Category Archives: Anxiety Disorder

Introvert Alert

  August 7, 2012 - 8:31 AM | , ,
13 Comments

My husband and I were invited to a party this past weekend.  My friend Mel was co-hosting, and this party is a pretty big deal among those who’ve gone in the past.  What used to be a small gathering of co-workers has turned into a group of 45-50 people.  It’s turned into quite a yearly event.  We were invited last year and I can’t remember why we didn’t go but this year I decided that unless I was downright bedridden, we were going.  My decision, per usual Ellen-Style fashion, left me fidgeting days before the party.  I knew that getting out of the house would be good for me and that I’d consider it a huge achievement when it was over (like climbing Mount Everest) but that initial feeling I get beforehand, that cocktail of nerves and butterflies – that’s what I have a hard time working through. 

Introverts get a bad rap by most standards.  We tend to get labeled by those who don’t know us as being rude, pretentious weirdos who don’t like people.  I suppose all is fair in love and war however, because extroverts get just as bad a rap by being labeled as overly energetic, attention-seeking socialites who hate to be alone. 

 

I will admit, I used to consider myself completely and utterly flawed as an introvert.  I wanted nothing more than to be an extrovert for many reasons, but specifically because I was fascinated with their ability to gain energy from large groups of people.  As an introvert, being in large groups has always been very draining for me.   Over the past few years, I’ve started reevaluating my personality, my nature vs. nurture behavior. I am learning to embrace the fact that I am who I am, and if that’s an honest to goodness introvert then so be it. 

This is my house.  Welcome to where I live.

1.  I’m not a recluse.  I love people.  In fact, the few friends that I do have, I value intensely. 

2.  I don’t dislike going out in public.  I just view social engagements differently; I don’t like being out in public for as long as extroverts do. It doesn’t take me very long to see what’s happening around me, so I can assess situations fairly quickly.  I ‘get’ what’s going on and once I’ve experienced enough of my surroundings, I’m ready to go home.  It’s not that I’m bored or that I think the outing is lame.  It’s just that I get a bit drained of mental energy; I need to go home, soak in the experience and recharge.

3.  I am not boring.  I prefer the term ‘exotic’ or ‘unique’!  lol  I have plenty of things that I love to do.  It’s just that I tend to enjoy doing things that challenge me mentally and emotionally more than socially.  How many unique exotics do you know that are boring? 

4.  By definition, I am not shy.  I can certainly talk to strangers;  I just need to have something to talk about.  I prefer to engage in a conversation, not small-talk.  Unfortunately, small-talk is what generally drives conversations where groups of people congregate. 

 

A dear friend of mine recently provided with me with a list of tips on how to engage in small-talk when it doesn’t come naturally.  You can find the full article here.  Basically, it involves asking questions that will encourage a conversation.  I received this list after my party this weekend but upon reading it I was glad to see that I’d used some of the conversation-starters on my own:

‘So, how do you know our host/hostess?’

‘Have you been to this party before?’ 

‘What line of work are you in?’  (an oldie, but it works!)

What I liked about the article most was being reminded of this line:    Your words may be forgotten, but how you make people feel will be remembered. 

That is completely and utterly true. 

So, you ask – how did the party go this weekend?  I was glad that I went, and it helped solidify some newly found friendships which is always a good thing.  Plus, when we get invited to future events it won’t be so stressful beforehand because I will have already seen most of these people before.  In true introvert fashion though, I was ready to go home within 4 hours of arriving, apparently just as the party was getting started!  The thing that I learned about my friend Mel that I really value: she takes no offense when I’m ready to leave, nor does she make me feel guilty for not staying longer.  She’s just happy that I’m there. In other words, she lets me be me.

Are you an introvert or an extrovert?  Do you find that people label you inaccurately?  What’s your best tip for breaking the ice at a party?

Reinventing the Holidays

  November 18, 2011 - 8:16 AM | ,
36 Comments

Every year I sit back in my little home office and watch as Joe, my neighbor decorates his house with Christmas lights from top to bottom.  He takes great care while balancing on a ladder as he hangs icicle lights around his gutters, plugs in his glowing reindeer and lines the driveway with plastic candy canes.  He and his wife, along with many people I know, consider this their favorite time of year.   

I however, always being the oddball, am having a difficult time this holiday season.  Dare I go as far as to say that I’m dreading it, as I have done every year for as long as I can remember.  I’ve gone back and forth as to whether I should even share these thoughts, considering my blog is open to those who know me.  Just thinking these things makes me feel like I’m keeping some horrible, unforgiveable secret.  But then I thought well, maybe it’ll be therapeutic to just get these thoughts out.  Maybe I’ll feel better, or at the very least, feel understood.    

