As I was waiting – ever so patiently mind you, for my blog’s server to summon their little elves on the issues surrounding why my post for the day wasn’t loading, I decided to peruse some of the other blogs I’m trying to get back into the habit of visiting on a regular basis. I happened to begin over at MunchBerry’s place and read her post as she described her relationship with food. She very matter-of-factly wrote her thoughts on what a binge consisted of for her; she dug around, got her hands dirty and came face to face with her relationship with food by intimately describing it.
Somewhere I started realizing something. I always seem to gloss over my discussions on this topic with words like ‘emotional eating’ or ‘binge eater’ I thought. But have I ever written about what it feels like? Could I put into words why I do it?
And so, began a train of thought that has led me to writing my own post on this subject – one that I do not enjoy discussing but feel the need to, if for no other reason, than to share a completely different perspective on a very familiar topic.
When I was 16, I had the unfortunate introduction and subsequent lifelong relationship with endometriosis. The pain would seem to worsen at times, and I’d find myself huddled on the bathroom floor against the cool porcelain of the toilet, while I moaned in agony, many times, for hours. There came a point during my junior year in high school where the pain was so debilitating, I’d begin scratching my legs with my fingernails – leaving bright red and sometimes bloody lines behind in the process. I would do this during bouts of pain many times in my teens, but for some reason I recall that particular night like it was yesterday. It was as if I were looking at myself through someone else’s eyes. The body is constantly trying to find ways to cope when under pressure. It’s capable of doing many things when it’s pushed beyond it’s limit.
I scratched myself because I was desperate for some relief from the pain. I’d found a detour that would allow my mind to focus on something else – to feel something else, even for a while.
My reasons for binging bring on a similar effect. Unlike MunchBerry, I do eat until I am uncomfortable; half-sick; miserable even – depending on what kind of pain it is that I need a release from. Some people do not understand this concept even when I try to explain it to them. ‘Why would anyone deliberately want to make themselves feel miserable?’ they ask. This is my answer:
Even though I’m left feeling physically miserable, my mind is relishing a release from worry, anxiety, or obsessive thoughts. In the moment, the only thing I can focus on is the physical sensation of being uncomfortably full. The stress, the anxiety, the emotional pain is no longer a priority.
Another alluring thing about this act of self-medicating is that it gives me a two-for-one bonus. Not only do I get to experience redirection (that feeling of unpleasantness) but I also get the high and pleasure from eating my comfort-foods of choice. In that moment of desperation, it’s a win-win situation.
Until the food digests.
And the scale exposes my secret.
I suppose I’m writing this now, because for the past few months as you have read, my anxiety has worsened. The little relief I’ve had has left me exhausted and frustrated. I don’t know what ‘normal’ is anymore, but I know that I miss it. And when I have a day that has been too overwhelming, too tiring, or just too hard to cope with, I find myself fantasizing about going into that new bakery down the street and buying one of everything in the case, taking my stash home, and just like that 16 year old girl on the bathroom floor, redirect that pain for a while.
I consider myself a pretty strong individual. I’ve had a life of joy, but a lot of suffering has taken up residence in this body as well. Somewhere amidst the strong, supportive you-can-always-count-on-me person lies a woman who’s shoulders eventually bear too much weight; little things add up, and it’s then that I feel the urge hit like a bolt of lightning. This ‘thing’, that while under normal circumstances would feel like something I have no desire to do, slowly becomes a need that grows.
Being in maintenance you’d suspect that I’ve found a way to keep that animal at bay. I wish I could say that I never have episodes like that anymore but I’d be lying. To be completely truthful here, if I had to guess, I’d say that on average I carry through with a binge like the one above 2 or 3 times per year. If these new meds do not work, you will find me going back to therapy for the second time in my life. Not for food-related issues, but for anxiety. This is the root of my problem. I’m confident that once I get control of that, I’ll no longer feel the need to self-medicate.
At any rate, I’m grateful for reading MunchBerry’s post on that particular day. That’s the great thing about you bloggers out there. Here you are typing away, describing your own experiences – working things through in your own mind and then out of nowhere - a quote, a sentence, or a paragraph sparks a moment of clarity in a reader’s life. I’ve seen it happen over and over again. You didn’t know that you pay it forward, I bet. Did you?
Have a good weekend everyone, and for all of my US readers, Happy Fourth of July Weekend. Do something summery and fun. I promise to write some lighter fare next week.
Regarding whether it’s “deliberately wanting” to overeat beyond the point of being uncomfortable, I think it’s more like a train — once it gets going, it just doesn’t stop until it can’t go any further. It’s deliberate conduct – yes. But it’s not intentional — I think it’s more unconscious. In those moments, it’s not about the food, it’s about the emotions.
