My nephew and I have a very close relationship. We talk and/or text each other several times a week. While on the phone the other day, he mentioned that he was watching some home movies that my brother had transferred from VHS to DVD. “I have videos of Christmas from 1995, ‘96 and ‘97,” he said.
Having never seen any of them, I thought it would be fun to watch so I asked him to bring them to my Mom’s house on a day when we were all over there visiting. I should mention that for the first time ever, I’d be watching video of myself at my heaviest weight. That never occurred to me at the time, nor did it occur to me that my husband would be witnessing the same thing.
My nephew pressed the Play button and we all sat back and watched as the camera focused on my Mom and Dad opening gifts with the grandkids. Someone in the background in a familiar voice said something, and the camera panned to the left, where an alternate version of me sat cross-legged on the floor, waving. So very strange. It was me, but it wasn’t me. All of these memories started rushing back into my mind as I watched this other version of Ellen shift from side to side, trying to get comfortable on the floor. Wow. How could I forget that I couldn’t perform the simple act of folding my arms over my chest? I watched as my younger, heavier self rested her arms over her chest by grabbing onto opposite elbows. I watched her avoid the camera at every opportunity. She spoke with an uncertain quietness. She wore clothing that was too large, hoping it would disguise the weight underneath. Memory overload.
I wondered what my husband was thinking. I looked over at him as he sat, watching the TV. I couldn’t read his face. Was it curiosity? Shock? I didn’t want to ask him anything in front of the rest of my family because I didn’t want to put him on the spot, so we all just sat there. Watching.
When we got home that night I asked him what his thoughts were while watching me on the video. He answered my question with a question: ‘What did YOU think of you while watching that video’?
I thought a long time about it. “Well,” I said, finally. “I guess it felt like I was watching a very distant relative of mine that I hadn’t seen in a long, long time.” He nodded. Then he said, “Truthfully, I kept hearing your voice but I didn’t see you anywhere. It was weird. I mean, logically I knew that person was you, but it was like watching someone I’d never met before.’
I’ve been thinking a lot about all the photos and videos that have included me over the years. There have been countless photos that I’ve torn up and thrown away because I hated the way I looked in them. Never in a million years would I have thought that seeing similar photos or God forbid – video, would bring me a sense of accomplishment. Pride, even.
But there I was, face to face with a true-blue before and after.
If you’re one of those people who hides yourself in photos or steers clear of video cameras, you may want to rethink that decision. You are evolving into another version of you, and may someday appreciate being reminded of the different stages of your life. Something to think about.
That must have been a weird feeling to see! I wish that I had video of me at my heaviest, but I completely avoided the camera. I think it would be kind of fun to watch now
I’ve avoided cameras for most of my life. I still don’t like to see pictures of myself. I remember going to the teacher’s desk in 4th grade to see my school pictures. I pulled them out and was horrified at what I saw. Back in the envelope they went never to be seen by anyone else again. Right now I would like to see that picture. I wonder if it was as bad as I thought.
Yes, Ellen, even though I’ve regained some, and I can get pretty down on myself about that, I am not the person I was back then. I have a couple of pictures sitting out that I look at fairly frequently. Especially one of my dad and myself at our heaviest. What I mostly can’t get over is how very unhealthy we look. My favorite picture of us together we are probably 10 years older, but look light years healthier.
You were beautiful then, and you’re beautiful now.
That must have been such an odd feeling. Seeing you, but not really you. I was one of “those” that avoided the camera- but today am thankful that I can look back and see where I don’t ever want to go. I don’t pat myself on the back that much… but when I see a photo of the “old’ Jill- I can help but feel a sense of being proud of all I have accomplished! I hope you feel that way everyday! You are amazing!!
I get that same feeling looking at old pictures of myself. I guess that’s the thing about weight loss. It happens over a long period of time, and so while you see the changes, they’re gradual and it’s kind of hard to get the correct perspective on it. Then you see a picture of yourself at your heaviest and think, “Wow, that used to be me…”
Kind of makes you reflect on just how far you’ve come.
When I was growing up I’d hide from videos. I was thin, but hated how I looked on camera. And sounded. When I got married I chose not to have the ceremony recorded. I regret that. As an adult, while I still am not a huge fan of being photographed, still or moving, I have learned that I enjoy going back and seeing the memories with me or others in them.