When I began therapy after my mother’s accident last year, my therapist asked me about the upcoming holidays, how I celebrated, and whether I was looking forward to them.  I sat there, dumbfounded. I think I summed it all up when I said that if past years are any indication, I’ll have the tree and every trace of holiday decoration down, packed away and stored in the attic by Christmas morning.

I have no particularly fond family memories of Thanksgiving growing up, but I do have short bursts of pleasant memories at Christmastime when I was quite young, like watching Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and Frosty the Snowman on our television, and waking up to the belief that Santa had come to see me the night before.  But most of my memories of Thanksgiving and Christmas, especially over the past 20 years or so have been filled with anxiety and stress.  Our home used to be very turbulent growing up, in part, due to a mentally handicapped family member who had, and unfortunately still has a tendency to be violent.  For me, holiday memories are sprinkled with a crying mother, a frustrated father, and me left feeling helpless and frightened in an out of control household.

Every year around the beginning of November I try to head into the holidays with an open mind; I keep a mental list of Things I’m Grateful For to help me focus on the positive things I have in my life. I bake pumpkin bread for family and friends; I enjoy the act of giving. But by mid November, I wish I could just leave town and not return until after December 25th;  it would be nice if I could skip over that time of year altogether.

Our family situation has always been very precarious.  I think that my brother enjoys being with his siblings, but he has many disorders that, even with medication, rarely allow him to remain calm and it’s very difficult to carry on a conversation with him.  I’ve been unfortunate enough to have crossed his path at the wrong time and as a result ended up on the floor with my ears ringing from a blow across the head.  Still, he is my brother and I love him, and I realize that he cannot control these outbursts any more than a deaf man controls what he cannot hear. 

The strange thing is, I’ve worked with the handicapped for over 20 years and have a good deal of experience with violent and non-violent people alike.  But when it comes to my brother, all of those years of experience fly right out the window.  I am so emotionally involved that I cannot separate feeling from logic.  I have no idea how to relate to my situation with him. 

How do you react to upcoming events that you are not looking forward to?  For me, the anxiety I feel as the event gets closer makes me want to pull out that old comfortable habit of emotional eating.  It is the one thing that has always soothed my nerves.  Of course this is exactly what I don’t need, and I realize this.  Still, that pull is always there, and this is one of the few times per year that I truly feel like I’m one step away from losing control of what’s happening around me. 

Seeing that therapist last year helped me realize why I have anxiety issues and why I feel more at ease when I have a plan in place (chances are if you have an issue or problem that you can’t figure out, look to your childhood and you’ll generally find all the answers you need).  As far as answers to my adult problems, my therapist suggested that my husband and I create our own holiday traditions, even if that means planning a vacation from the holidays.  If I thought I could do that without suffering any guilt from it I would, but two of my siblings will not be attending either holiday this year, even though they both live nearby; therefore I have a hard time considering the idea of leaving my mother with one less child during Thanksgiving or Christmas.  I love my family – all of my family, but sometimes I just wish that things could be different but the outcome is always the same.  I arrive and within an hour I am stressed, anxious and just downright sad.

I think I need to accept the fact that things aren’t always going to go smoothly, no matter how much I want them to. I need to stop mourning that loss and accept the things I can’t change.  Maybe then I can let go of what I can’t have and begin concentrating on the things I can change.

My husband and I have begun discussing the thought of creating our own holiday traditions, although we really don’t know what that means, yet; just starting from scratch and throwing out the traditional.  It’s pretty clear that traditional just doesn’t work in our lives, anyway.  All I know is that if there is a way for me to figure out how to get through this holiday season having somewhat relative peace without gaining 10 pounds, then I’m willing to tackle this project head-on. 

How do you get through the holidays? Any tricks or tips that you might be willing to share that might help those of us with the holiday blues?

Fat Girl Wearing A Few Extra

  July 29, 2011 - 8:37 AM | , , , ,
33 Comments

It’s quite possible that my blog is having an identity crisis.  Early into the week it decided that it was going to be called Garden Girl Wearing Overalls due to my recent fairy garden class.  Now, it appears that at least for the time being, my blog should be renamed Fat Girl Wearing A Few Extra – pounds, that is. 

I have given this a lot of thought over the past couple of days, and your comments to my weight-gain confession helped put some things into perspective for me.  In her comment to me, Karen probably had no idea that she was reminding me of something I wrote in a recent post: If I’m emotionally fit, my physical health will follow.  I responded to her comment by stating that maybe I should start practicing what I preach. 

