There are Five Stages of Grief.
- Denial and isolation.
In the last week I have paid a visit to all of these stages. More than once. Stage Four and I currently have a closer relationship than I’d like. I’ve been hanging out there a lot; ceaselessly loitering, actually. At first I tried keeping to a routine, so I got out of bed at my regular time and stayed busy. By Wednesday though, I couldn’t seem to talk myself out of bed. With nowhere to go and my husband at work, it was just me and the dogs. They were great lounging buddies. They slept close by as I buried myself under the covers. I never realized how painfully slow time passes when your mind and body won’t cooperate with each other. Evidently, sleeping the day away is only a saying because I actually tried doing that and it doesn’t work. My mind kept looping back to reality and leave me wishing the days away instead.
For the last 72 hours or so I’ve added a couple of Stages to the above list: Fear and Uncertainty. As I cope with the loss of Patty in my life I now have to come to terms with the fact that I am unemployed, and will continue to be unemployable for the next couple of months. For a woman who totally digs her comfort zone, all of these changes bring on a fear that I can’t begin to describe.
Life will move along whether I’m on board or not. At least I have enough sense to realize that I can’t continue down this path. I’m having major surgery in less than a month and it’s extremely important that I’m physically and emotionally prepared for it. I firmly believe that attitude can aid or hinder recovery and that our bodies respond to the way we are feeling, so, I have put a plan in motion. Not a big one, but a plan nonetheless. One accomplishment before I go to bed every day this week. It doesn’t matter how big or small; I just need to be deliberate in choosing a task that will distract my mind and take away some of these feelings of uselessness. Getting dressed doesn’t count (she repeats to herself).
Because I need some accountability, this little series of assigned jobs is pretty much what you can expect to read about over the next few days.
Today’s task was sitting down at the computer and writing this post. A huge accomplishment, believe me. Trying to find something of value to write about has not been a strength of mine lately.
A belated Happy Mother’s Day to all you Moms out there. See you back here tomorrow – task number one (whatever that may be), completed.