When I’m working out or eating healthy foods, I often joke with my husband and say “Who the heck am I?” since Jenn does NOT work out or eat persimmons over having an ice frappuccino. However, the truth is more like, “Who was that other person?” The Jenn who was never full and hated every single picture of herself. Sometimes it does feel like an out of body experience. It’s me, but not me at the same time. Those pictures of our old selves were pretty horrifying to see at the time, but are fun to look back at now. Who’d ever thought that that would ever happen???
I avoided having my picture made when I was larger. Now that I’m…not larger, I wish I had more photos. Because, you’re right, the feeling of accomplishment and progress are beyond compare. Plus, you know, there are all those happy-time memories I could be enjoying.
Started hate loss challenge early I see.
Weird about the arms. I think you have mentioned it before.
I don’t delete pictures from my fatter days anymore either. It is part of me and who I am.
For a long time after I lost weight, I didn’t want ANYONE to see pictures of me when I was heavier, especially people I was dating, because I thought they’d be afraid that I’d get that way again.
One day, I realized that it was who I was. All of it. Then. Now. It doesn’t define me and if someone didn’t want to date me because I was formerly fat and may be again, then I probably didn’t want to date them anyway. I still bringe about what people say about the old me. Honestly, I was nicer then and maybe smarter. I never had to worry about what people’s motives were for being around me. I’m happy now, but I was happy then. I plan on being happy in the future. Plus size or not!
YOU SAID IT WELL!!! Don’t throw away photos from the different stages of our lives. I know what you mean about looking at them and feeling different now… even though I’ve a great distance to go. The thing is — some of the happiest days of my life were when I was at my heaviest… namely, the day I graduated from law school. I am so proud of that and so proud of those photos. I even have them in my office at work. My face was glowing with happiness, and it doesn’t even matter what my weight was then… that was the best day of my life thus far!! I wouldn’t trade those photos for anything.
This post has inspired me to take jiggly pictures of myself in my underwear so that I can giggle at them several years down the road when I have achieved all of my fitness goals. Perhaps I should get a video of my extra chin wobbling around too. I will be posting these gems in the near future on my blogs. My readers will have you to thank, tee hee hee.
I do think dealing/facing old pictures is part of the process.
Mine came after I got to my second goal (lost last 20 lbs after maintaining at my first goal for 2 years). I sat down and loaded my pics on my blog in chronological order. I posted them right around my birthday. I keep the link on my side bar so I can find them easily when I need to check something. I use my side bar a lot.
For me it wasn’t as much about looking at the fat as it was about looking at my eyes. I took the pictures in to my therapist and she could see the difference in my eyes too (about age 6). It was like I could see the date when the worry/fear/anxiety started.
I think this is another really good post. Something not talked about very often. You did a very good job.
This type of thing can really shake one. Have you done well since this happened or has it churned up a lot for you?
Brava Ellen!!
What struck me most about this post was this:
“When we got home that night I asked him what his thoughts were while watching me on the video. He answered my question with a question: ‘What did YOU think of you while watching that video’? ”
Your husband sounds like my husband…when I asked him if he’d be happier if I lost weight, and he asked me, “would YOU be happier if you lost weight?”
I have photos of my fatter self that I now treasure and love…I don’t look at myself then with disgust, but rather with hope and compassion. That says a whole lot…
AND it helps me feel love and compassion for myself now, too. And that helps a whole lot…
Wow, trippy!
I really started letting the pictures flow the past couple of years. It’s another gift of blogging. Because I started to believe I was at least going to continue on this journey no matter how long it took, I took the photos. Knowing they were “before” pictures made all the difference for me.
And of course, having a baby ruins the possibility of staying hidden. Gotta capture that kid and since she was always on me or near me… sigh… depressing and motivating.
I love that you and your nephew are so close. That’s sweet.
Thankfully I don’t have video of myself at 250 pounds. After losing over 100 pounds though, I still look at old photos in disbelief. It’s hard to imagine that WAS me.
Recently I came across a video of me as a child and I was so happy, energetic, very inquisitive and so full of life. Somewhere between then and now something obviously went wrong because I lost a lot of that in me. It was pretty sad watching it until my sister said “you were so annoying back then!” LOL
Oh wow, this post brought a few tears to my eyes. I’m still at the high weight, so it’s hard for me to imagine ever feeling different again. Thanks for giving me hope! I loved this post!