Yes, these extra pounds have decided they want to take up permanent residence within this body of mine. Yes, right now my anxiety is still the proverbial thorn in my side, but YES! I am emotionally healthier than I was 5 weeks ago. 

My husband and I sat down to discuss this on Wednesday night.  Here’s a brief glimpse of our conversation:

Me:  I’ve gained 7 pounds since beginning those anxiety meds.

Him: Well, I can’t tell (smart man) but that’s pretty common with depression/anxiety meds, anyway.

Me: I don’t know what to do.  Wean off of it? Try yet another medication? What?!

Him:  Ellen, do you feel better?

Me: I think so, but maybe I’m too close to put it into proper perspective.  Do you think I’m better?

Him:  Before you started these meds, I thought you looked miserable.  You couldn’t concentrate or sit still; Small, day-to-day things seemed difficult for you.  I don’t see that person these days.  You’re more relaxed, less stressed-out over every day things, and you seem more at ease. You don’t want to go back to that, do you? Besides, I personally think that the weight will even out and you’ll stop gaining once your body is fully adjusted to the meds.

I sat there taking in everything he said.   For the last couple of days I’ve reflected on this and have tried to put things into greater perspective. 

No.  I don’t want to go back to being that flakey, nervous, high-strung person, which is why you are not going to see me writing about how disappointed I am with myself.  I have no plans to starve off these pounds with lettuce and rice cakes.  Neither will you be reading about a dedicated plan of recovery, including the latest detox program.  No, I’m not doing any of that.  Instead, I’m going to do something that I’ve never done before:  I’m going to give these few pounds a home for a bit, while I continue taking care of my mental health.

I’ve hovered around 130 pounds for years now.  The thought of allowing a few extra to cling to my body is something completely foreign to me.  Normally, when I gain 3 or 4 (be it hormones or holidays) I put my butt into gear and get the pounds off with focused, hard work.  My physical health will still be a priority as I try my hardest to gain no more weight, but I have to keep reminding myself that these pounds don’t require a definition from me.  They don’t have to mean that I’m having a relapse; nor do they mean I’m lazy, unproductive, even unattractive.  I’m seven pounds up, and guess what?   The earth didn’t shift; it didn’t rain locusts, the sun still rises every morning….and I need a lesson in having more faith in myself.

I’m not going to lie, here.  I wouldn’t be me if I weren’t feeling a little wigged out.  I’m going against everything I’ve taught myself all these years. Excess has always been the enemy, and here I am, sending it a personal invitation to take up residence within my most personal space.   If these pounds continue to creep forward I will deal with it.  But, right now I think I just need to get over myself.   Feeling anxious over these added pounds will only add fuel to the fire.    

So here’s my plan: I am going to continue on with my current anxiety medication for another month.  I’m going to sign up for yoga classes on Monday.  I’m going to continue to put the same kind of energy into my mental well being as I have been putting into my physical well-being.  In other words: I’m putting my money where my mouth is.  I can’t love myself for who I am if I gauge that love depending on what I’m currently weighing in at.  The sooner I realize that all I can do in this world is try to be accepting of who I am right now, then I have to trust that everything else will turn out OK.   If I’m emotionally fit, my physical health will follow.

Here we go round the pill-popping bush….

  July 27, 2011 - 8:07 AM |
32 Comments

As you know, I’ve been playing Pharmacy for the last several weeks, waiting for an anxiety medication that will actually help, not hinder my existing problem.  The last medication I was on caused me to have insomnia and made my heart race like a rabbit.  After 5 days, I’d had enough.

Realizing that this problem was NOT going away on it’s own, I went to see my doctor and was given something else to try.  Less hopeful, yet not willing to give up, I agreed. 

As he wrote the script he said, “This is a pretty clean drug, and by that I mean there are very few side effects.  However, it will take up to a full month to see if any progress is being made.  What it does is prevent further anxiety, instead of just masking the anxiety you already have.”  Well then, bring it on.

Even though I was agreeing to my sixth round of trying different medications, I decided to be realistic about the whole thing: expect the worst, hope for the best. 

It has been a little over a month now, and I am sleeping better.  No racing heart, no dizziness, feeling woozy, or anything else that tends to go with drugs like these.  By the tiniest amount, I am turning a corner, here.  Even though my anxiety is still a bit persistent on wanting to be my forever BFF, I am having periods of a more focused, calm Me.   It’s been a long time since I’ve felt that way.  But unfortunately, there is always a worm hiding within a bushel of seemingly perfect apples.  

 

Since beginning this medication I’ve gained 7 pounds.  Un-Lucky Number Seven.  In less than five weeks.