And regarding therapy and meds. You said you’ll go back to therapy if the meds don’t work. I’d suggest you get back into therapy whether the meds work or not. The meds can help with symptoms so that you can actually deal with the deep issues in therapy. Stopping at alleviating the symptoms with medication is just surface-level. Dig deep — you’ll never regret it.
Way ahead of you, Michele. I actually requested to go to therapy several weeks ago when the last round of meds didn’t work. Insurance is uncooperative right now and I have to follow one step before getting the final ‘go ahead’ to see a professional. I wish these companies would recognize mental health as important as physical health.
Your own honesty today will likely do this exact thing… spark someone else. Thank you for sharing.
Trying to ignore it doesn’t seem to be working, so the blog gets dumped on yet once again! lol
As always, Ellen, spot on. As I have shared with you and others, I’m anxiety-driven as well. For me, a binge would come about to fill what felt like a big, gaping hole in my chest. There was some physical drive/discomfort that needed medicating or soothing. My work in this area has been to reduce the amount of anxiety-triggers but actively reducing the number of things I THOUGHT I was responsible for. And on the other side, to find a different, less destructive way to deal with the anxiety.
I know your post will help other’s identify. Spark, indeed.
Roxie, you commented once that you had some coping strategies for anxiety. I’d love any links, books or other that you think I might find helpful. When you get back from your trip maybe we can chat about it, if you have time?
I recently found Munchberry’s blog and I just absolutely love it. I’m glad you’ve discovered her too!
I completely relate to this. I don’t have any diagnosed anxiety/depressive/mood disorders but I have always been an anxious person (which I attribute to growing up poor: it’s hard NOT to develop some anxious tendencies when you grow up in an environment wherein you don’t know if the electricity and heat will be on when you get home, etc) and while on the surface I *look* perfectly healthy and fit and happy, my last binge was only a few months ago. Food is the easiest substance with which to self-medicate, I think… it doesn’t carry the stigma of alcohol (although binging in excess does incite the stigma of excess weight — but for me and many others, *occasional* binging doesn’t make much of an impact), it’s not drugs or illegal, it’s ALWAYS available.
Thank you for making me focus on this more. I do need to resolve these issues once and for all.
Sable, I think our childhood plays such an integral part in how we turn out as adults. Things that we carry with us all our lives tend to seep out in other ways (for me, food obviously). I’m convinced that finding the reasons why we do these things are a huge first step in gaining the control back. Thank you for sharing this story with me.
Thanks for being so open and honest today. That was a powerful post. You are appreciated and admired!
Wow this is deep and I can definitely relate as far as anxiety is concern, I get so overwhelmed sometimes I feel like its at the point where its almost debilitating. I hope whatever you try works for you. Thanks for sharing!
not all companies are difficult about therapy. We have been with the same company both times I have entered therapy. The person on the other end of the phone couldn’t have been more cooperative (both times, different people) if she had flown in and driven me to the appt.
I see a therapist and a psychyatrist (I personally think ONLY a psychiastrist should be directing medications) and their staff members are truly gems also.
kuddos to you on this post. you did an excellent job of getting it all out/down in a very understandable format.
posts like this can be a real asset in therapy (I read them to my therapist). I don’t read the ‘lighter fare’, just these types of posts.
Well, I’m grateful that it was understandable. Sometimes I just sit here trying to make sense of it all in my head and feel like I’m getting nowhere. And in this case especially, I agree that a psychiatrist would be better at handling my situation since it’s NOT just a physical problem.
Wow. I feel like this post put MY feelings into words. I’m an anxiety person too, and food has always been my drug of choice. Personally, I think this depression/anxiety problem is genetic, just like red hair and wide feet—it’s not a weakness or just something we can talk ourselves out of. (I’m sure you’ve had people tell you to just stop thinking “that way” or to “just snap out of it,” too.) I dream of the day when the stigma is lifted from this issue, and asking for/receiving help is seen in the same light as going to the doctor for a cold or sinus infection.
Brenda, I’m grateful that this post called out to you in some way. Anxiety and food issues aren’t discussed as much because I think some people don’t realize ‘why’ they eat the way they do. They just attribute it to being hungry, or obsessed about food, when there’s something completely different going on.
My mother’s side of the family is riddled with mental health issues, so it’s no wonder I have them as well. Most family members get it, but those who were lucky enough to escape from having it still do not understand the complexity of it. Thank you so much for your comment on this topic.
Very thought provoking post. My husband and I just this morning were discussing our children and how they inherited the tendency toward perfectionism, anxiety and depression. It’s a shame we pass on things like that. I wish I had been able to give them a gift I have and apparently got from my Mother — no headaches. Yep, never a headache in 63 years and she didn’t have one in 71 years.
