Nervous as a cat in a room full of rocking chairs. On pins and needles. Climbing the wall. Butterflies in the stomach.
If you’ve ever felt anxious before, you’ve probably heard at least one of these sayings. Most everyone has some form of anxiety over certain situations, such as the feeling you get before a job interview, before going on a blind date or while on a rollercoaster. One definition of anxiety describes it as a state of uneasiness and apprehension as it relates to future events. Sometimes we become jittery, have trouble concentrating or feel like we have knots or butterflies in the stomach.
Normal amounts of anxiety can be an asset when we come face to face with danger; it helps us to perform our best under pressure. For some people, like me, anxiety has a negative effect. There are times when I continue to feel anxious even when I logically know that the situation is not appropriate for the high amount of concern I have. It can lead to an overwhelming, exhausting and sometimes paralyzing existence.
I don’t know many people who actually enjoy talking about their ‘issues’. Growing up in my family, a concrete physical problem that you could actually lay your eyes on, like a broken leg, was open for discussion. However, problems that you couldn’t see such as bi-polar disorder, eating disorders, depression, or anxiety disorders were not talked about. If you were depressed, you just needed to peel yourself out of that bed and go take a walk. Why, that’d fix you right up. I don’t consider these topics as taboo. Everyone has issues – everyone. Some are just better at hiding their issues than others. Today, you’re going to meet a side of me that I’ve never written about: living and dealing with anxiety.
Anxiety disorder was my worst nightmare when I was heavy. If there was a planned event in my future and it happened to be something that I had reservations about, my first reaction was to ease the stress of the upcoming event.
Food is and has always been my personal form of medication.
To relieve my stress or anxiety over what the event was, I’d eat. And eat. Controlling this type of anxiety is especially difficult because if that energy isn’t expended with what I know will bring me immediate comfort (food) then I become even more anxious and obsess over the event; then the cycle worsens.
Common things that trigger this kind of anxiety: stepping outside my comfort zone. This is one of the reasons why it’s hard for me to challenge myself with new things; my anxiety gets in the way. Thankfully, I have enough insight to know that I must continue asserting myself and confronting my fears so I don’t become a stunted human being. Still, it’ll always be a task that I wrestle with.
When I am at my worst, when my anxiety is at it’s most intense, it becomes a different animal entirely: I stop eating. My body treats food as an enemy and I physically cannot tolerate it. This happened last year when my husband’s mother became terminally ill and I lost my job within months of each other. My body all but shut itself down and I couldn’t eat without becoming ill. Episodes like this can last for several days and as a result, I’m apt to see major swings on the scale.
High volumes of stress or suffering from anxiety disorder not only affects my weight but other areas as well: my sleep pattern becomes erratic, I notice irregular heartbeats and have trouble concentrating. I also find it difficult to sit still.
I’ve always envied people who are able to thrive during stressful situations. I sit and watch, in awe of their cool composure and wonder why I can’t be more like them. Oh, I can fake it when I have to, but my body’s actions give me away every single time.
So, what’s a girl to do? Well, this girl has just about had her fill of trying to fix it by herself. This girl has finally thrown her hands in the air and is waving the little white flag.
Today, I am not anxious. I am not under stress. I am hopeful. I have started a new medication which I am hoping will reduce my anxiety and keep me from feeling like less of a…well, a – flake.
So if you will, allow me to raise my prescription bottle for a toast:
Here’s to new meds, breathing exercises, a long island iced tea every once in a while and as many vacations as the budget can handle.
And, here’s to leading a life where anxiety takes the backseat, and leaves the driving up to me for a change.
I do wish you the best as you move forward trying some new approaches. Feeling anxious is a rotten feeling, and you deserve to be able to bring it down to manageable levels. It won’t be about living free of it — because it’s a normal feeling, one that’s very important. It sends us messages… this is a good thing.
It’s levels that get us. Your mention of job interviews made me recoil in horror of my two-day job interviews including endless meet & greets with various groups of faculty, students, and administration, presentations, and individual meetings. By the end of the day, all I could do was WISH it were time to go back to the airport even though I have some mild flight anxiety. They weren’t enjoyable, but they did give me some valuable learning experiences.
I still cannot imagine you having to go through such a strenuous interview for two whole days. that takes nerves of steel, Michele (which you obviously have) and a lot of courage.
People who know me IRL prpobably have little idea that I suffer from anxiety. I have dealt with it for so long, I know the little tricks of the trade to hide it pretty well. It’s when it gets off the charts that I become flaky and forgetful….always my cue that it’s time for change.
Another amazingly honest post:)
As always, excellent insightful post. Good luck with the medication and my hope is that you experience no side effects which can cause MORE anxiety. I have some of the same tendencies except I’ve always called it excessive worry. Am still working to discover the root causes of my turning to food for comfort. You’ve come a long, long way in identifying the anxiety issues, giving it a name and seeking help for it. You’re in my thoughts – I hate new meds!