I’ve thought about this quite a bit while watching the scale numbers escalate.  There is one very real reason why I might be gaining.   When I was in the throes of anxiety I had a lot of nervous energy.  I had a difficult time keeping still, and constant movement can burn quite a bit of calories.  Now that I am more calm, now that I can actually sit still for longer periods of time, I’m not burning off all of that energy. 

My eating habits have changed as well, but I don’t know if I can blame this on the medication or not.  It might just be the result of an emotional reaction to the changes that are taking place within me.  Who knows.  These meds are working, but they’re not working, and my options are getting slim. What do you do with a possibility of being faced with the decision of having to choose between your mental health or your physical health?

I started comparing my dilemma to other drugs that people take for medical problems.  Steroids such as prednisone are prescription drugs used for a number of things, from severe allergies to immune deficiencies.  A tech at my vet’s office is sometimes prescribed steroids for an old knee injury.  She has boundless energy and can function on very little sleep.  In other words, she’s in a permanent manic state.  She loves being on them.  “I get so many things done!” she says.   Many people have the opposite effect.  A former in-law of mine had no choice but to be prescribed an equivalent medication because she suffered a serious physical condition that responded to no other treatment.  Within a year, she’d gained over 75 pounds.  She felt better, but physically, her body never recovered. 

I’m so grateful for the periods of serenity I’m feeling that believe it or not, I am NOT in panic mode – yet. However, the fact that I’m writing about this shows it is weighing on my mind. I feel like I need to prepare myself for the possibility of having to make a choice, should things continue on this path. Do I bail, or stick it out? I’m not crazy about the very real possibility of this gaining trend continuing, and if there’s one fear that long-term maintainers have, it’s the fear of out-of-control weight gain.

So, let’s recap: Anxiety brings medication. Medication brings change in appetite. Change in appetite breeds worry and anxiety.

…round and round we go. 

Catching-Up

  July 20, 2011 - 9:06 AM | , , , ,
41 Comments

Maybe you’ve noticed that my last few posts have been sprinkled with a bit of self-awareness.  I’m not sure where this clarity came from; well, maybe I do. 

Just maybe, gaining control of this anxiety-thing has quieted my mind enough to allow me the pleasure of experiencing peace and quiet for the first time in over a year.  I’m not at 100% by any stretch of the imagination, but hopefully these last few posts are allowing you to get a sense of the changes that are taking place within me. 

 

If you happened to be up reading blogs at 4:30 on Monday morning, you may have noticed that my blog theme had been stripped bare – as in, barely working.  It took me hours to rebuild it and is still a bit wonky, but it’s slowly getting back to where it should be.  The scary thing is, I have no idea what happened so I have no way of knowing how to prevent it from happening again.  Sigh.  There is  only thing missing: all of my lovely and meaningful blog awards.  They vanished during the meltdown.  I feel like the winner of Miss Blogosphere  whose been stripped of her crown!  Hopefully, I’ll be able to retrieve the awards, as well as the details of who gave them to me and when, but for now I just have to remind myself that Vanessa Williams made quite the comeback, and so shall I!  LOL

 

I’m sure you’ve guessed by now that I haven’t yet gone on my first bike ride.  My husband has been working around the clock on mandatory overtime since Kayaking-Saturday almost two weeks ago.   The heat index here in the Midwest has been truly unbearable anyway.  A trip across the parking lot from my car to the grocery store has been intolerable, so learning how to ride a bike with a heat index of 110 degrees isn’t currently on my list of high demands.  I haven’t even walked the dogs; it’s just too hot.  Of course, they don’t understand that.  They just think I’m being lazy. 

 

So, what does a girl do when she’s too unmotivated to move?  Netflix to the rescue!  I had a movie arrive that I didn’t remember putting on my queue called ‘It’s Kind of a Funny Story’.  Zach Galifianakis (The Hangover movies) was excellent.  I really enjoyed this movie.  It was funny, endearing, and I related to the storyline (for those of you who have seen it – no, not because it was set in a mental ward.)  LOL   I recommend it highly, especially if you like Focus Feature films.

 

  Watch the Trailer

Speaking of my kayaking-Saturday, within that post I’d mentioned I had committed to three new experiences.  I shared two of them with you: the first was obviously kayaking; second was learning to ride a bike.  But I never told you what the third one was. 

After we returned from paddling around at the park, we stopped at a garden center that I’d always wanted to visit.  It’s the kind of store that beckons you to come inside, with it’s row of colorful outdoor chairs sitting at attention just outside.

