So, a few weeks ago I posted that I was in the beginning stages of reading a new book Van Gogh: The Life. It’s a hefty read at over 900 pages and since I prefer audiobooks, the reading is going a bit slow. Yesterday morning on my way to work I decided to take a break from the book and go to the library to pick up some magazines to flip through during the evening. I grabbed new and old mags including Self, Woman’s Day, More, Martha Stewart Living, and Allure.
By 10 PM, I’d dropped my last magazine on the floor. And I was a bit aggravated. At first I wasn’t sure why. But by this morning it dawned on me.
Ahem…As I step high upon my soapbox I welcome you to today’s post. Warning: now may be a good time to start running for the hills before it’s too late!
Before I begin, I want to make clear that I’m not posting a belief that magazines were created to show us just how ordinary, boring and average we are compared to the beauties, thrill seekers and go-getters I kept reading about last night – although I do admit to sometimes feeling that way. No, this post is more about why being considered normal is somehow just not good enough. People are considered less-than because they aren’t doing it ALL:
Don’t I want to break through that glass ceiling? Get to the top of that corporate ladder? I need to work harder, perform better, be smarter, stay later and dress for success.
Didn’t you know that it’s considered blasphemy to call yourself a Good Parent? Now you have to be known as the Best Parent in the World (can also substitute ‘best’ for Coolest, Greatest, Most Fun to Be With - your choice).
Want to lose weight? Well, it isn’t good enough to lose 30, 50, or 80 pounds. It seems as though I also have to become an avid runner or join a cycling club. Then I need to enter multiple marathons. Then I have to keep beating my previous times.
Don’t forget meals. Apparently, fragrant homemade meals are key in keeping families together. It has to taste sinfully good and scream healthy, and look like it just stepped out of Martha Stewart’s kitchen. So, I’d best start learning how to flip those snowflake-shaped flapjacks next to that pure maple syrup I should be extracting from that tree outside.
What about exercise? Making an effort to getting up and moving every day it seems, is unacceptable. Now, I have to squeeze in 30, 45, 60 minutes of cardio 5 days a week; cram in some strength training; don’t forget about Yoga (my mental health counts too, you know) and make sure I get at least 8 hours of sleep every night.
Don’t forget about my wild and crazy side! I need to get out there and mountain climb; book a flight to climb Kilimanjaro; get my rear end to the Galapagos before it gets overrun by all those darned tourists. Oh, and why not learn to speak another language while I’m at it?
So, let’s recap: since we are now newly titled as Best Parents Ever and Employees of the Month (for the third time this year), Marathon Runners, Master Cyclists, Culinary Chefs, Master Yogis, French speaking buffed-out Gods(or Goddesses), we should be feeling pretty rested, what with all that sleep we’re obviously getting, right?
*Whew* Between us, I do believe that this post contains more sarcasm than all of my past writings put together.
OK. Here’s what I’m really trying to get across: while magazines don’t help any, they aren’t the only culprit. I see people who constantly compare themselves to other people, and I have been known to do this as well; it’s just plain human nature. If He or She is doing this or that, then there must be something lacking within me. I must find a way to be strong enough/smart enough to do it, too. The problem is, no one can do it all. If we spent all of our time trying to do what’s considered ‘enough’, which is essentially everything that’s supposed to turn us into better, well-rounded people, we’d simply never get anything done!
Consider this post an introduction to my Hate-Loss Challenge that’s coming up in January. For the next couple of weeks I think we should stop comparing ourselves to the marathon blogger we read about and embrace the fact that there’s nothing wrong with just running for fun, if that’s what we want to do.
Maybe take it easy on yourself and quit comparing yourself to other parents and the things you think you should be doing with your children. Take pride in the fact that one of the great things about being a parent is that there will always be opportunities to teach them how to become better human beings.
Don’t look down on ourselves because we’re not thrill-seekers or great adventurers. Be happy that our genetic makeup is what keeps us from going beyond the guard-rail and teetering at the edge of the Grand Canyon. There is nothing wrong with us.
