If you’ve ever watched The Biggest Loser, seen a weight-loss commercial or an interview of someone who’s lost a significant amount of weight, you’ve probably heard them say, I’m never going to be heavy again! Personally, I’m too afraid to utter those words. Rather than test fate, I know that I still have to take things one day at a time. 2012 has taught me many things – mainly, that nothing in life stays the same. Never before have I been more aware of that than the past few months.
I spent the majority of this weekend working at Patty’s house, removing the last of her belongings and saying goodbye to the one remaining thing that linked me together with her – her home. I’d been dreading Saturday and Sunday, becoming increasingly agitated as last week drew to a close, but attributed my emotions to a host of other, unimportant things. With my anxiety building, I found myself wanting to reach for copious amounts of comfort food before the weekend even arrived.
This time I tried to think ahead and made a plan to busy myself with painting instead of eating. By the time Thursday arrived I was furiously working in my studio, finishing three watercolors before the day was over (quite a feat for me.) All three paintings had themes that were specifically chosen to give a calming, zen-like feel. Here are two of the three that I finished:
Thursday came and went and I climbed into bed exhausted. I wish I could report that I didn’t give in to numbing my grief with food, but I’d be lying.
On Friday, I woke up determined to not only begin, but complete a very tedious art project. Working solely with cut paper and glue, I pushed myself for over 12 hours until I finished this:
I regularly post photos of work in progress on my Facebook art page (which you are invited to ‘Like’ if you’re a Facebooker) and I love receiving comments and ideas from people. On this particular project I had several comments from some very wise people who saw things that I didn’t. Well, not until it was pointed out to me: one – she’s a young Patty (who used to wear a red hat every time she went out) and two – she is me. Two people combined to make a self portrait.
Well now, that ought to make a good topic for a therapy session, no?
Again, when I was finished I’d hoped that the anxiety I was feeling would be gone and that I could wake up on Saturday and put myself into full work-mode. The weekend came and went, leaving me feeling completely drained, both emotionally and physically. I didn’t binge (I didn’t have time), but I did make extremely poor choices and ate without regard to any consequence.
Today, I’m feeling disappointed in myself; I really wish I’d been able to channel my emotions strictly into my work – to completely lose myself in distraction. After seven+ years in maintenance, you would think that I’d have worked out this part by now.
If anything, this experience has shown me that I will most likely always be a work in progress. Now that the crisis has passed all I can do is pick myself up and try again next time. Until then I’ll just keep reminding myself that at least I haven’t thrown in the towel. I’m still fighting to figure things out and hopefully, one day, I’ll be able to say that food and I have a very healthy relationship with one another.
Have a good week, everyone.