 

This store had the most unique outdoor accessories I’d ever seen, and the owners were super nice to talk to (again, reinforcing my talking to strangers behavior).  While walking around, I noticed near the front window were rows upon rows of fairy gardens.  I’d never seen a fairy garden before. Think small. There were different outdoor containers filled with potting soil and live plants including moss, hen and chicks, bonsai trees.  The fun part was looking at all of the tiny accessories decorating these miniature gardens: a watering can slightly bigger than a thimble, a gazebo no higher than 5 inches, and fairy houses that fit in the palm of your hand. Above them was a sign that read, ‘Ask About our Fairy Garden Classes!’ I did just that.  I signed up for one, too!  Again, this was totally something that I would never before have considered doing on my own.  Technically, I could use this experience as one of my comfort zone challenges, but truthfully, I don’t consider it a challenge at all.  I’m really looking forward to it!  Progress, baby!  Progress! 

Class is on Friday morning.  Pictures to come.  In the meantime, if you go here you can see a very elaborate fairy garden design.  Do NOT expect mine to look anything like this.

Have a great Wednesday, everyone – and as always, thank you for all of your comments the last few days.  I haven’t been able to reply to each of you because of my blog fiasco but wanted you to know how much your comments mean to me. 

 

XOXO,

 

Ellen

The Need for Numb

  July 1, 2011 - 8:01 AM | ,
41 Comments

As I was waiting – ever so patiently mind you, for my blog’s server to summon their little elves on the issues surrounding why my post for the day wasn’t loading, I decided to peruse some of the other blogs I’m trying to get back into the habit of visiting on a regular basis.  I happened to begin over at MunchBerry’s place and read her post as she described her relationship with food.  She very matter-of-factly wrote her thoughts on what a binge consisted of for her; she dug around, got her hands dirty and came face to face with her relationship with food by intimately describing it.  

Somewhere I started realizing something.  I always seem to gloss over my discussions on this topic with words like ‘emotional eating’ or ‘binge eater’ I thought.  But have I ever written about what it feels like?  Could I put into words why I do it?

And so, began a train of thought that has led me to writing my own post on this subject – one that I do not enjoy discussing but feel the need to, if for no other reason, than to share a completely different perspective on a very familiar topic. 

 

When I was 16, I had the unfortunate introduction and subsequent lifelong relationship with endometriosis.  The pain would seem to worsen at times, and I’d find myself huddled on the bathroom floor against the cool porcelain of the toilet, while I moaned in agony, many times, for hours.  There came a point during my junior year in high school where the pain was so debilitating, I’d begin scratching my legs with my fingernails – leaving bright red and sometimes bloody lines behind in the process.  I would do this during bouts of pain many times in my teens, but for some reason I recall that particular night like it was yesterday.  It was as if I were looking at myself through someone else’s eyes.  The body is constantly trying to find ways to cope when under pressure.  It’s capable of doing many things when it’s pushed beyond it’s limit. 

I scratched myself because I was desperate for some relief from the pain.  I’d found a detour that would allow my mind to focus on something else – to feel something else, even for a while.  

My reasons for binging bring on a similar effect.  Unlike MunchBerry, I do eat until I am uncomfortable; half-sick; miserable even – depending on what kind of pain it is that I need a release from.  Some people do not understand this concept even when I try to explain it to them. ‘Why would anyone deliberately want to make themselves feel miserable?’ they ask.  This is my answer:

Even though I’m left feeling physically miserable, my mind is relishing a release from worry, anxiety, or obsessive thoughts.  In the moment, the only thing I can focus on is the physical sensation of being uncomfortably full.  The stress, the anxiety, the emotional pain is no longer a priority.  

Another alluring thing about this act of self-medicating is that it gives me a two-for-one bonus.  Not only do I get to experience redirection (that feeling of unpleasantness) but I also get the high and pleasure from eating my comfort-foods of choice.  In that moment of desperation, it’s a win-win situation. 

Until the food digests. 

And the scale exposes my secret. 

I suppose I’m writing this now, because for the past few months as you have read, my anxiety has worsened. The little relief I’ve had has left me exhausted and frustrated. I don’t know what ‘normal’ is anymore, but I know that I miss it. And when I have a day that has been too overwhelming, too tiring, or just too hard to cope with, I find myself fantasizing about going into that new bakery down the street and buying one of everything in the case, taking my stash home, and just like that 16 year old girl on the bathroom floor, redirect that pain for a while.

I consider myself a pretty strong individual.  I’ve had a life of joy, but a lot of suffering has taken up residence in this body as well.  Somewhere amidst the strong, supportive you-can-always-count-on-me person lies a woman who’s shoulders eventually bear too much weight; little things add up, and it’s then that I feel the urge hit like a bolt of lightning.  This ‘thing’, that while under normal circumstances would feel like something I have no desire to do, slowly becomes a need that grows. 