Finally, I say think – really think about the things that you want to do in your life. For You. Because you want to. Not because you’ve seen or read or heard that you should be doing these things.
Life is too short to feel guilty about the things you haven’t done. It’s your precious time that’s being filled, so fill that life with things that are meaningful to you.
As for me? Let me find peace with my decision to do cardio only 3 days a week for 30 minutes because it’s just as important to me that I paint. Allow me to forgive myself for not focusing more on my career because if I did, then this blog would have never existed. And right now it makes more sense to use my extra cash for Yoga classes instead of saving it for that trip to Wherever-Land because right now this is what I need.
It’s not easy, learning to be enough; but I think being enough is really an all right place to be.
What do you think about this? Do you ever feel like you should be doing more or compare yourself to others?
Great post, Ellen! I think the same concept holds true for us in the blog world. Comparing to what other bloggers are doing as far as exercise or eating or posting schedules or anything! Do I ever feel I should be doing “more?” Sure, sometimes. Like c25k. And adding back yoga. But it is only fleeting thoughts and I don’t think it because someone else is doing it. That is just sometimes my little reminder:)
You are so right, Karen. I have been guilty of that in the past. Thank goodness I have let go of the idea that my blog should be equal to another. It’s good enough that it’s just ‘different’.
Ah. I was going to post this very thought. I sometimes look at the exercise regimes of fellow bloggers and really wonder about myself. It always comes down to that pesky exercise.
I am so glad that sorta thinking does not bleed into my other parts of my life.
I see lots and lots of people (men and women) who suffer from the I am not perfect enough thinking. This post is a nice beginning to get us rethinking how we perceive ourselves and treat ourselves.
Really excellent post Ellen! This is exactly what I needed to hear today. Sometimes I get so frustrated with myself because I *think* I need to be more, do more, have more…it is an exhausting thing to always be striving! Accepting where I am right now is not an easy thing though. Gonna have to work on that! thanks for a great post!
Jill, you’re the one to thank – I greatly appreciate your comment. It’s maddening to always feel like we’re not doing enough things. No one should feel inadequate for doing what they can.
I don’t do commercials, magazines or the like. I don’t do talk shows or the like. I stay away from all the how to and reality stuff. For me, it is an important part of maintenance.
A great idea all the way around. I’m not too keen on being preached to about how changing where I lay my head at night will make me look younger 5 years down the road. I mean, it gets to the point of ridiculousness!
I just went through the “I’m not doing enough exercise so I might as well not do any” phase. Then I saw a video that gave amazing stats for doing just 20 to 25 minutes a day and I perked right up. I can do that!
Caron, your comment is SPOT-ON! This is a wonderful example of how these feelings of inadequacy can squash ANY attempt at a better life. We just need to remember to do what we can and be content with our decisions. Thank you!
EXCELLENT post…you hit it out of the park!! And Karen also makes a great point. It’s funny because I recently saw a quote that said something like this: not only is it harmful to compare yourself to others, it doesn’t help to compare yourself to previous versions of yourself.
I think part of the reason my weight has been so much more stable over the past year (and I’m “down” not “up”) is precisely because I chose to stop searching outside myself for a “fix.” I learned to trust myself. Nothing more precious than that!
What a fantastic point, Karen. Thank you for bringing that quote into the discussion – that’s one I never considered before but SO important – maybe even more so than anything else, because we have to live with our decisions and be happy with who WE are. Comparing ourselves with previous versions of who we used to be leads only to disappointment and more feelings of inadequacy (that word: inadequacy must be my word of the day…I sure am using it a lot!) lol
WOW! What a post! I laughed and I cried! You have a way of doing that to me!!!
I am working on being enough. I agree- enough is a good place to be. Actually- it is a great place to be! I learned today that I am a good enough mother- as you will see in my next post! That has been one of my biggest “comparisons”. I think I can stop comparing now!!!
