Welcome to Group Therapy Day, Week Three.
Since last week’s Therapy Day I’ve been thinking a lot about compliments. I’ve discussed before how difficult it is for me to accept a compliment and I know that for me it is directly related to low self-esteem. Refusing a compliment not only affects me, it also affects the person who’s taken the time to say something nice to me. I decided that before the challenge was over I simply had to make a solid attempt at understanding why I do this to myself. Some serious journaling and a little reflection led me to today’s update post.
Think back for a second and ask yourself if you had one good moment recently where you either willingly accepted a compliment or gave one to yourself. Maybe you had both kids wrapped around each leg while trying to fish the remote from the toilet bowl and you whispered, ‘I am a patient person and a good parent’. Or maybe you were at the gym and someone came up to you after a workout and complimented you on how unbelievable you were when pushing around those 25 pound weights (Veronica!).
Here’s a couple of questions:
If someone came up to you and said, ‘You have such a good kid there; I think you’re a really good parent.’ How would you respond?
a) Oh, believe me I’m not! I’m a rotten parent; I don’t even remember the last time that kid had a bath.
b) Well, thank you. That Johnny is a handful but he’s a good kid. One thing I’ve noticed that helps me to be a better parent is………
I bet you’d pick (b) as your answer.
Another question:
Let’s say you worked on an important project and put in a great deal of time to make it the best it could be. Someone comes up to you and says, ‘You really did a great job in there. That took a lot of effort and everything looked perfect!’ Would you respond by saying,
a) Thank you for saying that! I really needed to hear it; I never dreamed it would take me that long to get everything in order. It does look nice, though – doesn’t it? or,
b) It’s not good enough though; nothing I do ever is.
Of course (a) would be the appropriate answer and I bet you’d not only say it, I bet you’d believe it, too. I believe we are more inclined to receive compliments for things that we believe to be true.
The other day I was visiting with my neighbor. Her daughter stopped over as well and I happened to be wearing a short sleeved t-shirt. Out of the blue, the daughter (who is roughly my age) said, ‘You have such nicely toned arms! They look very athletic; how do you get them to look like that?’ I was floored by this obvious compliment. Me? Toned arms? Come on!
Here’s what I probably would have said a couple of months ago:
These bat wings? Here, LOOK at the flab that dangles from side to side when I wiggle my arms about. If I flapped hard enough I could fly away right now!
Instead I quickly replaced all of that negativity with truths in that statement: I started thinking about the 5 pound weights that I bought several weeks ago because the 2 pounders were too light; and how the 5 pounders are now becoming too light. I reminded myself of the day before, doing plank push-ups – ME doing plank push-ups! I said, ‘thank you. I’ve been using free weights; it seems to be working pretty well.’
I accepted that compliment. I accepted the fact that what she perceived to be true was entirely possible.
This all stems from taking pride in what I am doing. The more I take pride in myself, the better I’ll be at accepting compliments from others – and from myself.
Have a great session, everyone and don’t forget to check the notify me of follow-up comments via email box so that you can have other participants’ updates sent to your email if you are interested.
http://baby-steps-v.blogspot.com/2011/01/positive-talk-in-car.html
There is my positive family talk post from yesterday.
Really good post today Ellen!
I think compliments are a lot like looking in the mirror and photographs. I started being able to handle all three about the same time (I think).
Ellen, this is such a great exercise. Thank you for creating this opportunity for us all to do a little reflecting. I think that’s half the battle, sometimes. Just being aware and present and not automatically reject compliments. Great post.
I’ve posted for week three http://gravelandrust.blogspot.com/2011/01/performing-perfecting-pleasing-proving.html
I’m glad you were able to over come a difficult problem for you, Ellen. This week wasn’t so great for me but the way I feel about myself this week has been colored by depression. I posted about it this morning on my blog. I’m afraid I’m too far down to go into to detail about why it has been a rough week. I’m still trying to hold on to last week’s knowledge that I am loved and that I am capable of loving others, even when they disappoint me and hurt me. You can find my post at http://sunshinesheart.blogspot.com
Hi Ellen- great post, thank you for the inspiration!
here is my entry for today : http://sheddingthiscocoon.blogspot.com/2011/01/hate-loss-challenge-2011-weigh-in-week.html
Hope everyone is well!
x
lesley
great post! I love the cartoon! Glad to see someone taking compliments on their arm!! Here is my post:
http://hotmamainhiding.blogspot.com/
Challenging negative beliefs and turning them around is often useful… in any area. I used to be very very bad at accepting compliments too until I finally realized that even if I don’t believe it in that moment, it’s true for the person saying it. Furthermore, I’ve also learned with more experience to be a more objective judge and see that many of them are well-deserved.
Looking forward to reading some of the posts of others when I have the chance (and it’s in my schedule) tomorrow evening.
I hope you will accept this genuine compliment. You write a wonderfully inspiring blog and I count it a blessing to have found it. Thank you for the time you spend preparing helpful and well-written information.
I LOVE how you reframed the response to the compliments! I may have said this here before, but something that helped me stop being a bad compliment-taker was when I was told that by not accepting a compliment, I was basically telling the person who gave it to me that I don’t respect their opinion. Like what Michele said!
