Fat Girl Wearing A Few Extra
It’s quite possible that my blog is having an identity crisis. Early into the week it decided that it was going to be called Garden Girl Wearing Overalls due to my recent fairy garden class. Now, it appears that at least for the time being, my blog should be renamed Fat Girl Wearing A Few Extra – pounds, that is.
I have given this a lot of thought over the past couple of days, and your comments to my weight-gain confession helped put some things into perspective for me. In her comment to me, Karen probably had no idea that she was reminding me of something I wrote in a recent post: If I’m emotionally fit, my physical health will follow. I responded to her comment by stating that maybe I should start practicing what I preach.
Yes, these extra pounds have decided they want to take up permanent residence within this body of mine. Yes, right now my anxiety is still the proverbial thorn in my side, but YES! I am emotionally healthier than I was 5 weeks ago.
My husband and I sat down to discuss this on Wednesday night. Here’s a brief glimpse of our conversation:
Me: I’ve gained 7 pounds since beginning those anxiety meds.
Him: Well, I can’t tell (smart man) but that’s pretty common with depression/anxiety meds, anyway.
Me: I don’t know what to do. Wean off of it? Try yet another medication? What?!
Him: Ellen, do you feel better?
Me: I think so, but maybe I’m too close to put it into proper perspective. Do you think I’m better?
Him: Before you started these meds, I thought you looked miserable. You couldn’t concentrate or sit still; Small, day-to-day things seemed difficult for you. I don’t see that person these days. You’re more relaxed, less stressed-out over every day things, and you seem more at ease. You don’t want to go back to that, do you? Besides, I personally think that the weight will even out and you’ll stop gaining once your body is fully adjusted to the meds.
I sat there taking in everything he said. For the last couple of days I’ve reflected on this and have tried to put things into greater perspective.
No. I don’t want to go back to being that flakey, nervous, high-strung person, which is why you are not going to see me writing about how disappointed I am with myself. I have no plans to starve off these pounds with lettuce and rice cakes. Neither will you be reading about a dedicated plan of recovery, including the latest detox program. No, I’m not doing any of that. Instead, I’m going to do something that I’ve never done before: I’m going to give these few pounds a home for a bit, while I continue taking care of my mental health.
I’ve hovered around 130 pounds for years now. The thought of allowing a few extra to cling to my body is something completely foreign to me. Normally, when I gain 3 or 4 (be it hormones or holidays) I put my butt into gear and get the pounds off with focused, hard work. My physical health will still be a priority as I try my hardest to gain no more weight, but I have to keep reminding myself that these pounds don’t require a definition from me. They don’t have to mean that I’m having a relapse; nor do they mean I’m lazy, unproductive, even unattractive. I’m seven pounds up, and guess what? The earth didn’t shift; it didn’t rain locusts, the sun still rises every morning….and I need a lesson in having more faith in myself.
I’m not going to lie, here. I wouldn’t be me if I weren’t feeling a little wigged out. I’m going against everything I’ve taught myself all these years. Excess has always been the enemy, and here I am, sending it a personal invitation to take up residence within my most personal space. If these pounds continue to creep forward I will deal with it. But, right now I think I just need to get over myself. Feeling anxious over these added pounds will only add fuel to the fire.
So here’s my plan: I am going to continue on with my current anxiety medication for another month. I’m going to sign up for yoga classes on Monday. I’m going to continue to put the same kind of energy into my mental well being as I have been putting into my physical well-being. In other words: I’m putting my money where my mouth is. I can’t love myself for who I am if I gauge that love depending on what I’m currently weighing in at. The sooner I realize that all I can do in this world is try to be accepting of who I am right now, then I have to trust that everything else will turn out OK. If I’m emotionally fit, my physical health will follow.