I am really excited about the Hate-Loss Challenge!!!
Even though I am not a mother, I have seen what kind of damage it can do to perfectly lovely, caring, wonderful parents. I’m convinced that allowing self-doubt to creep in like that is just poisonous. Another commenter wrote: I am enough as long as I am present. I love that.
So true, Ellen! And sometimes it’s not even about comparing myself to someone else, but about comparing myself to the me I USED TO BE. 25 pounds lighter, taking martial arts four days a week, going to the gym on my days off from the dojo, etc. That wasn’t all that many years ago, and I feel like I “should” be able to go back there.
But what I want to do is just be able to be out in the world enjoying whatever I’m doing at that moment, whether it’s being outdoors, or being indoors writing, learning to lay mosaics, or play the fiddle, or take a belly dancing class, or teaching on any number of topics.
To my children, I am enough as long as I am present. I know I make mistakes and I apologize when I do. I try to do as much for and with them as time and money will allow.
Elizabeth, thank you so much for your insightful comment. I LOVE what you wrote about being enough for your children as long as you are present. Just love it. I laid your words out for another commenter who compared herself to other parents. Being here in the moment is what it’s all about.
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Oh believe me, I can’t wait to have my every parenting decision questioned on the internet. I honestly don’t know how some of those mommy/daddy bloggers stay sane in the face of the vitriol spewed at them.
And as for magazines, it’s really no wonder that they’re a constant source of “you need to improve yourself”. Their goal is to sell you things, pure and simple, and what better way to sell you something than to convince you that you’re lacking in some way, and if you just buy this product or adopt this (costly) lifestyle choice, you won’t be quite so insufficient.
Have you worked for a magazine publisher before, Greg? You seem to have a firm grasp on all this stuff! You’re also spot-on with the selling part. As if we don’t already have enough ads thrown in our faces on a daily basis.
Best thing to do is seek advice when you require it. Other than that, let someone else be subjected to them, knowing that together, you’ll be the best parents ever.
It’s funny – I stopped reading magazines except for Vegetarian Times and Yoga Journal a couple of months ago, and I didn’t quite know why! I think you totally crystallized it for me! I’m hard enough on myself without comparing myself to anyone else!
Ellen,
This really hit home for me. I so easily fall in to the trap of what I’m doing is not good enough. Examples: I don’t live in a nice enough house, I don’t drive an expensive car, I don’t run half-marathons (I walk them and WHY would you do that??), I don’t buy my clothes from expensive stores etc. The list goes on and on. The sad part is that I’m not to the point in my life (maybe self esteem is the issue here) where I really believe that I’m okay just the way I am. Most of the time I feel ‘less than’. It’s a hard way to live. Somwhere in the back of my mind I know it’s not true but when you’re around people who on a daily basis judge others based on these types of things, it’s hard to really believe that you aren’t ‘less than’.
It takes a lot of work to figure out why we think like we do. I’ve spent a lot of time on this but I still have a ways to go.
Connie
Connie, thank you for contributing to this post with such a heartfelt, honest comment. You’re right – it is not easy being Enough sometimes, especially if you are surrounded by people who judge others. The thing is, these same people who are judging are probably doing so because it serves a distraction so THEY won’t be judged themselves. I think too, learning to be Enough comes in time, little by little. I’m glad you’re spending time on it. That means you’ll get there. I have no doubt
Comparing myself to others is something I used to do… more so in my work than in other arenas, but I wasn’t immune to it in other ones either.
It’s about learning to have an inward focus instead of an outward focus. When our standards for measurement are outside of us, we’ll never ever measure up. So we have to do what we do because it feels right for us… because it sits well with us…
So for a time, I think I avoided doing things that might garner any recognition or praise. But that didn’t make me happy either. Now, I realize that sometimes, praise and recognition may naturally flow from some things that I do… but that they’re just byproducts and certainly not the goal.
I want to hug you for this post!!!
Beth, thank you for reading my post! Hugs right back!!
