It can be very empowering to let go of something that no longer describes who you are. The words to quit gets a bad wrap sometimes. It sounds so final – and maybe under the right circumstances it is. But it doesn’t always have to be forever.
I wrote the above words in a post that I published late last year. I was writing about walking away from things that just weren’t working anymore. The thing that wasn’t working for me at that time was my relationship with painting. I’d committed myself to a project that was to be part of a series, with the theme being Autumn Woods. I’ve expressed myself through art in various forms of oil, pencil, pastel, clay or watercolor for over half of my life, but in December of 2010 I was feeling disconnected and decided that it was time to walk away from it for a while. The full post can be found here. Below, is an excerpt:
I passed those paintings every time I washed a load of laundry. I’d walk by and see them sitting there out of the corner of my eye and each time I did, I’d get this nagging feeling in my gut reminding me that I ‘needed’ to finish them. Notice I didn’t use the word want. There is a huge difference between the two. In reality, I need to work; I need to pay my bills; to get up in the mornings. I should want to do the things that normally bring joy and a sense of meaning to my life. Instead, what was once my passion was now bringing me anxiety and a sense of dread. I knew that I had to do something but truthfully, it scared the hell out of me. Have you ever done something for so long that it becomes an extension of who you are? And then lost your passion for it?
What if it were OK to set something aside for a bit? What if it were perfectly acceptable to put a pin in it; to let it simmer about for a while? Dare I say that depending on the circumstances, it could actually be better to completely let go of something with the intention of never looking back?
Fill in the blank: What would happen if I quit _________? (painting? running? blogging? hanging out with people that are not good for me anymore?) Would it make me sad? Would I miss it? Would I feel lost without it?
I decided to do a little experiment. First, I assured myself that it would only be for one month – then I would re-evaluate the situation. I also began telling myself that I was not throwing them away; I was just moving them for a while. Once I became comfortable with that idea, I packed up the paintings. I cleaned my work station and placed all of my brushes and paint into a box – and I put everything away. Let me tell you what happened the next time I went downstairs to do laundry: I felt as though a 4 ton weight had been lifted from my my mind.
That was seven months ago. I spent seven months without feeling the need or desire to finish that series of paintings. The longer I went about my life, the less I thought of it. Part of me wondered if I’d ever unpack my easel. Then, one day a couple of weeks ago – I did.
I don’t know what happened, exactly. I was in the basement separating lights from darks and suddenly felt an overwhelming urge to put together the easel and just set out my unfinished painting, which I did. Two days later, my brushes and acrylics were put to work. I didn’t work diligently; every time a load needed to go into the washer or dryer I’d spend 5 minutes adding a few brushstrokes here and there, then I’d head back upstairs and continue about my day. I carried on like this for almost a week. And then, I finished it.
I’m now working on a new series of paintings and I am feeling this surge of creativity beginning to flow again. I feel like ‘me’ again. Not that the me who didn’t paint for seven months was suffering any; I took pottery classes, wrote more, and realized that it was OK to put that part of me away for a while.
It wasn’t easy letting go of something that I felt, at least in part, defined me. I was afraid that I’d no longer recognize myself for who I was anymore. It wouldn’t have been the end of the world if I’d never picked up a paintbrush again but I have to say, I’m relieved that I found my way back to it. Truthfully, I think it needed a vacation from me. I wasn’t doing my craft any favors with my indifference and lack of desire.
Have you ever lost your passion for something or felt the need to take a break from it? Did you ever find your way back to it, or did your time away lead you to something completely different?
This post just made me feel very good. I don’t paint, but your process makes a lot of sense to me. I have become very wary of the words “must”, “should” and “need to”. “Desire” and “compulsion” are so much better, whether we’re talking about art, exercise, weight loss or spending time with our families.
I agree that we have to be very careful of how we use these words. The minute I feel as though I ‘have’ to do something, it can change my outlook on the whole experience.
Oh Ellen… I am so truly happy for you! What a beautiful post, past post and paintings! I have so much to say about it all. I think you have hit on something very important and I am trying to wrap my brain around what it means for me. I am so happy that your desire to paint is back. Having a passion makes life that much more fabulous! Your paintings are BEAUTIFUL!
(does this mean you won’t have time for biking?)LOL!!!
ha! Jill, I promise that I WILL be on a bike before the end of summer, complete with photos, I’m sure (otherwise, my family might not believe me!) lol
First – your work is AMAZING. Such talent!!!
Second, I know how you feel about taking a “break” from a passion. Sometimes it comes back overwhelmingly strong, and sometimes you find your passions have opened up to something else… it’s interesting
I had no idea I needed such a break, Kelliann. It wasn’t until I actually started again that I realized I missed it. I think taking a break from things is a must sometimes.
Thank you for such a nice compliment!
Wow, I love those! And that first one has so much texture and depth to it. Beautiful. Yep, I’ve done it on a much less significant scale.
