As I was catching up on other blogs last night I came across a post written by a blogger that resides pretty close to my heart. She is a special one, Teresa is. Always supportive, always thinking of others needs – even when she herself is struggling. I noticed that she hadn’t posted in a while. When that kind of thing happens to a blogger I value, I both worry and talk myself out of worry. “I hope she’s not sick. No, she’s just terribly busy, that’s all. It’s fine.” Finally a post popped up in my reader and as I read, I realized, at least partly, what had been going on. She’d gained 12 pounds and avoided writing about it on her blog. I could feel the frustration in her words, the disappointment she felt in herself, and finally, her determination to get herself back on track. Her commenters were loving, kind, and supportive as they always are within this community.
That post immediately transported me back to the time when I could have been the one writing those words. I’d finally broken from the 200’s and slid into the 190’s seamlessly. I had a little help breaking through that barrier, though: stress. My first marriage was failing. Consciously I didn’t know what was happening, but deep down I must have been aware of the affair. I kept myself busy with diet and exercise and that became my focus. If I look better, I can save my marriage. The weight continued to drop and I made it down to the 180’s.
I don’t quite remember what triggered my sudden reversal, but I’m sure it had something to do with the fact that since my weight loss didn’t affect how my husband felt about me, I kind of gave up on it. Becoming healthier wasn’t going to save my marriage, so why bother? (as I write this, I wish I could speak to that girl and give her all the wisdom she would ever need to know about putting herself first. It kind of breaks my heart to see myself as that person but in retrospect, I needed that experience to happen in order to save myself.)
What followed was depression. Depression and overeating go hand in hand with me and so I ate, while watching the scale rise, rise, rise. I remember continuing to weigh myself even though I knew I was gaining. I think it was probably some form of self punishment, because it only made me more depressed. And yes, then I would eat more.
It wasn’t until one morning when I weighed in at 199 that something ‘clicked.’ You hear people say that a lot….. I don’t know what happened. Something just clicked…Sometimes we can explain it; sometimes not. For me, it was like I’d finally had my fill of self abuse. Suddenly, I was done abusing my body for an action that wasn’t even mine to own. I was angry, and sad, and determined. And it was enough to turn me in the right direction once again. Yes, I was losing the same 15 or 16 pounds that I’d already lost, but it was my life and I had three choices: to continue abusing myself, to stay the same, or to regain control of my life.
When reading weight loss success stories and seeing the before and after photos, it’s easy to forget how much time has passed between Point A and Point B. Many of these stories are just snapshots of what was in reality, many months of denial, bouts of depression and then finally, clarity. Every day provides us with some kind of challenge. Maybe today it’s the decision to have a hysterectomy. Maybe tomorrow it’s trying to figure out how to deal with the constant fear of that post-menopausal weight-gain that one keeps hearing about. The point is, today is all we have.
We do what we can do today.
We find the strength today.
Life is going to roll on as she pleases, and sometimes she’s going to roll right over us, like it or not. Maybe next time when she’s in her foul mood, we step a little faster; maybe we get lucky.
I feel terribly lucky right now. For years I chipped away at my weight alone, not realizing this community even existed. It’s only now, in maintenance, that I feel truly home with all of you, wherever you currently are in life.
I wasn’t really sure where this post was going when I started it this morning but I guess the bottom line is this: please don’t consider yourself a failure when you don’t meet or exceed your expectations. It may take 4 or 5 ups and downs before you hear that ‘click’. It doesn’t mean you don’t want it badly enough. It just means that you’re still learning how to get there.
Have a great Thursday.
XO,
~Ellen
Great post, Ellen. You know I read something yesterday that fits to this topic – it’s about being on autopilot. The writing said that “autopilot” was only actually on course 5 to 10 percent of the time. The rest of the time it was adjusting and making course corrections. That’s how it feels for me – there are days when this is easy and there are weeks when it is not.
I’m with you (surprise!) on the depression and weight gain being BFFs. My emotional and spiritual condition is reflected in my jeans.
To anyone who is out there struggling with this – not all progress is linear.
thank you for sharing yet another way of looking at this issue, Roxie. It well may be one of the most important things to remember from this post.
I love your line: days when this is easy and weeks when it is not. Ain’t that the truth.
I had that “clicking” moment recently. I can’t explain, I just know it happened. After struggling for a long time and hitting rock bottom, I finally got it! Man does it feel good to finally have everything click.
It does feel good when things click, not just with our weight but with anything that we care about. It’s such a gratifying feeling to know that you no longer feel adrift. Good luck, Sabrina!
Such a good post, Ellen. I know exactly what that “click” is and what it means. I also appreciate your very realistic view of weight loss and weight gain. I think most of us have gone through it. Posts such as this one, with the sharing of experience and hope, mean a great deal to so many of us out here who are not yet in maintenance. Thank you!
Thank you for such a lovely comment. I’ve noticed a lot of people struggling lately and that was the one thing I wanted to convey more than anything: you are not alone.
Several people have been struggling and I’ve been wondering if it is cabin fever and eating because of boredom or just not paying enough attention. Sometimes I think I pay too much attention but I want to stay even and not go up and down as I used to do.
I have noticed this as well, and it pains me to read of the word ‘failure’. I’ve worn that word out, I’ve used it so many times in my life. It’s so important to keep a positive outlook and not let those defeating feelings in. Thanks for you comment, Caron.
