Dare I think – even breathe in the quietest of voices that my back may be improving just the slightest bit? I ask this as a question because the only thing I noticed that was different about this past week is that I was able to sit long enough to finish a painting:
It’s been over two months since I’ve been able to sit at length for anything, including meals, without being on medication every four hours.
My last post was very raw, emotional and honest. I wasn’t sure what kind of feedback I’d get. When comments started coming in from you who mean the most to me here – my online family, I was touched by your words of encouragement and understanding. Your comments allowed me to see that I sometimes tend to put way too much pressure on myself. Thank you for pressing the reset button on my thought process. I think I’m slowly climbing out of my hole.
I spoke with a good friend of mine on the phone this weekend who gave me a lot of food for thought. She questioned whether or not I’d ever considered that my pain was a gift and that perhaps it was here for a reason. Pain as a gift? Hmm….
I’d mentioned in a previous post that my style of painting began to change markedly for the better when working on my recently finished crane. I thought about it and indeed found it odd that my style of painting completely changed during my time with him which was incidentally the same week I was suffering from crippling back pain. Comparing my earlier paintings to the ones I’ve finished since this bout of pain began looks as though two different artists were at work. Maybe my lesson in all of this was to learn how to be the painter I’ve always wanted to be.
Accepting pain as a gift is by no means easy. Especially when it is chronic; never-ending. But I have made the decision to look at it this way even if I don’t feel it, for three reasons:
1. It changes my sour attitude about it
2. It’s way better than feeling sorry for myself, and
3. It would be comforting to walk away feeling as though I’ve gained something from this experience.
Now, if I could just be given the chance to utilize what I’ve learned without distraction I’d be a much less grumpy individual. Hopefully that’s something I can soon say with complete confidence.