Being in maintenance you’d suspect that I’ve found a way to keep that animal at bay. I wish I could say that I never have episodes like that anymore but I’d be lying. To be completely truthful here, if I had to guess, I’d say that on average I carry through with a binge like the one above 2 or 3 times per year.  If these new meds do not work, you will find me going back to therapy for the second time in my life.  Not for food-related issues, but for anxiety.  This is the root of my problem.  I’m confident that once I get control of that, I’ll no longer feel the need to self-medicate. 

 

At any rate, I’m grateful for reading MunchBerry’s post on that particular day.  That’s the great thing about you bloggers out there.  Here you are typing away, describing your own experiences – working things through in your own mind and then out of nowhere -  a quote, a sentence, or a paragraph sparks a moment of clarity in a reader’s life.  I’ve seen it happen over and over again.  You didn’t know that you pay it forward, I bet. Did you?

 

Have a good weekend everyone, and for all of my US readers, Happy Fourth of July Weekend.  Do something summery and fun.  I promise to write some lighter fare next week. 

This Post is brought to you by the Letter S

  June 22, 2011 - 9:43 AM | , , ,
46 Comments

Support. Comments and emails are still coming in from Friday’s post; I feel incredibly lucky to have so many intelligent, knowledgeable readers willing to come together and share their thoughts and experiences on the little-discussed topic of maintenance. That post provided one of the most successful discussions we’ve ever had here, and I plan to re-read it whenever I feel like I’m struggling; clearly, I am not. And neither are you. Topics like these bring the best of us together, and together we are a Powerhouse of losers and maintainers who are ready and willing to provide great insight, motivation and advice to others. Thank you for bringing your wisdom to the maintenance table. :)

 

Strong-as-wood.  I have not posted much about the plank challenge that’s being hosted by Fitblog, but I’ve gotta say – I’m really enjoying it.  I can’t believe I never realized how imperative it is to work on strengthening one’s core (back, abs, and pelvis).  No wonder my lower back used to hurt all of the time. 

 

As of this morning, I am clocking in at holding plank for 2 minutes, 15 seconds; a huge improvement from when I first started.    Want to know what I love about this challenge the most?  I can do it anywhere I want.  I don’t need any special equipment; I don’t have to change into workout gear, and I don’t have to worry about working up a terrible sweat.  Just stop, drop, and hold.  Mayo Clinic’s website has a slideshow of some other core strengthening exercises that I will begin incorporating once this challenge is over.  You can view those here.

Salon.  On Friday, after my comfort zone incident, I went to work and decided out of the blue that I needed to get my hair cut; that very day.  When it comes to my hair and changing styles, I don’t know, I just have to get it done when the thought strikes or else I chicken out.  Luckily, my stylist is a friend of mine and she fit me in at the end of her workday.  I wanted at least 5 inches taken off.  Something different.  Here’s a before and after:

 

I don’t know which is worse when taking a photo of yourself – holding out your arm as far out as possible while attempting to point the camera in the general direction of your body while hoping you don’t cut off half your head, or forget all that and go straight to the bathroom mirror, where nothing is cleverly hidden from view (5 points if you can spot the electric toothbrush).  Anyway, I like it.  Just wash and go.  My curls are digging it, too.  Would you believe that I didn’t even know I had curly hair until just a few years ago?  It’s coarse and thick, and I always wore it long, which tends to pull out the curl.  Now, the shorter I go, the curlier it gets (sometimes a good thing, sometimes bad – depending on the humidity). 

Stress.  I had my doctor’s appointment with my internist, asking for assistance with my anxiety since the previous medication didn’t work.  He is trying me on yet another medication that is new to me.  The difference between this drug and the others is that this one supposedly aids in preventing further anxiety, instead of just masking it.   According to the information sheet, it states: this drug may help you think more clearly, relax, worry less, and may make you feel less jittery.  It also may take up to 30 days to notice anything, but I’m hopeful; we’ll see.  Please bear with me as I have noticed that at times, I’m having difficulty in responding coherently to some of your posts.   All temporary, my friends.  Soon I hope to be back to my old self again.

Sluggish.  Emmie also went to the doctor this week.  Over the past several weeks she’s been shedding unusually large chunks of fur.  So much so, that she has very thin patches left.  All of that beautiful, soft fur – gone. 