Excessive worry is another really good term. My mother has always been a chronic negative thinker and some of this may be learned behavior (in her mind the sky is always falling). It took me a long time to break free from that cycle of negative thinking but it still takes effort.
The new meds are so far, not my cup of tea, but I’m going to give it some time yet and see if the side effects goes away. Thanks for thinking of me as always, Sharon.
I have some anxiety issues, so I know whereof you speak. When my husband had his knee replaced, I got into an anxiety spiral. Like you, I didn’t eat, and the problem with that is…if you don’t eat, it makes it even more difficult to cope. Because your brain doesn’t work right when you don’t have enough nutrients.
I’m glad you have decided to get medical help. Sometimes medication can be a lifesaver. I personally am taking Welbutrin for depression (another one of my issues), and it has made a world of difference in my life. I’m saying a prayer that what you are taking will help you. Take care.
Grace, thank you so much for sharing your personal details on this topic. Not an easy subject for some people.
I was on Wellbutrin for years when in college and into my twenties. It was a lifesaver for me, too. My depression faded away when I got divorced (still find that funny) but the anxiety started rearing its ugly head a few years later. Both run rampant in my family. Thank you for reading today and I’m so glad that you’ve found meds that work well for you.
Thank you so much for sharing Ellen. I’m glad you’re seeking the help you need. It’s funny, I was just saying that if someone has a physical ailment, we don’t tell them to just “shake it off” or “get over it” or “fake it til you make it.” But that’s exactly what we expect to be able to do with emotional/mental ailments.
I, too, have a prescription that I turn to only when I think I really need it. Having it there makes all the difference in the world. I’ve also been reading a wonderful book called The Mindful Way Through Anxiety.
I have never heard of this book, Karen. I will have to look into that. It may help to give me a different perspective and not rely solely on meds (something I hate doing).
I wonder why it is that some people still see emotional/mental ailments as a sign of weakness when clearly it is not. You’d think we’d be beyond that stereotype by now.
Thanks for reading as always, Karen.
I hope things work out for you with the new medication, Ellen. Anxiety certainly isn’t fun to deal with. I can’t say that there’s a real pattern to the way I react to anxiety. There are times where I won’t eat much, but not many. I’ve never really been one for comfort eating, either, although I can certainly see how that can happen. Eating makes us feel good, so it becomes a tool to try and make ourselves feel better.
I wish you all the best, and thanks for sharing.
Thanks, Greg. I would imagine that you handle anxiety pretty fantastic or else you wouldn’t have the kind of job that you do. Deadlines can bring on loads of anxiety, especially when there’s lots of money at stake (one of the reasons why I backed out of a graphic design career).
My nephew has the same type of anxiety that I do, except he self-medicates by smoking. Some people drink. I should feel grateful that I don’t have either of those problems to contend with, I guess.
It is so refreshing to read the honesty in your post. I feel that the best way to help ourselves, as well as our readers, is to not be afraid to put ‘issues’ like this out there. One of the worst feelings is to think that we are alone in our suffering, which makes us feel even more insecure. I have suffered from anxiety in the past, so bad that I was ordered to the ER twice in one week for heart palpitations (before we knew it was an anxiety attack). I also spent many hours in bed, wishing the weekends away because I couldn’t leave my home due to paralyzing fears. Meds are what helped me become functional and I have since (over the course 5 years or so) been able to overcome my anxiety (for the most part) and live without taking meds.
I am so proud of you for being so honest and for taking control of the situation. You are amazing!
Lynn, thank you so much for sharing your experience with this. It really does help to know that we aren’t suffering alone. I’m so happy that you’ve been able to overcome your fears/anxiety without the use of meds. That’s simply fantastic. One of the things I greatly admire about you; your strength in so many areas of your life. XO
Great post!!! My sister suffers from general anxiety disorder and I’ve witnessed firsthand the effect it has on her — I’m so glad you’re giving meds a try & really hope they help!
I hope they help, too! I’m waiting for the morning when I wake up and feel like a weight has been lifted. Will definitely post about it when that happens. Until then, I’m managing
Bravo, Ellen! Cheers to an anxiety free future!
My husband used to suffer from anxiety issues. Not crippling, but it made being around a large group of people (like at the mall or store) very difficult. He started some medicine and therapy and has now learned to function well without either.
Have a great weekend!
Thank you for sharing your husband’s story, Jenn. I’m so hopeful in reading these stories of people who have learned to manage their stress without the use of meds. That makes me feel so much better – maybe this will be a temporary thing. Have a good weekend.
I don’t think you know how much this posts means to me – but I really appreciate your honesty and I love your attitude! Anxiety is something that my whole family knows intimately, and while different stages of life result in varying degrees of anxiety, we have all been there. It’s amazing how universal the use of food is as a coping mechanism and I’m glad that you’ve recognized it and are working to solve it.