Now that I can actually sit without my anxiety keeping me moving around all of the time, it’s really enjoyable. Maybe that was part of my problem back in December. Hmm. Just thought of that.
Your paintings are gorgeous! You have such an eye for art and beauty.
I was spoiled rotten by my parents so it is very easy for me to quit and take an easier route. If I don’t want to do something then I don’t! I actually have to work very hard not to quit. Passion and desire are the only things that keep me moving forward.
Jenn, I think that can be a good thing. You don’t want to force something. I mean, it’s different if a person would say, ‘I don’t think I want to go to work today’ or, ‘I don’t feel like paying my car insurance anymore’. Things we do for ourselves have to be enjoyable.
First, I think your paintings are wonderful and beautiful and SO you! I wish, again, that you lived closer to me because I know you could help me with my space!
Strangely, I often feel this way about school. I love school and I intend to continue my education forever – but the summer is always exactly the complete break I need. I come back refreshed, ready to write and prepare presentations and paper submittals! I feel guilty all summer long but do NOTHING – but the second the third week of August hits, I’m suddenly motivated and ready to go!
Laura, this is your way of recharging – I’m convinced of this. It’s hard to suddenly feel like you’re doing nothing when you’ve been so busy for so many months, but we all need that time to just unplug! I just happened to be unplugged for 7 months because I forgot where my outlet was (ooh, bad analogy, I know, but you get my point) lol
I wish we lived closer, too! You will find a way to make that space yours, though
Excellent post, Ellen. I think you’re absolutely right. If something you did for fun no longer seems fun, if it starts to seem like a job, then maybe it’s time to back away for a bit, rediscover it on your own terms. Good advice.
You know Greg, the thing is – I have used art as an outlet since I was a child. It kind of spooked me a bit when, after over 30 years it was like a switch had been shut off. I wondered if I would have a hard time identifying myself through other means, but it was exactly what I needed. I stopped being afraid of maybe no longer needing it. Gotta say though, I’m grateful to have it come back. I’m feeling recharged, and that’s such a good thing.
First, my expert opinion: HOLY SHIT! I love autumn woods! And that is a stark departure from my usual comment “BLAH! What a load of crap. My DOG could have licked a painting better than that!”
Yes, I am crass.
Ellen, I drive my husband crazy with my creative jags. I am all in then suddenly all out then suddenly all in again. I love guitar, piano, knitting, writing, sewing. I am not particular amazing at any of those, but I love them and do them obsessively and then BLAH! I do not want to even see needles! I wish I could control it.
I love that you spontaneously picked it up. You did what made you feel good. I hate when people use that term, but here it applies well, You did something you love at your own will and pace and truly loved it (without harming anyone – including yourself).
I think it is happy Ellen tippy toeing into the stilled waters of happiness and contentment again.
Oh here I find myself jumping up and down in my seat in happiness for you!
That reminds me. I need to go exercise. A distinct non passion.
I’ve always wanted to learn guitar, and I did take piano lessons when I was 16 but I could never get my right hand to do something different that what my left hand was doing – so frustrating!!
Knitting? I’d love to see some of the things you’ve made. Maybe you can lay them out on your painted furniture (hint-hint)…..you didn’t post on that and I missed it, did I?? Just checking
…and thank you for the ‘Holy Shit’. That’s quite a compliment
I mentioned the furniture painting? My. I hope I was not complimenting myself. If so, I am a damn liar. I will post a pic of it. Not as a post though. As an incidental! Frightful.
Maybe in a knitted thingy.
Have you ever lost your passion for something or felt the need to take a break from it?
Yes (and not just “passions” but anything that is intense…although I guess that’s what passions are, right? Intense?? LOL)
Did you ever find your way back to it, or did your time away lead you to something completely different?
Both. And I found myself renewed and full of creative energy and being able to bring something new to whatever it is…something I never would have been able to see or find if I hadn’t taken a break.
By the way, are any of these paintings for sale? And yes, I really mean it.
Karen, you have very much made my weekend with such a comment. I am very flattered and grateful for the inquisition. One of the paintings is spoken for but one is not. The buyer hasn’t decided which one, though so for now I’m keeping both paintings hanging on my wall until she makes up her mind. If you are still interested when the one is picked up, I’d be happy to send you some more detailed photos so you can get a better look at it.
Thank you for sharing your insight on this topic. I feel the same way as you; that I’m now bringing something new to the craft that I didn’t have before. No longer am I afraid to leave things be for a while. This was the kind of proof I needed that if it was meant to be, I’d come back to it.
Absolutely lovely paintings–both on their own merit and as part of the story of How Ellen Got Her Groove Back.
I’m in the December place with writing fiction. I know it will come back someday, and I’ll welcome it. (The sitting up at 2 a.m. searching for the perfect adjective, not so much.
)
I love that!! ‘How Ellen got her Groove Back!’ That explains me to a T.