 

It turns out though, it’s nothing terribly serious.  After some blood work, she was found to have a sluggish thyroid, which causes the same side-effects for dogs as people: hair loss, lethargy, weight gain.  As of this morning, she’s on medication and hopefully will regain some of that lovely coat of hers and feel better soon.

 

Have a good Wednesday, everyone. 

Tomorrow is Moving Mountains Update

  June 6, 2011 - 9:52 AM | ,
16 Comments

A quick reminder to those of you who participated in last month’s Moving Mountain’s Challenge, tomorrow is the 7th, which means I’ll be having my monthly update post, so bring on your progress reports!

I am in one of those moods where I have a lot to say, but having difficulties trying to put my thoughts together; don’t you just hate that? I have 3 posts in draft but none of them makes much sense even to me at the moment, so there they’ll sit until I have more time to tweak them into more coherent sentences.  In the meantime, please accept this Dumping Ground post where you’ll quickly notice that I’m jumping from topic to topic in record speed.

Do any of you remember that episode of Seinfeld when George’s father used a mantra to help him calm down?  Every time he felt like he was going to blow his top he’d scream out from the top of his lungs Serenity Now!  I am feeling a bit like Frank, lately.  I am off the anxiety meds that I was taking and am a bit discouraged to try anything else at the moment, so I’m attempting to use some calming techniques until I feel prepared enough to give miracle drug number 6 a whirl. 

My husband’s mother’s house finally sold after almost 10 months on the market. The new owners want occupancy on July 1st, which doesn’t give us much time to clear out the house. Serenity Now!  While his job will be to team up with his sister and move things out, my job will be trying to make room for the things that will inevitably end up making their way over here until he has time to go through them. I’ve already taken 2 (yes, two) truckloads of items to Goodwill.   Most of the items were furniture I’d retrieved from dumpsters over the years that have been waiting to be made beautiful.  It was tough letting those things go, but I made a vow: anything that hadn’t been touched in 2 years was heading out the door. 

I am happy to report that my weekend was a good one; I spent time with my Mom at the rehabilitation center; she is finally beginning to feel better after a rough couple of weeks.   Her first post-surgery doctor’s appointment is on the 13th where they will take an x-ray to see if there have been any changes.  We could potentially see some bone growth in the x-ray but the doctor said that we could wait for up to 3 full months before seeing any progress.  Still, we’re hopeful. 

Have a good Monday, everyone. Please forgive me if you don’t see me commenting as much on your blogs these next couple of weeks; rest assured that I am reading though, and if there’s anything you think I would find particularly interesting please let me know.  I don’t like the idea of being out of touch with you all but must remember this is temporary.  Serenity Now!

Life with anxiety

  May 27, 2011 - 7:14 AM |
30 Comments

Nervous as a cat in a room full of rocking chairs.  On pins and needles.  Climbing the wall. Butterflies in the stomach.

If you’ve ever felt anxious before, you’ve probably heard at least one of these sayings.  Most everyone has some form of anxiety over certain situations, such as the feeling you get before a job interview, before going on a blind date or while on a rollercoaster.  One definition of anxiety describes it as a state of uneasiness and apprehension as it relates to future events.  Sometimes we become jittery, have trouble concentrating or feel like we have knots or butterflies in the stomach.

Normal amounts of anxiety can be an asset when we come face to face with danger; it helps us to perform our best under pressure.  For some people, like me, anxiety has a negative effect.  There are times when I continue to feel anxious even when I logically know that the situation is not appropriate for the high amount of concern I have.   It can lead to an overwhelming, exhausting and sometimes paralyzing existence. 

I don’t know many people who actually enjoy talking about their ‘issues’.  Growing up in my family, a concrete physical problem that you could actually lay your eyes on, like a broken leg, was open for discussion.  However, problems that you couldn’t see such as bi-polar disorder, eating disorders, depression, or anxiety disorders were not talked about.  If you were depressed, you just needed to peel yourself out of that bed and go take a walk. Why, that’d fix you right up.  I don’t consider these topics as taboo.  Everyone has issues – everyone.  Some are just better at hiding their issues than others.  Today, you’re going to meet a side of me that I’ve never written about:  living and dealing with anxiety.

 

Anxiety disorder was my worst nightmare when I was heavy.  If there was a planned event in my future and it happened to be something that I had reservations about, my first reaction was to ease the stress of the upcoming event. 

Food is and has always been my personal form of medication.

To relieve my stress or anxiety over what the event was, I’d eat.  And eat.  Controlling this type of anxiety is especially difficult because if that energy isn’t expended with what I know will bring me immediate comfort (food) then I become even more anxious and obsess over the event; then the cycle worsens.