Hi, first visit to your blog and I found a great, juicy post here! What an interesting topic, I think I could write a novel about this. I agree that our society is greatly influenced by the media and it seems like we as a people have convinced ourselves that if we don’t compare then we may as well give up. When I start hearing those negative thoughts in my head or start comparing myself to others I like to ask myself a question: Will anyone mention that skill, quality, talent, etc…in my eulogy?” If the answer is no then I feel okay being average in that area.
Great to have “met” you. I’ll be back for more.
Welcome, welcome! Glad I was having a ‘good post’ day when you stopped by! lol
You make an excellent point about what to do when those negative feelings start up – especially when referring to your eulogy. I know that many people don’t necessarily make a point to think of that time in their lives, but it sure puts things that we do into perspective!
Thank you for reading and especially your comment
Awesome post, Ellen!
I think Brene Brown was the first person I heard speak about the concept of being “enough”–and the shame that comes when we begin to believe we’re not enough or will never be….or have…enough. I’ve been (mostly) winning that battle, but those thoughts do pop up when I least expect them.
HA! Boy do I feel like I should be doing more all of the time. Someone’s wife is skinnier than my husbands wife, someone can balance three kids and I can barely balance one, friends can surf the net and chat it up on facebook during their kids naps and I’m fighting to find time to email people back, etc… It’s a vicious cycle. Thanks for this post, for grounding me. My husband didn’t marry me for my looks, God created me to be the Mom of my child and is daily giving me the patience to be what my child needs me to be (a healthy balance of both fun and discipline), and I choose to volunteer my time during my kids nap instead of chatting it up with friends on facebook. I’m making choices that define me as a person. They are choices I want to make for myself. Thank you for taking that guilt off of me to strive to be like everyone else.
Amen Sista! Preach it. I am enough. Period. Love this post… and I only read magazines at the grocery store checkout line… (!)
CD, I’m considering a ‘burn-fest’ for all of my remaining magazines. Even the cooking ones are making me angry. They offer recipes and wonderful shots of these great dishes but refuse to put the nutritional info at the bottom! Sneaky!
I’m with Vickie on this – I eschew magazines, television and all commercials. It has definitely made me happier!
Hi Ellen! Great post. I gave up magazines and inspirational-speaker TV shows quite some time ago. I think, for most of us, becoming “enough” is a long, gradual learning process. As the youngest in a family of over-achievers, I was constantly commanded to be many things I was not mature enough to be, or ever wanted to be. From my mature (old???) calm vantage point, I look back at the neurotic mess I was for many years and shake my head melancholily at how much of my younger years were damaged by trying to fulfill others’ ambitions for me…..most of which were to enhance their own well-being, not mine.
Did you write this for me? =) HAHA. This has been weighing in my mind quite a bit lately. Actually…and I know this is bad…I’ve been having some issues feeling adequate because I think I’m too normal. Which is CRAZY. Someone has to be, right?? And what’s so wrong with normal anyway?
One of the factors I think has contributed to this issue for me, at least, is that growing up in my generation, everyone is a special snowflake. Everyone was told every day in elementary school and even middle and high school that we had special talents. Everyone got awards for stuff. Our parents, coaches and teachers were always focusing on our unique qualities that made us so much better at a certain thing than our peers. And honestly — we were babied. We are the grade inflation generation…we are the “all sports teams tie until middle school!” generation. Then we reach adulthood and maybe something happens — we drop out of college (ahem) and enter the working world, say, and see that oops, we aren’t really all that different from anyone else. Combine this with all the messages from the media you referenced above and really, it’s no wonder I feel like it’s bad to be normal.
Sable, you have brought SUCH an interesting twist to this topic. Thank you for that! I’m part of the X Generation so it was obviously different for me, growing up. I can totally see why your generation has issues (we ALL have issues, it seems. No matter when we were raised). It’s hard to cut through all of the BS sometimes and just live. our. lives. Being aware though, I think that’s a step in the right direction.
