Fat Girl Wearing Thin

Life beyond the loss.

   Dec 13

Monday Musings: What I don’t want for Christmas.

All year long I can rattle off things that I’d love to have for Christmas.  If you followed me around with paper and pen, you’d probably have a list a mile long.  But when my husband asks me around mid-December, ‘Honey, I have no idea what to get you for Christmas.  Is there anything special that you want?’  I draw a complete and utter blank.  Buying for him is no easy task, let me tell you.  He is a hard one to shop for but I keep my eyes and ears open all year long so I don’t have this kind of problem when I go shopping for him.

This year when he asked – those deer caught in the headlights look and all – I decided to flip though the dozen or so catalogs we get through the mail this time of year and actually browse for things.  I thought I’d share with you some of the items I WON’T be asking for this Christmas.


Mmm……know what makes me hungry for a snack?  Looking at cat butt magnets on my refrigerator door. 


Speaking of food…who wouldn’t want an inflatable turkey for Christmas?  I had to post this strictly for the description of the item, which says: it’s great for batting around on a sunny day at the beach!   Um…what’s that now? 


This is Sasho the Sumo Wrestler.  He’s been reduced for the holiday price of only $225.  A quick question: are you supposed to point the butt to the east or the west for good luck?

Don’t get excited (no pun intended) but this doesn’t even DO anything!  It may look like a  flash drive but oh, no……it’s the USB Humping Dog.  Yep.  You plug it in, and it ho-ho-humps your computer.   

Can you believe it?  I caught a glimpse of bigfoot as he was trying to steal all of my holiday cheer :(     What?  He’s just a holiday ornament?!  Darn, there goes my plan to be rich by Christmas. 


I kid you not – this is a real item that you can purchase right now for the small price of $9.95:  Squirrel Underpants.  Don’t have any naked squirrels in your yard to give you rabies as you’re trying to wrestle a pair onto him?  No worries!  These work just as well with hamsters and gerbils. 



One last prayer to the angels that be, please don’t let this be in my stocking:

Yes, it’s Trap-a-Crap, by the same people who brought you Poo-Pourri.  According to the makers, “this SECRET blend of natural essential oils effectively traps the odors from your toilet bowl before they can escape and infiltrate the environment!”


What was your worst Christmas gift ever? 

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  1. Michele says:

    Good grief!! Some of those items are definitely NOT on my list either.

    My recent post Balancing the Onion- Authenticity in Blogging – Self Discovery- Word by Word Series

    • Ellen says:

      I keep getting asked if these things are real or not….fact is stranger than fiction, let me tell you. The worst thing is, the creator of squirrel underpants probably has way more money than I do.

  2. What a coincidence! None of those gifts would be on my Christmas list either!

    I really can't think of a worst gift ever. I'm sure I received one, but I guess I've blocked the memory. :)
    My recent post Potluck Recipe- Red Velvet Cake Joys

  3. Girly Girl says:

    Ha! I love it. I love the sumo wrestler table. So funny! You always know how to brighten my day!
    My recent post Blizzard

  4. Shantell says:

    Are those real items? Do you blame the makers for making them or the buyers for buying them? I once got perfume that smelt so horrible. I think it was a stink bomb in a bottle actually it had to be a practical joke is smelt so bad.
    My recent post New Blog Award!

    • Ellen says:

      Yep, they are real. Unfortunately. You know, I bet perfume would be on a lot of lists as worst gift. Too personal an item to just give to someone without knowing what they like.

  5. Miesha Mosby says:

    Those items are out of control lol!

    Thank you for the comment you left on my blog! The more I write, the more it holds me accountable! I love the new theme!

  6. This is so funny…..and really creative! I can totally relate. All year long I know exactly what I want for xmas. Then I am asked and all that goes out the window!
    My recent post Diet Plans To Lose Weight

  7. Vickie says:

    the cat butt magnets might be highly effective in squelching refrigerator wandering. . .
    My recent post

  8. Tim says:

    Wow! I want them all! Hopefully when I hit my target weight, i'll fit into the squirrel underpants.

    My worse present was probably an out of shape knitted jumper which had the most hideous colours known to mankind.

  9. grownupstudent says:

    Ha! Too funny. I kind of love the Bigfoot ornament, but to each her own :). Speaking of hideous jumpers, my friends have an annual Ugly Holiday Sweater Christmas party. Love it. It should probably be adopted as part of everyone's holiday tradition…
    My recent post Avoidance Is One of My Favorite Pastimes

  10. Grace says:

    Okay, this is over the top funny. Add to all of these the "hair in a can" that you introduced us to a few weeks ago, and my Christmas list is complete. Please Santa I've been a very good girl!
    My recent post My Welcome Home

  11. kimberly says:

    If you haven't started watching Mike and Molly, you really need to. Last night's episode was the Christmas one, and Mike really reminded me of your other half!

  12. Kelly says:

    That sumo wrestler table really caught my eye! HEHE.

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