I’ve posted before about my struggles in being a Yes Girl. Doing things for others was an all-consuming task for me. If I was helping one person paint his/her bedroom in the morning and was asked to help another move in the afternoon, I’d say ‘Sure.’ If there was something going on in my life – if it was hectic or stressful, I couldn’t find it within me to say ‘enough’ because, in my mind, people wouldn’t like me. I carried on like this for years. I’d do my part of being a good friend, never taking into consideration that I might need something in return.
When I was in my early thirties I remember my sister saying to me, ‘Ellen, you just need to learn to say No to people. If they don’t want to hear it or if their opinion of you changes because of it, that’s their problem, not yours.’ That is probably the best advice she’s ever given me.
Jeannie is ten years older than I. When she first gave me this piece of advice she was the same age that I am now. Back then I couldn’t imagine saying no to anyone for any reason. I refused to give that idea any thought whatsoever because it was so foreign to me. Now, at 41, I can honestly say that times, they are a changin’. I don’t feel the need to make people like me anymore. I’ve learned to accept me on my terms, not by someone else’s. I’m free from the idea that my life isn’t as important as those around me, and I’m free (for the most part) of the guilt that has attached itself to these unhealthy thoughts.
I’ve always envied the fact that the men in my life seem to have a better handle on this kind of thing than I do. They seem to have a kind of self-confidence that many women struggle with. I thought of this recently when I recalled something my father once said to me. He’s been gone now for 13 years, but the memory came to me the other night as I was trying to fall asleep. Always remember that you teach people how to treat you. He’d be proud of the fact that I finally got it, even if it didn’t happen overnight.
1. First, I had to take responsibility for myself and my actions. I had to decide how I wanted to be treated.
2. Second, I realized why I couldn’t say no to people: because it made me feel guilty. I was allowing myself to be taken advantage of because I couldn’t deal with the guilt I’d feel if I stood up for myself.
3. Lastly – and this was the big hurdle: I had to begin standing up for myself. This is a constant work in progress because by nature, I’m a nurturer. People don’t like change, especially when they are no longer benefitting from it.
It’s no doubt that age brings unwanted baggage with it: you get aches that weren’t there before; gravity slowly becomes your enemy, and you start squinting a bit more when reading the fine print on that bottle of Aleve you now have to keep with you wherever you go. But I can say one thing that’s come with age which has brought me a deep level of satisfaction: the people pleaser is retiring.
all that you describe you had to do in setting boundaries with other people, I had to do too. And I discovered that most of my ‘yes’ was to keep myself very, very busy so that I had no time to deal with my own ‘stuff’. It was all an excuse.
And, speaking for myself only, all that you describe you had to learn in dealing with others, applies to me dealing with myself too. Deciding how to treat myself, telling myself no, standing up for myself to myself.
good post
Sometimes we are our own worst enemy. Especially in this case. It certainly applies to me. The moment I realized that I had the power to make changes in my life – that I wasn’t bound by circumstance – this sense of calm came over me – it was immediate reinforcement, and was enough to make me pay attention to what I needed from this life.
Wonderful phrase: standing up for myself TO myself. Thanks, Vickie.
I think so many of us who struggle with weight have this problem. I still struggle, but am getting better about saying “no” and also for standing up for myself. I think by saying “yes” all the time, I was able to feel better about myself as an overweight person. We do carry a lot of shame when we’re carrying all of our extra weight, and by being at everyone’s beck and call, we feel more worthy. I’m glad you are dealing with this. It is so important!
Jane, I completely agree. Self-esteem plays a huge part in overcoming this problem area. I’ve been maintaining for years but am just NOW starting to ‘get it’. It does take work, and so many people (me) don’t like confrontation so it’s easy to just be appeasing and say yes all of the time. But like everything else, with practice, it gets easier. Thank you for the great comment
Congratulations!! It is interesting how many people who have struggled with weight have also struggled with being a “yes” girl, too. Have you found that in your reading/experience as well?
I love love LOVE your sister’s quote about teaching people how to treat you. One thing I’ve noticed is that this is always the case when I’m conforming to a certain way of eating and I’m trying to get people not to offer (or push on me) food that is not on my plan. I find that so long as they see me consistently not eating that way, and if they offer it to me and I consistently say “No, thank you, you know I choose not to eat that”, they stop offering and/or pushing it. It’s only when someone sees me taking “a little bite” of this or that, or saying it’s a special occassion so OK, just this once, that they get really pushy and even offended if I don’t take their food, too. That hasn’t happened in a very long time, but I remember wondering why people didn’t take my eating choices seriously back then–it was because I taught them how to treat me! I showed them, “Hey, I’m not taking this too seriously, so you don’t have to, either.” Now that I do take my way of eating seriously, and everyone around me sees that, I’ve taught them to know better than to waste their time offering me donuts and candy.