Hi, Caron
Yes, the genetics play such a big part, don’t they? My mom’s side of the family has many issues like anxiety, depression, bi-polar, etc. I think the odds were against me.
I’ve never met a person that has never had a headache before. Wow! Good for you
You know I have the very same issues…so hugs. And I concur with Brenda…no one says “snap out it” to someone with pneumonia!
I know that by writing about it and helping yourself (and your readers) you will get clarity.
Oh! And something just occurred to me. I know you are about 10 years younger than I am (and if you can get relief earlier, then great), but one thing I have noticed is that my anxiety fluctuates with my cycle and that using progesterone cream helps significantly. It’s something you may want to talk with your doctor about!
Thank you so much for mentioning this, Karen. I will ask my doc about it. Without a shadow of a doubt, it gets worse with my cycle – what becomes at least tolerable becomes an all out war, of sorts.
XO
I can relate to your issues completely. I also had self-harm issues but I was driven to it not by physical pain but by emotional pain when I was growing up. There was so much pain inside me and it seemed that I was invisible and that no one could see how much I was hurting so I would cut myself and eat myself into oblivion to find some needed release. It was a self-destructive path and though it has been quite a while since I’ve cut, I still have issues with eating until I feel ill. As a gastric bypass patient is it easier to eat to illness than it was before. Thankfully, the damage doesn’t show much on the scale but still I worry that I will be a statistic and will regain all my weight if I don’t get my anxiety and stress under control. It is the cross I bear daily and hopefully both of us can come to terms with our issues and come out stronger on the other side,
I relate to this Karen, and thank you so much for sharing it here with me. I was actually thinking about how cutting must fall into this line of behavior as well, as I was writing it. I had a friend who cut and didn’t know she had any issues (this was high school, so in retrospect, I’m sure she had plenty). You’ve just verified this and I appreciate the connection.
I have a constant fear about regaining as well – because of this issue. The only thing we can do is be proactive about it and be responsible: when we know it’s getting to be too much – get help!
Ellen, there is so much “stuff” in this post that applies to me, I wouldn’t know where to start with a comment. So just know you’ve hit a tender spot and again, we have more in common than I’d realized. Please continue to be upfront with these issues so we can offer support and encouragement.
I’m sorry to hear that, Sharon (truly I am. This is one of those things you wish you didn’t share with anyone) but now that I know we do, don’t ever hesitate to chat if you need to (or if you’ve found something that works).
XOXO
I’ve found that my most unhealthy eating habits arise when I am the most stressed – and I agree with you completely – for me, it’s like I create something new for me to stress/worry about to divert my stress and anxiety about the REAL cause. I’m working to recognize and treat the cause, not create new blanket stressors – but it’s something that I’m going to have to do (and remember) one day at a time!
I think above all else that is exactly key, Laura. Taking it one day at a time and if one can do it without the need for meds (something I’ve been fighting tooth and nail for a long time) then that is fantastic. Everyone gets stressed, I know. But when food is introduced as part of the solution, that’s when we need to take notice.
This is so beautifully written. I understand and relate to so much of what you say. I really feel like my food related problems are self-medicating for anxiety too. I don’t think my anxiety is nearly as critical as yours, and still it can be debilitating.
And to have had the kind of pain you did…. As strong a person as I believe myself to be, I don’t know if I could rise to the occasion of chronic pain.
I do find my overeating to be desire for numbness, to quiet the angst…
I’m so incredibly impressed with how much you’ve resisted that “comfort” because I know how real it is for that short time.
big, big hugs to you!!
Teresa, you are very, very kind. I think we all have our ways of coping with difficult things – our bodies don’t like pain, whether it be emotional or physical – and try to get rid of it in various ways. I’m sorry that you have these issues as well. I wish I knew what the answer was, but hopefully I will find out and then can at least share it with you. We’ll find that inner peace…or at least quiet it down.
I just happened to come across this article and thought it might be helpful (http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-mindful-self-express/201106/the-six-best-ways-decrease-your-anxiety)
Usually I find these “tips”-type articles to be a bunch of blah blah blah but I have found these to be useful in the past. But I can only say it in hindsight…in the moment, I probably would have rolled my eyes at them.
Just finished reading these tips. All are very good – especially the one about practicing certain techniques BEFORE one needs them. That’s something worth remembering. Thank you, Karen.
I’ve never been an anxious eater. I’ve had my share of anxiety, but eating wasn’t my outlet. For me it’s always been a pleasure thing. Eating is pleasurable, and therefore I eat more. My escapism was to go to my room and play video games (rather than be active, which of course with eating made me bigger).