Cammy, have you ever shared any excerpts from your works of fiction? Do you dare? I would love nothing more than to read some of your work, but I don’t know the first thing about sharing such things in an open forum. Some ideas need protecting. For example, I wrote a children’s story that I’d love to put on my blog just for fun (I don’t think I’d ever get someone to publish it) but still, I’d hate to see someone run with a piece of it and make it a best seller…which would be just my luck!!
that series of paintings is so beautiful and moving. I love the first one you showed best though. Do you ever sell prints of your paintings? hint, hint…
And oh, the passions question… my answer would be too long, but yes, yes and no and yes and sometimes. That’s a deep one for me.
I loved your answer, Teresa. Direct and straight to the point! lol
I usually take detailed photos of my paintings, and lately have started using them for greeting cards when I don’t have one handy to send out to someone. I will keep you in mind. You don’t have a birthday coming up, do you? hint-hint!! lol
Gorgeous paintings!
Thank you, Miss Cara! I hope you are having a great summer so far. Still reading in both of those weddings? You haven’t committed to doing a third one, have you?:
Still just the two… one of which happens on the 30th of this month :>
First I must say the paintings are beautiful – you are so talented! I enjoyed reading how your processed your way through this.
I do fall in and out of certain things. Sometimes I just need to take a break. This even happens with creative cooking for me. I will go for a long time being super creative in the kitchen, trying new recipes, buying new foods to try and then wham! I can’t even think of what to fix for a simple lunch. Why does this happen? I have no idea. Sometimes I just need to take a break, recharge and I come back around to the creative side of things again.
I am starting to learn that this is just a part of the creative process. It just cannot be forced – or, it can I suppose, but it won’t be nearly as fulfilling. Walking away and taking a breather is just what I needed. I’d never done that before in my life; I’d just assumed that I’d always be creative in that way. A very good life lesson for me. Thank you for sharing your insight on this, Tami. It’s hard to believe you ever having a mental block in the kitchen. It’s so much a part of you! I do understand where you’re coming from, and am glad I’m not the only one who does this at times.
I’m glad to see you painting again. I always get compliments on the one you did for me a few years ago. I am in love with these paintings too……if you put them away somewhere consider letting me buy one!
Ellen, your paintings are beautiful!!! Such talent!
I have had two serious hobbies in my life and both have been abandoned. I’m not sure I’ll ever return to them although I hope so someday. One is crocheting and the other is scrapbooking. I don’t miss crocheting so much, but scrapbooking is really fun. I have so many supplies and the perfect space for my craft but I have no motivation to do it.
These lost hobbies worry me sometimes. I worry that running will be one added to the list someday. I truly hope not, but I know how I am with going gangbusters with something and then quitting. It’s seriously annoying. Good for you for picking up the paintbrushes again!
I have heard so many good things about scrapbooking, Lori. It’s hugely popular around here. I don’t scrapbook, but I am addicted to scrapbook paper. The textures – especially the ones that look really old and worn – I love those, and keep thinking ‘decoupage!!’ I must have hundreds of pages that I’ve bought over the years.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this topic. I don’t see you having anything to worry about regarding your running. You look way too happy. If you ever do think the joy is leaving you, just know it may not be forever.
you have amazing talent. they are so beautiful (and would look great in my house!!)
lol!! Thank you, Kristen. You’re so funny.
Excellent paintings and i’m delighted that you went back to them. I can’t believe it’s been so long since that last post about those paintings! Wow, doesn’t time fly!
Tim, you’ve been with me practically from the beginning of my blog, I think. You know, I do the exact same thing when you post about something that happened some time ago and wrote about it. I always think, ‘I remember that post!’
You’re right, time does fly. Too fast, sometimes!
Oh gosh, the paintings! They’re beautiful. I feel the same way with writing, I get wonderful ideas to add to this book I keep telling myself I must finish… but never open the word doc that contains the characters dying to be given life :-\, maybe I should do the same? You’ve given me something to think about! lol
Yetti, I really admire people who write. Sometimes I think that staring at a blank page is harder than staring at a blank canvas.
One thing I know for sure is that this type of creativity is not the same thing as say, exercising. When you exercise, it’s a GOOD thing to push yourself through even though you don’t like it while you’re doing it. With artistic creativity, trying to push out a painting or in your case, a paragraph can actually have a negative effect. I think the outcome is less satisfying that way. It should be something that flows from within. I certainly did NOT have that back in December. But now, I can honestly say that I feel revived. But I had to let it go and forget about it (which is why I put everything that reminded me of painting away in a box, out of sight).
Thank you for reading and for sharing your insight on this topic.
Love this post! You are incredibly talented! Do you sell your work? Seriously. What a cool set to display in your home. I love it! Love that you’re feeling more like “you” and love that you’ve gotten your desire back to paint again. Can’t wait to see more that you finish.