Due to the heavy subject matter over the last couple of weeks, I thought some lighter fare was in order. I hope you enjoy the few Memory Lane posts that I picked out for you while I’m away for a few days. Original post date: 6/24/11
Yesterday I went to see my dermatologist whom between you and me, I have a secret crush on since he routinely saves me from dying of skin cancer. As a result from my days of sun worship I routinely have suspicious freckles/moles removed that contain pre-cancerous cells. This time however, I received the all-clear and needed no surgery. Whew!
While waiting for my appointment I browsed through several brochures describing various forms of cosmetic improvement. In addition to the well-known Botox, there were several others I’d never heard of: Fractional Resurfacing (a laser is used to treat fine lines, scars, stretch marks), Photo rejuvenation (treats brown sun spots and fine, red blood vessels), V-Beam Laser (a pulsed dye-laser that treats stretch marks, age spots, rosacea) and Cool Glide Laser (treats spider veins). The one that caught my eye however, was Thermage. The brochure reads:
A safe, deep heating procedure used to tighten lax skin anywhere on the body. Thermage stimulates collagen for smoother, tighter, and younger looking skin. Only 1 treatment is needed with final results in 6 to 9 months.
I stared at the before & after photos on the back of the brochure. After picking up my jaw from the floor, I discreetly folded it in half and slipped it into my purse. Was I rethinking my growing old gracefully attitude?
When my husband came home from work I pulled out the brochure and showed it to him.
“Hmm,” he said, giving it a once-over before handing it back to me.
“Can you believe it? Getting results like that without going under the knife?” I asked. He said nothing for a few seconds before widening his eyes. “You’re not considering this, are you?”
“No, not really.” I said. I wasn’t, for two reasons. One, the cost would be comparable to an all-inclusive vacation in the Caribbean for a solid week. Two, the results – even though very effective, only last 2 to 3 years. This would be the equivalent to getting a really dazzling, super-awesome present – on loan. Who wants to rent a tight tummy?
I have to admit in all honesty, the idea called out to me. The logical mini-me sat on one shoulder whispering, ‘Ellen, you’re not that vain. You look perfectly fine and know how to dress so that your stomach is not an issue. Besides, would you really consider going all ‘Britney Spears’ with your wardrobe? I think not.’
But the other, more flabby mini-me was whispering, ‘Think of all that hard work you do; all of those exercises. Don’t you deserve to be able to see your efforts instead of letting them sit there unappreciated under all that loose skin?’ Flabby Mini-Me made a good point.
Have you ever had one of those days when you want to complain to your better half, just for the sake of complaining? I turned to my husband and said, ‘It’s the gravity, honey – the GRAVITY. It’s against me.’ and I lifted my shirt as I bent over at the waist, where I will leave what was witnessed to your imagination. Let me just say that a bit of tugging and flapping side-to-side was involved. My husband just laughed.
“Ellen, you’re not the only one who can manipulate her body so that it looks less than attractive, you know.”and he proceeded to make an I’m uncomfortably constipated look with his face. My very sweet, wonderful, goofy, doesn’t-quite-understand-but-tries husband. And yes, technically, he was right; I was kind of forcing my stomach into looking like a hundred-year-old spinster.
In our home, when we have a favorite TV show, we sometimes like to incorporate funny moments or storylines that we’ve seen into our everyday lives. My husband said, “Remember that episode on Seinfeld when Jerry’s hot girlfriend walked around naked and he thought it was a total turn-on, until she tried to open that jar of pickles? Everyone has good naked and bad naked, I don’t care who they are.” OK. Score one for the husband.
So, that was my short-lived dream of having a tummy you could bounce a quarter off of. Would I get Thermage if I had oh, 200,000 pennies lying around? You bet I would. But for now while I’m saving up, I’m going to stick with breast-hugging, waist-slimming clothes, and good lighting.
Oh, and also – it probably would help if I stopped pointing out my flaws to other people. Jeesh!