Fat Girl Wearing Thin

Life beyond the loss.

   Dec 20

What I don’t want for Christmas

Hey, all!  it is time once again for our Third Annual ‘What I DON’T want for Christmas post.  I didn’t think I’d be able to top the handerpants from last year – you remember those, right?  underwear for your hands?  Well, I’ll just let you be the judge. 

Before I begin, I have to tell you that these yearly posts evidently DO serve some purpose (I’m as shocked as you are, trust me).  I actually had one reader tell me that he bought an item from one of my previous lists to give to one of his coworkers.   Want to know what he bought?  The squirrel underpants!  Yep.  I did that.   

Without further ado, let’s get to the goods for our stinking stockings – and as always, remember – these items are actually for sale!  Just click on the links and you’ll be transported to the land of misfit presents.  Are we ready? 


Number 5:  For that special man in your life, it’s Stacey – The Original Dashboard Pole Dancer!  A perfect gift if you don’t mind your significant other paying zero attention to the road on which he’s driving. On sale, ladies – for $8.99.



Number 4:   …..It’s beginning to smell a lot like Christmas – every where you go.  I don’t know about you, but I think I’d prefer the scent of gingerbread.  If you’re looking for something a bit more potent, try the comfort of butt for the small price of $19.99 with Santa’s Farting Butt Travel Pillow  Women obviously love them – I mean, look at how excited this lady is!  Shows how little I know.

Santa's Farting Butt Travel Pillow



Number 3:  And for the kids, it’s their very own nightmare…er,  I mean teddy bear lamp.  Except that this teddy bear’s head has been decapitated and a lamp shade is jammed in its place.  Maybe the goal of this gift is to break your little one’s habit of needing the nightlight on.  If this doesn’t break that habit, I don’t know what would.  This isn’t a cheap gift, either, at over $100 bucks. 



Number 2:  Racing Grannies.  These grannies have had a feud going since 1937 and have been trying to outrace each other ever since.  No batteries needed.  Just wind ‘em up and place your bets.



…and the Number 1 Christmas gift that I do not want this year:

 Bacon flavored frosting.  This little item is really a miracle in a tube. Why?  Because I can guarantee this to be one cake I’d have zero interest in eating.  I’m a creative gal; I could figure out SOME way to use any of the above items if I thought long enough.  But this?  Straight into the garbage.  Cost of being grossed-out:  $5.95.


Did anyone receive any crap-tastic gifts last year?  If so, share them in the comments section below Smile

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  1. Sabrina says:

    This was really funny! However, I know a few guys that would love a tube of Bacon frosting. 😉

  2. Kyra says:

    I’m going to have nightmares now!

  3. Roxie says:

    You are flat-out wrong on the bacon. FLAT.OUT.WRONG. :-)

  4. OMG! My husband got those squirrel underpants for my nephew last year! In fact, he bought all the kids a few little gifts like that, put them in boxes and made me wrap them without looking so they’d be a surprise to me, too. Included: Unicorn Meat, Bacon gum and pickle gum… I think there may have even been some bacon or pickle toothpaste in there, too…

  5. Difficult though it might be, I’m going to be strong and not order any of those. :)

    Thanks for the good chuckle!

  6. Sharon says:

    You are too funny!

  7. Hanlie says:

    Honestly, I don’t understand the American obsession with bacon!

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