Lately it feels like this blog has been suffering from an identity crisis. The title, Fat Girl Wearing Thin leads the reader to believe that he/she will stumble upon a series of posts that are related to weight loss or maintenance, but the last several posts have read more like a train wreck. Writings of health decisions, major surgeries, deaths, mourning. Today I’m just writing for me – because I need to. It’s about everything, yet nothing. Feel free to read or skip today, depending on how you’re feeling.
For the past 12 years I knew that my job was temporary, but I became comfortable as the years went on. If anyone was going to live to celebrate her 100th birthday, it was this woman. Every medical appointment she attended left her doctors impressed at how healthy she was for her age. In fact, just last week she had a complete physical. Her blood work came back better than people half her age.
I feel as though I’ve lost a spouse; a mother; my closest friend. For twelve years we were in constant contact with one another. She was my responsibility and I felt needed. And loved. Now, I feel useless.
The one piece of comfort I can take in all of this is that I was able to keep my promise to her. She wanted nothing more than to live in her home until she died. I told her that I would do everything in my power to make that happen, and that I would take care of her until the very end. I’m very grateful that she died not having to go to ‘Senior Camp’ (her common term for a nursing home), nor did she suffer. As the ache becomes less intense, I’ll remember my promise to her as one of my greatest accomplishments.
Surgery. I am scheduled for the morning of June 5th. Funny how it isn’t that important to me, anymore. All that worrying and now I barely think about it. I’m sure that will change as it gets closer. I recently realized that the majority of my loose skin resides in my lower tummy area and that is also where the scar will be. If not done properly, my stomach could end up looking worse than it already does. I put in a call to the doctor to see whether or not I should have a consultation with a plastic surgeon. No bikinis in my closet these days so no worries there, but I feel that I should avoid further trauma to my skin if at all possible.
The comforting words you’ve all sent to my inbox and/or left as a comment once again reminds me of how lucky I am to live in this online neighborhood. I can’t thank you enough for your love and kindness, and hope you’ll stick with me as I make my way through these changes in my life. As I find my way beyond today, I think of this pin I found on Pinterest:
Ain’t it the truth.