This is a PERFECT example of teaching others how to treat you. Thank you for sharing this story. It makes life so much easier when people are respectful enough to cooperate and work with you and not against you. Why is ‘live and let live’ so difficult for some people to grasp?
Good for you! And your dad was a wise man:) I still worry about people liking me and what they think of me, but I am better at saying “no” than I used to be. BTW – I see your post title today… I’d noticed before that they didn’t show on the page with this new theme.
Good for you, Ellen! A huge step of progress. Could it be that as you work through this, it may ease the anxiety issues at the same time? Pressure brings anxiety and eliminating the pressure to say “yes” might help. I, too, loved your sister’s advice.
This is so great, Ellen. It will be uncomfortable for a while, but then it gets easier. For me, the truth was, people didn’t even have to ask me – I’d just jump right in and do things for them that they were capable of doing for themselves. Bick told me something that has stuck with me “I’ve never seen anyone run to jump in front of a bullet faster than you”. My own worst enemy. Moving away from, retiring from all the self-appointed “jobs” I had was some of the hardest but most rewarding work I’ve ever done. And as a major result? My anxiety level is far, far lower than it used to be.
As always, you continue to inspire.
I was the type of person to offer help before I was even asked. People started to expect it from me. As I lost weight and became a more confident me- I became a bit more selfish- not in a bad way- in a way where I came first. I realized I needed to help me first- and then I could help others without feeling the resentment that often followed. I LOVE to help others. I just know when to say no now. I don’t feel like I am being judged anymore. I know I am a kind, good person. I will help if I can! I don’t like letting people down- that will never change. What has changed is how I feel about me when I do need to say no.
Really good post. Thought provoking. I am like Jill. I offer before it is requested! Someone has a need or a problem? What can I do? Oh… you could MYOB.
Sometimes the good will hoovers of the world do not take kindly when you start recentering on what is good for you FIRST. Indeed… you DO teach people how to treat you. I like to create my own havok. I want to undo that.
This post reminds me so much of my sister. She is by far a people pleaser. I am also (to an extent). I certainly like to go with the flow, hate conflict, and it’s just easier to say “yes”. My Mom gave me the advice that I should always tell someone that I’ll think about it. Never say “yes” or “no” even if you truly want to do it. Take time to check your calendar, to think about if you truly want to do something, then get back to the person with your answer. I love that the “people pleaser is retiring”.
What great growth!
YAY you Ellen!!!!!! You Dad sounds like he was a wise man, and I’m sure he’s shining down on you proud as punch for the woman you’ve become!!!! Have a great day!!!
What I love about your blog is that I always feel like I have left having learnt something. The advice you were given from both your sister and your father is something I will also take on board and hope it plays a big role in my life too.
I’m a people pleaser, too, but age is certainly bringing the wisdom that it’s ok to say no. Well, that it’s MORE than okay–sometimes it’s the best answer for everyone.
I’m good at saying no in my personal life (as in, no, I’m not going to go on that date) but really horrible at saying no when it comes to work and school. I’d like to switch that around a bit – be more adventurous personally and put a little less on my plate professionally!
Good on you, Ellen. I find it hard to say no to people as well, for much the same reasons as you’ve described. It’s probably the same reason I let my last employer milk every unpaid overtime hour out of me that they possibly could. It took getting laid off to get me over that.
These days, there are still some people who I’ll do almost anything for, but even they’ll get some noes now and then, and they’re fine with that. Like you said, anyone who’s upset that you need time for yourself isn’t worth that time.
Yeah!! I was going to say (before I got to the end), that it’s one of the great secret benefits of being in the “over 40 club” that no one tells you about, or if they do, we don’t get it or hear or something LOL. And I just saw a quote the other day that sort of expands on the one you included: “When someone says ‘You’ve changed,’ it simply means you stopped living your life their way.”
You GO, girl! You’re a shining inspiration!
Excellent post – I think I’m pretty decent about standing up for my “rights” but I ought to forward this to my mom
I am also just learning this and it’s freeing so many areas of my life. Amazing!
No joke Ellen I read your posts and I think that you are me in another body, country. and time… I just said to Pinky about 2 weeks ago that I will stop saying yes to everything people ask of me and have more of an option on how I want things to be. I have to learn that its ok to so no sometimes. The world wont stop spinning if I refuse to submit to one request. Good for you for doing the same