I hope that you get your insurance stuff sorted, Ellen, and that you can find something to ease your anxiety.
Well, let me tell you that eating for pleasure is much more fun! lol
Everyone has their ways of coping and escaping – my husband goes to the computer and surfs the Net in order to ‘unplug’ from the day. He likes video games too, especially when work has been particularly frustrating.
Wow this was very insightful! Your raw honesty will go a long way in helping others to not feel alone.
I hope you get the help you are looking for and can one day feel relieved of this struggle with pain, food and how to cope.
We all have our issues to deal with.
I am so glad I decided to consort with my online friends today. Not only is there comfort in communion, but I learn.
I wonder if (sometimes) our binging while anxious is something akin to people who self harm. Like cutting. You get to release pain or anxiety. Sometimes I overeat or binge because I am piggy, but there is a distinct “other” feeling to some binges. You know what I mean. A different intention. zI guess the question has to be what is our short and long term plan to diffuse anxiety before it gets out of control. What do we do once it gets to too much – outside of blunting the feeling with food. Maybe it is meds and therapy. Maybe others can find a different way. redirecting to exercise?? I wish. But I KNOW there are lots of different ways to deal with it and I want to hear all of them. One day I will hit on an alternate! You will too. If they hit on a med that works, never forget to get an answer what the long term plan is. I mean is there a medication end date and what are we doing to get there. That way you are in control and have a cooperative plan with your physician.
Speaking of control. My sister (who battles anorexia) restricts or gets very firm with herself when she has anxiety or she feels out of control of her life or a meaningful thing in her life. She stops eating so she has one area of her life that she can demonstrate control. It is a weird dichotomy.
Anxiety and depression are extremely common within my family. I was one of the lucky ones to get both. Depression when I was younger. Anxiety now that I’m older. Not sure which is worse. Thank you for the advice on asking for a long-term plan. That’s one area I’d be sure to forget about.
So sorry to hear about your sister. It’s amazing how we can have such different problems but find similar ways of coping, just the same.
The more I hang around the weight-o-sphere, the more convinced I am that (most, but not all) people who are extremely overweight have gotten to this point due to emotional issues (abuse, both psychological and physical; trauma; mistreatment; etc. etc.). That is why I have serious reservations about dieting as a solution to overweight because dieting does nothing to successfully address the deep, psychological issues. Even maintainers such as yourself are in a constant battle to control the demons that drive you to overeat. I get the impression that years after the weight was lost, many “successful” losers still feel they are walking a tightrope and could fall off at any time.
Weight is not the enemy in such cases, it is the *symptom* of tremendous anguish. It’s the anguish and anxiety that must be dealt with in order to regain psychological health. Will the weight then come off and stay off easily? Probably not for most people. That’s the physiological part of the problem and so far, there is no tenable, long-lasting solution. That’s why for me, psychological and physical health are far more important than the number on the scale. And both can be attained and maintained without necessarily reaching an arbitrary number.
I realize that my opinion is not appreciated on weight loss blogs, but I know that you’re an open-minded, kind and thoughtful person, Ellen, and that you won’t mind me putting in my heretical two-cents’ worth!
Be well. You deserve it!
I always, always welcome different perspectives. Sometimes I’m so neck-deep in what it is I’m engaged in, I’ll be the first to admit that I may not be seeing the full picture. Plus, I always appreciate the questions/observations that responds just as well to answers or even other questions. This kind of banter keeps the topic going and eventually, I think everyone ends up learning something they didn’t know.
And your opinion on psychological and physical health being more important than the scale? I agree with you wholeheartedly. The body has to work as a UNIT in order to be in it’s best form. When one part carries another, the imbalance can be devastating.
Thank you for commenting on this topic.
What a wonderfully honest post! I am glad I found you and look forward to more.
Thank you for stopping by, Sheri. We cross paths over at Lynn’s blog, I think. I always appreciate your kind words to her and thoughtful comments. Your comment here is much appreciated
What an amazing (and raw) post. Thank you for being so honest and for opening up. I’m so sorry you’ve suffered from endometriosis. One more thing we have in common. I would always miss one day of school each month due to the pain being so bad, I couldn’t get out of bed. Still praying that these new meds work for you and give you the relief you need.
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This post is honest and powerful. Sending a BIG hug your way!!!!!
This is precisely why I find blogging so valuable in my journey to wellness. We do pay it forward and we learn so much from one another.
I binge much less frequently these days (Intuitive Eating really is working for me), but it still happens, albeit on a much smaller scale, from time to time. I know that I will get better at this, but will never be perfect.