Whether or not everyone understand, anxiety is real, and is a real medical condition. Just like diabetes requires medication, so does anxiety, and it take a lot of strenth to recognize that and ask for help.
You always know just what to say, Laura. Thank you. Anxiety and depression run rampant in my family as well. We all deal very differently in how we choose to tackle the problem. I tend to wait until I’m pretty much at the breaking point and then seek help. Stubborn. I have no issues with treatment; it’s the meds I don’t like – and the side effects. Still, I’m hopeful that this will do the trick. Will definitely post about it if it does.
Such a great post. I am on my second round of medication for anxiety disorder. I have really bad anxiet attacks. I had one last year that littlerally scared me to death. I thought I was having a heart attack with chest pains and such. I’m only 34 but rushed to the Dr to get an EKG done and thank goodness it was okay. They gave me something that didn’t work (so technically I’m on my 3rd round of medication) and so I was telling my chiropractor about it, so he prescribed me something that helped so much. Then couldn’t see him anymore and ran out of medication in January and thought I’d be fine. Just had to go back last week as the anxiety attacks were coming back and more frequent.
I can tell you I’ve been there and done that and actually still doing it. Hope you have a great weekend. I’ll have a virtual long island iced tea with ya!
Stacey, thank you for sharing this story with me. I’m so sorry that you have had to go through all of these issues. It is a horrible existence when things start spiraling out of control like that. I’ve never been one of those people who are afraid to leave their house but can certainly see how it could come to that if things got bad enough. Fear breeds fear.
I wish you ALL the best in your recovery and really appreciate you reading my post.
Congratulations on knowing when it is time for relief and then getting it. I am an anxious person too. As a child I was a tremendous worrier and when I mentioned it to my parents they answered it “You’ll find sympathy in the dictionary between Sh*t and Syphillis”. Crude, but to the point! So I never learned how to cope or sort it out… whatever you want to call it. I wonder, now that you are thin, what do you do instead of eating when you need to cope with regular stress? I culd use some advice on that. I worry about it! : )
Thank you for this story BTW
I had to laugh at your parents response. Sounds like something I would hear, although not quite that creative! lol
Your question about how I deal with stress when food is my drug of choice really got me to thinking. I wish I could say that I purposefully walk out of the kitchen and straight to the treadmill when I feel the weight of it, but that would be a lie. The truth is, when I was heavy, I coped short-term. I needed to feel better at that moment and didn’t give thought to the pounds it was adding on. I’d never allow myself to even think about it (that would just ruin my high). Now that I’m maintaining, when things get pretty crazy and stressful – like now, I know that my mother’s recent surgery is what has triggered this recent bout – I still turn to food, except that I am acutely aware of exactly what I’m eating. I still hold myself accountable, even though I’m turning to food. When I see exactly what it is that I’m feeding myself on, and how much, the guilt of it all usually causes me to stop. In all these years I’ve never gained more than one or two pounds, but it’s just not a healthy way to live and as you can see, no doctor/therapist will condone my management skills. We all come to the point where we know that we need to ‘get off this ride’ and try something else. I finally hit that point this past week.
Thank you for reading and feel free to email me anytime if you need an anxiety buddy! lol
Thank you for answering that. it was not just a passing curiosity. It will be interesting to see if your anxiety med will curb the need to self medicate. If you ever notice that it does, I would greatly appreciate either a post or some sort of passing mention.
Throughout my teens and early 20′s, I suffered from pathological shyness. I worked hard to overcome the shyness — thought I succeeded — but it was replaced by anxiety attacks for the next few years. Your honesty about your anxiety touches us all, Ellen. I finally conquered the anxiety attacks — although I did make reference to anxiety today when I blogged about a quick moment of extreme agitation (but different — not as severe as a real attack) in which I surprisingly turned to food. It shocked me because I haven’t done that in….years maybe. I wish I had been able to be brave enough to seek help when I was young — maybe it would have reduced the time and extent to which I suffered. Thank you for coming forward and discussing this Ellen — it’s bound to help someone else who is suffering from a similar problem.
Thank YOU for sharing your story. This is not an easy topic and one that carries so many layers with it. I’m amazed by how many readers have suffered with this. It’s always easy to assume you’re the only one, you know?
Never too late to seek help, obviously. I’m 41 and I’m realizing that this just isn’t the way I want to live anymore. It’s too hard focusing my energy on something that gives nothing in return.
the day i realized my thoughts created my anxiety, and that my thoughts were no different from made up stories or bad dreams, that was the day i was set free
thanks for being honest and real
Anxiety, my arch nemesis!
One day i’ll defeat him for good. He may have won quite a few battles but he hasn’t won the war!
This was another great post written with such honestly and courage!
Fantastic post Ellen! Wishing you nothing but peace and calm going forward!!!!
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