I love that cartoon! So funny. I’m actually extreme on this one, I have gotten to the point now (after 2 years of work) where I compliment myself with ease (if only in my head), and accept them, too. It is actually a not-too-rare occassion for hubby to come into the bedroom only to find me admiring my rear end, or my newly appearing waist, with satisfaction. He loves these moments, because he immediately recalls the times (far more frequent, but now far in the past) when he would walk into the same setting only to find me crying, grabbing handfulls of my belly and saying “I’m so fat! I’m so ugly!”
My how times have changed…:)
PS I posted my hate-loss update today at eatrunhavefun.blogspot.com
I’m not good with compliments, especially when it comes to my physical being. Oh, I gotta tell ya – I loved that ‘you rock, you rule’. That was good for a morning chuckle. Cheers, Rick
What a great way to look at this:) Although, I have to say when I get complimented on my boys, I tend to reply that they are great DESPITE me.
I walked into the kitchen at work to get my orange from the fridge and get some water from the cooler and two women sitting at a table noticed my weightloss and said I was looking good. I said thank you but immediately followed it with “I have so much more to lose and my wedding is in July so at least I have til then.” When I left the kitchen I was mad. Why didn’t I just take the compliment and shut up? It’s a work in progress, but I’m getting there.
You’re doing great and that cartoon is funny! Thanks for this challenge!
I completely agree with you. Refusing compliments not only hurts yourself but the people complimenting you. I never really thought about the other side of that, I’m sure my bf gets hurt when I tell him I don’t think I am beautiful like he does. I should focus more on accepting those sort of compliments because if someone told me a presentation I gave was good I would be floating on cloud nine. Congratulations on your toned arms, and being proud of them!
As for me: I had a bit of a rough start to the week but I’m ready to turn it around and make the best of what is left.
Here is my entry:
I just got a great compliment from an (almost) total stranger and afterwards I thought about what you’ve said about receiving compliments and the thoughts that go through our heads. People who’ve lost significant amounts of weight process compliments much differently, I think. I’m going to have to write about this in my blog because I’m still riding high on the last two compliments I’ve received.
Awesome job on the compliments… oh and guess what I did this morning – I posted my first VLOG!
“The more I take pride in myself, the better I’ll be at accepting compliments from others – and from myself.” I absolutely LOVE this one line!!!! Good for you for accepting the arms compliment.
I was going to write about compliments today (as I mentioned yesterday) but I decided to write what was on my heart. I can say that I did fabulous all week, but it’s not true. Anyways, here is my post.
http://thefatmom175.blogspot.com/2011/01/hate-loss-challenge-update-3.html
Hello Ellen and fellow H-L challengers!
Excellent post as usual Ellen!
http://timmoyoungfatboythin.blogspot.com/2011/01/hate-loss-challenge-update_20.html
You’re doing a really good thing here, Ellen. I’m so proud of you and your sexy arms!
I’m so happy for you and all the hate-loss bloggers that the negative self-talk is slowly changing! You should be proud (and of your toned arms too, apparently).
Great post Ellen. While most of us like compliments, for some reason they can also make us feel uncomfortable (even though they shouldn’t). I guess we don’t always like attention drawn to ourselves, even if it is positive. We need to learn to handle that, so this exercise is helpful!
I love this post! My other *big* resolution this year was to end my own negative self talk – I know I say things to myself that I would never DREAM of saying to anyone else! I feel like I have the most self-confidence I’ve ever had (excepting pre-K, of course) but I still feel like I need to make excuses when given a compliment (i.e. thank you for saying the project is good, but it really doesn’t count because I have a TON of time on my hands to do stuff like this – when I don’t!).
I hadn’t thought about it, but accepting compliments is an important part, for me, in ending negative self-talk!
I’m so swamped and have no time to read your blog or the others, but I will do it this weekend! Here’s my quick update: http://weightwatchingwithv.blogspot.com/2011/01/hate-loss-update.html
Well done! This is a big step! I love giving and getting compliments. Until I was really comfortable accepting them, I would always say, “Well thank you kindly”. I don’t know why that statement helped me accept the compliment, it just worked!!
Keep focused!!
I have yet to post an update, but I have been much more aware of the things I tell myself and others since joining the Hate/Loss Challenge. I’m in a very abusive situation right now, and will be for another two weeks (something that I can’t blog about), and the positive self-talk has made a huge difference in keeping me going through all of this.
Thanks!
Great post as always Ellen. did you notice how easy it is to spot when other people are being negative but it is hard to spot when you are the one being negative? Whenever someone gives me a compliments I am say something like “whatever you are just saying that” and I don’t see it as a problem. But whenever its vice versa i think why couldn’t you just say thanks?
Anyways this is my post this week. http://flabtofab2010.blogspot.com/2011/01/hate-loss-update-3.html
Love the cartoon. Sorry I wasn’t around last week, I definitely fell off the wagon and I don’t think you would have wanted to hear what I was saying about myself. But. like Jack, Immmmm baaacccckk! So I will post this week, promise!