Welcome to Week Four of the Hate-Loss Challenge
I’ve been working on this Challenge for 27 days. It has not been easy for me; we all know that in order to make a change we have to do the work, whether it’s physical change we’re seeking or emotional. Change is not always easy, but things that are truly worthwhile never are.
I’ve had to dig up and uncover emotions and memories I long ago buried but never really dealt with. I was 30 years old when my husband left me for his department secretary. In an instant I lost my best friend of 13 years, my house, and my sense of security. I was devastated and literally didn’t care about living; the fear of going it alone was too overwhelming. I was over 200 pounds, had no friends, and hated my very existence. The thought of starting over terrified me and my self esteem was crushed beyond recognition. I pushed through. I left behind some unresolved emotions, but I pushed through.
2010 – another milestone year and I turned 40. Like a series of enormous waves I found myself being challenged once again. In the span of five short months my husband and I buried his mother, I almost lost my own mother in a tragic accident, lost my job, and cradled my dog as she was put to sleep. The circumstances were different than when I was younger, but the emotional stress and grief I was experiencing triggered something inside and that well of emotion came flooding back. I was becoming aware that life was handing me an opportunity. I could ignore it or embrace it. I chose to embrace it.
I’m sure you’ve heard the saying, If not now, when? I kept hearing that voice over and over again in my head and I started paying more attention to it.
Sometimes it takes a concrete moment or a gut-wrenching blow to change our perspective on life. Tragedies overwhelm and wreck havoc but still, we push through. However, I wasn’t just going to push through life this time. I was going to change it. I can honestly say that I’ve done a lot of healing, mainly because I knew it was time to deal with the past.
That was my reason for starting this Challenge, and this is what I’ve learned so far:
Repetition. Eventually, if you hear something enough times you will believe it. I’ve been speaking positive words to myself for almost 30 days now. Some days are easier than others, but the one thing I’ve noticed? I’ve developed the habit I’ve been longing for all these years: I can say words like strong, gracious, even attractive and not feel like a total fake. I’ve realized that saying positive things on the days when I don’t necessarily believe them are the days when I need to hear them most of all; repeating them to myself on bad days makes them even more believable on the good days.
Pride and Compliments. When thinking of a word to describe this Challenge I decided on the word Pride which is used on the Challenge Badge that some of you have on your sidebar. I didn’t realize how important this word would be, but for me it has been crucial in this exercise. Taking pride in what I’m doing makes compliments so much easier to accept. Accepting compliments makes it easier to feel better about who I am and what I’m capable of. I now understand the phrase, people will only take what’s yours if you let them. It’s taken me over a decade to realize the truth in that sentence and I intend to protect things like pride, dignity and self-worth with a fierceness from now on. I am and always will be a work in progress but at least now I see that I’m worth working on.
To each of you, have a good session today. Make this last week count. You are worth it.
Kristen over at Hot Mama in Hiding emailed me a link to her update post for today. Here is her link and her update: http://hotmamainhiding.blogspot.com/2011/01/hate-loss-challenge-update.html
Thanks for posting my link..I am in for a long day at work. Looking forward to reading everyones post tonight!!
what a great post this is. Well thought, well felt, well written. and it is one of those posts where, at a quick glance, someone might ask – what in the heck does this have to do with weight loss/maintenance?. But this post is the essence of maintenance because it is inner change. It is getting out of our own way. It is being our own best friend.
My own version of my group therapy post is here:
http://baby-steps-v.blogspot.com/2011/01/ellens-last-week.html
can’t believe how quickly this month and challenge went! be proud – it was a valuable addition to our weight loss/maintenance blog community experience. you did a very good job.
Ellen, i had already written mine when i read yours, but this is an excellent entry.
I agree with you about the repetiton, i will be using this tool.
I am so pleased you have learnt so much.
I identify with your earlier circumstances so much, i was 23 when my husband left me for my best friend.