I wish I had known you back “then”. I am thankful I know you now. This is a beautiful post. You are right… we have today. Not only do we have today, but we have today with wonderful support and friends! xoxoxo
I’m thankful to know you too, Jill
We are very lucky!
What I can never figure out is why the click comes and then suddenly vanishes! Teresa is a sweetie. I hope she reads this and gets a warm fuzzy:)
You make a very valid point, Karen. I’ve been down that road too; way to many times. I don’t know what it is; I suppose for some people, they never get to the place where it sticks; for others (like me, for example) I ‘stuck’, but sometimes I sure do feel like that glue is wearing thin.
I really did! Thanks!!
Thank you so much for this, Ellen. ♥ In the moment, it’s so, so easy to overlook long-term successes and focus instead on short-term struggles. I’ve been treading water for months now, working through depression and issues mainly related to relocating, and finally had my “click” moment a few weeks ago, that slipping back into old habits doesn’t make the present struggles any easier.
Mary – you are one of my favorite people. The things you have accomplished just since I’ve started reading your blog has been utterly amazing. And see, I’M taking a snapshot of your life as well, I just realized. For you, I know this has been a strenuous, challenging journey moving from Chicago to California; adjusting to everything new. You didn’t just ‘arrive’ at this point in your life – you worked your ass off to get here.
…looks like you’ll be working harder still, having signed up for the Chicago Marathon in the fall. Way to go!
First, you were gorgeous then, just like you are now.
Second, I had the same feeling when after 3 months of exercising almost daily, I hadn’t lost a single pound. Not one. I quit exercising and told my mom that I was obviously supposed to be this weight. A weird thing happened, though, I realized I liked exercising (or at least how it made me feel about myself), so after a week off, I started again and haven’t missed more then a day since *knock on wood*. It’s all about who we are doing it for and why – and if it’s anyone other then ourselves, it’s only temporary!
I so totally heart you, Laura.
btw, stagnant is not a word you should ever use in your vocab. You have so many things figured out; it’s just taking time for the world around you to catch up.
Ellen, really great post. I completely agree with you. I firmly believe that at some point something does just “click” and we experience that clarity that ultimately causes us to push forward with our efforts. Of course, since we are human and experience the ups and downs of our daily lives, it’s not a straight line from beginning to end, particularly since there really never is an end. Now that I understand this I am so much more tolerant of myself when the backsliding occurs, and, as a result, the backsliding seems to be diminishing and I am making progress (slowly, but happily.) Thank you for sharing this with us.
So many good lines in your comment, Cindy: ‘particularly since there really never is an end.’ That is SO true, and really does allow one to forgive herself for changing, because change is inevitable. If I based my life solely by what my scale said, I’d be committed somewhere by now because it is always going up or down. Just more proof that nothing ever stays the same. Thank you for this comment
A good post and exactly what I needed to read. I have recently regained some weight and it has been depressing me to no end. I just couldn’t seem to get control of my over eating. Struggling the last few months has been a real nightmare. You totally get it. I’ve had my clicking moment and it seems like I’ve finally gotten a handle on this and am heading out of fatville. Nice it see it in my rear view mirror. I loved the last line” It doesn’t mean you don’t want it badly enough. It just means that you’re still learning how to get there.” I just needed to be reminded I am not a failure. Thanks!!
Paula, I hate to even think of you feeling down about yourself. I’m so glad that you are moving further along down the road these days. If you ever need to vent or just chat with someone who’d likely understand, I’m right here
Ellen, I so needed to hear this. I’m just like your friend Teresa. I hate to let people down, so if I don’t have anything positive to blog about (like weight loss), then I just don’t want to blog. Now I’ve put back on a TON of pounds (just one of the many reasons for ending my old blog and eventually will start a new one). I need a new start, a fresh start. I’ve royally tainted my old blog (LOL). Thanks for the encouragement!
Jan, I can’t wait for your new blog to appear. You are so special; always thinking of others the way you do. This blog WILL be a fresh start and you will feel renewed and ready to take on anything life throws your way! I’ll be right here to support you 100%.
Very nicely put at the end there. It gives me hope to know that having an up doesn’t mean it’s the end it’s just part of the journey for some of us!
Thanks for putting it into perspective for me. You and all of our fellow bloggers sure are treading a nice lath for me to follow.
Thank YOU for your post (yours, and then your link to Teresa’s post helped prompted my post). Getting healthy is a tricky business. Staying there is even trickier, but thank goodness for our supportive friends online (like you!!)
It’s so strange to see you “before”, since I’ve only known you since you’ve been maintaining.
It gives me so much hope.
Thank you for your lovely, kind words and thoughts about me. It means so much.
What you said at the end about “still learning how to get there” is just perfect and I’ll think about it as I go along.
hugs.
I just wanted you to know how important you are, and that we have all been in your place – and it’s nothing to feel embarrassed about. In fact, you and every other blogger that puts him/herself out there like you do is a very brave thing to do. If I’d had a blog while I was losing, who knows how many times I would have been backpeddling.
Hugs right back at ya!
I hear you, Ellen. Just had a ‘click’ moment, myself.
Brava Ellen!! This is the way I express it: it takes as long as it needs to take…and that’s okay!
Wonderful post, I had that click moment after losing lots of weight and regaining it all back + more about 5-6yrs ago. That experience proved invaluable and has really helped me on this journey.