Wonderful post! I do become weary of all the messages bombarding me to give 110% when that’s just not sustainable or practical. When I was growing up I was in a music group and our director used to drill us with the motto “good enough, isn’t”. Well sometimes good enough is all one can do and that’s fine. It makes my heart hurt to see my friends trying to do and have it all and they are so miserable in the process.
I see the same thing happening with people that I know, Paula. It makes me want to just shake them and say, ‘Look around you!!’ They get so busy being distracted by shiny objects that they don’t see what is right in front of them.
I really needed to hear this. Thank you so much. <3
Chelsey, thank you for stopping by to read my ‘rant’ post. I’m glad you enjoyed it and hope it helped you to realize that you are a unique, wonderful person. Screw the mags!! lol
HI Ellen. I’m giving you a standing ovation for this post!!!!! THIS needs to published in a magazine! Thanks so much for giving me something to ‘bravo’ at this morning! Hugs.
What can I say that was not already said. Opps! Now I am comparing myself to other commenters. . .
Truly an excellent, honest, reminding post. Novelist Judith Krantz uses this concept to save her protagonist in the book I’ll Take Manhattan. The heroine laments how all magazines are designed to make us feel like crap and creates a magazine that is made to make us feel good about ourselves. Since that magazine does not exist, I let all my magazine subscriptions lapse last year and I feel great because of it.
As for talk shows:
Oprah had an episode with people who have all lost more weight than me – and I have lost 220 pounds! These people had lost 250, 300, 400 pounds each. I started thinking my weight loss was not good enough, I was not good enough . . . . . I stopped watching her show that week and never went back to watch the final year episodes because I realized I was never going to find what I needed by comparing myself to others.
I am very much looking forward to your challenge. It will be the first blog challenge I have ever joined.
Well, Jane – you just made my day when I read that you’ll be joining this challenge in January. It’s become very dear to my heart and I am looking forward to starting the new year with a more polished attitude, myself. Last year’s challenge really helped me so much.
You are an amazing person and I am so glad you aren’t comparing yourself to others who have lost weight. Losing it isn’t the same as keeping it off, as we all know. I wonder how many of those people have maintained. You know exactly where you are and what you’ve been through to get to this point and should be SO proud of your accomplishment. I know I am
Are we twins? Whenever I read your posts, it seems like you’ve walked in my shoes. Life is too short to feel guilty. People including family, have always used guilt to make me do things for them rather than allowing me to to do what I want to do. One of the last things my father said to me before he died was to try to be happy. To think about what I wanted to to with my life for ME, not everyone else. He made me promise I would try. Up until this point I’ve not been successful, however, reading this post has reminded me that it is my precious time that is being filled and to fill my life with what is meaningful to me. Your great! Thanks for reminding me I am worth it and I do not need to feel guilty to put myself first.
Paula, you are so sweet. I had a similar conversation with my own father shorty before his death. He said some of the same things your father did. What a gift that was, considering that my dad worked his entire life without gaining much pleasure out of it. It saddens me to this day and I am always having to remind myself of what he said.
Thank you for your comment today.
It is so nice to know there is someone out there similar to me that can relate to what has happened in my life or feels the same way I do about stuff.
The older I get, the less interest I find in so called women’s magazines. I used to read them religiously, but lately I’ll thumb through one while I’m at the gym and make fun of the “helpful” articles. Plus, I can’t stop seeing Photoshop everywhere. Skin that too flawless? Photoshop! Girls who are too skinny? Yes, they are PLUS Photoshop! I am who I am (without Photoshop!) and it’s just going to have to be good enough!
Great post! I shy away from magazines, because they come off as mostly tasteless and tacky fluff that is cartoonish and completely unrelated to real life. Are the perfect moms/cooks/marathon runners/and corporate elite truly happier than the rest of us? Every success story has a dark underbelly, but that part tends to be glossed over. Let us highlight the perfection end of things, and leave out the insecurities, fears, failed attempts, and moments of confusion and indecision. Le sigh.