Let’s always remember, we are strong, accomplished, proud women, and we CAN do this
xx
lesley
http://sheddingthiscocoon.blogspot.com/
Elllen, First I’m sending you hugs over the loss of your beloved pet. I held one of my fur babies as she was put down back in the spring. She had been a constant companion to me for two years and the grief still overwhelms me sometimes. It was gut-wrenching. It takes difficult things sometimes to show us who we are and what we can be. I am hoping that I have grown a but after each sad or wrenching chapter in my life.
You can see my post for today at http://sunshinesheart. blogspot com
Hugs.
You are worth working on! I love this post Ellen.
Brava, Ellen, brava!
Excellent post! I’ll be writing mine later :>
A wonderful courageous post Ellen.
Here is my update.
http://timmoyoungfatboythin.blogspot.com/2011/01/hate-loss-challenge-update_27.html
You have come so far! Through some of the worst things that life can throw at us. Well done, Ellen.
I have to confess that I haven’t even started on the Hate/Loss Challenge. Because of said things that life throws at us. But I’m getting there… It doesn’t really matter if I start a month later, does it? As long as I get there!
Your post made me tear up a little–I knew about some of the things you had been going through, but you painted a detailed picture in this honest post. Your strength in learning to grow DURING the pain is really inspiring (a trite word that gets used too much, but it’s true).
You are strong, and you conduct yourself with grace and perspective. I am glad you are starting to feel the pride you rightly deserve!
I’m sorry you had to deal with such tragedy in your life, but you are strong enough to not let it destroy you, to reflect on it, and to be able to share it. And that takes courage.
You are so right. And I Am so glad that I participated in this challenge. I was able to open my doors and find things out about me that I was keeping hidden. I am beginning to find pride in myself.
I’m sorry you had to deal with such tragedy in your life, but you are strong enough to not let it destroy you, to reflect on it, and to be able to share it. And that takes courage.
Here’s my Hate-loss summary. I can’t believe how far I have come towards having pride in myself in just 3 short weeks, by banishing negative thoughts and complimenting myself – and accepting compliments.
http://ellieunzipped.blogspot.com/2011/01/hate-loss-2011_26.html
Thank you for creating this challenge!
That was a very brave post and I commend you for that. It takes a lot to come out of a marriage like that. I ended a marriage in 1997 just a few months after my father passed away after he struggled for five years with a major stroke and cancer surgery. My ex-husband is now married to the woman he was having an affair with. That was a HUGE turning point in my life but all these years later it feels like it happened to a different person. I guess in that way I’ve been able to handle other major events in my life like my mother’s death in 2004. Our brains are so remarkable the way they process our memories in order to protect us. Anyway, thanks for sharing Ellen and for giving me the opportunity to share also. <3
Ellen, your paragraph on repetition left me with a huge smile on my face. It’s proof that we believe what we tell ourselves. We CAN change the self-talk that holds us prisoner!!! You are a brave, courageous, brilliant woman for exposing yourself like this in public and showing everyone that it CAN be done!!
What a honest brave post!
I do believe we can talk ourselves into anything given time!
Beautiful post. You really made me smile.
Thank you.
I found your blog too late to start this Challenge but I absolutely love the concept and this post. Our lives sound very similar as far as the milestones…on my 30th birthday i found out that my BF of several years was not only cheating on me, but had actually taken his other girlfriend to Half Moon Bay for a romantic weekend ON my birthday (I had to cancel our reservations to see Tony Bennett in Reno because he told me he had to go out of town). And 2 weeks after my 39th birthday my parents were in a horrific head-on collision, my dad died a week later (having never woken up) and thankfully, my mom has mostly recovered.
Now, having just turned 40, I find that i am taking control of my life and “going for it”. As for the repetition, I use that too…after enduring several heartaches (lost loves and miscarriages, lonely days, and even lonelier nights) my manta has been “You’ve been here before and you always made it through as a stronger person…you are okay”. It really has help.
Again, a great post that really resonated with me.