Common things that trigger this kind of anxiety: stepping outside my comfort zone.  This is one of the reasons why it’s hard for me to challenge myself with new things; my anxiety gets in the way.  Thankfully, I have enough insight to know that I must continue asserting myself and confronting my fears so I don’t become a stunted human being.  Still, it’ll always be a task that I wrestle with.

When I am at my worst, when my anxiety is at it’s most intense, it becomes a different animal entirely:  I stop eating.  My body treats food as an enemy and I physically cannot tolerate it.  This happened last year when my husband’s mother became terminally ill and I lost my job within months of each other.  My body all but shut itself down and I couldn’t eat without becoming ill.  Episodes like this can last for several days and as a result, I’m apt to see major swings on the scale. 

High volumes of stress or suffering from anxiety disorder not only affects my weight but other areas as well: my sleep pattern becomes erratic, I notice irregular heartbeats and have trouble concentrating.  I also find it difficult to sit still. 

I’ve always envied people who are able to thrive during stressful situations.  I sit and watch, in awe of their cool composure and wonder why I can’t be more like them.  Oh, I can fake it when I have to, but my body’s actions give me away every single time. 

So, what’s a girl to do?  Well, this girl has just about had her fill of trying to fix it by herself.  This girl has finally thrown her hands in the air and is waving the little white flag.

Today, I am not anxious.  I am not under stress.  I am hopeful.  I have started a new medication which I am hoping will reduce my anxiety and keep me from feeling like less of a…well, a – flake.

So if you will, allow me to raise my prescription bottle for a toast: 

Here’s to new meds, breathing exercises, a long island iced tea every once in a while and as many vacations as the budget can handle. 

And, here’s to leading a life where anxiety takes the backseat, and leaves the driving up to me for a change.

When it Rains, it Pours

  March 18, 2011 - 10:20 AM |
44 Comments

Warning:  I am about to come clean; fess up; take full responsibility:  I have absolutely no post prepared for today.  In fact, I have no posts written ahead, either.  Zero.  I am literally unprepared.  I considered pleading ignorance and waiting until Monday where I’d write, ‘Gee, I just realized that I didn’t post on Friday; hmm.  Strange; sorry about that.’ But, that would be a lie, so here I am about to create a post that will most likely resemble a train-wreck.

As I take a deep breath inward and attempt to calm myself I will share with you what has led me to this dreaded writer’s block.  I will warn you however, you’ll probably find no value in this post whatsoever, although it may provide some entertainment if you are interested in reading the thoughts of a frazzled blogger. Still here?  OK then, here we go:

1. Thank you, thank you for all of your beautiful words of encouragement regarding Gracie yesterday.  Again and without a doubt, I have the best readers on the Net and I am so grateful to you all.

Her foster mom called me last night and I admit that I haven’t been able to stop thinking about her since.  She truly does sound like the perfect dog for us; dare I go one step further and say that I desperately want her.  Truly and wholeheartedly and my husband feels the same.   The fact that we’ve adopted from this rescue organization before is in our favor which is an added bonus since there are TWO other families that are interested in her as well, which is rare for a senior dog.  Decision made easy, right?  Wrong.

1)  This family lives way, way south of here.  In fact, it is a 4 1/2 hour drive away.  Because of my back, we’d have to divide the trip into 2 days because I can’t sit in a car for 9 hours.  My husband (the wonderful man that he is) says not to worry about this and that we’ll just make it an adventure.  Decision made easy, right?  Wrong.

2)  First thing Monday morning we are having our kitchen remodeled.  My husband is doing the tear out to save money and we have to be here this weekend to get it prepared for the workers.  I told the foster mom about this and she said that next weekend would work out better because Gracie is having her blind eye operated on today and needs several days to recover anyway.  Decision made easy, right?  Wrong.

3.)  Three months ago my husband and I made plans with my brother and his wife to go to Florida for a few days.  We leave the second week in April.  I cannot bring Gracie to her new home and then turn around and kennel her.  It would be too stressful for her and knowing me, I’d worry the whole time we were gone.

4.)  I spoke to my mother this morning and she said that it looks as though my grandmother is not going to live much longer.  Grandma is 94 and has lived a full life, so this is not shocking news, however she lives 8 hours away and so we may be on the cusp of preparing to leave for a funeral at some point. 

Things will happen the way they were meant to, whether I worry or not.  I do realize this even though it is doing nothing to comfort me; I still feel like one giant stress-ball.  Ugh!  Enough of this; in fact, if you’re still reading you deserve a big round of applause! (clap-clap-clap)

Have a good weekend, everyone.  Thanks for letting me vent.