Last week’s comfort zone challenge had me going to various stores trying to talk to strangers. It did not go well.
I spent a lot of time reflecting on why I couldn’t complete this challenge with flying colors. Then, it hit me. You can read about that here.
My neighbor April and I were talking last Wednesday night when she asked me if I wanted to go to a jewelry party that her daughter Joanne was having (a direct marketing party, like selling Tupperware – except this was jewelry).
Normally under a situation like this I would run for the hills, or at the very least, come up with an excuse and say ‘thanks for thinking of me, but…..’ Parties like these always make me feel like I have to make a purchase and I have more than enough jewelry already. Plus, mathematically speaking, it was clear to me that I would not know 80% of the people there; certainly these two things were enough to increase my anxiety level 7 or 8 notches.
But this time I said, ‘thanks for thinking of me; I’d love to.’ Oh, boy. What did I just agree to?!
My plan was this: I decided that I was going to allow myself to worry about this as much as I wanted – but only two hours before the party. Every time that anxiety ball started forming in my stomach, I reminded myself that I could think about it – even obsess about it…but not until 4:30 PM on Friday. It was hard to keep redirecting my thoughts, but eventually my mind agreed to save the big ole’ ball of stress until Friday evening.
Friday: 4:30 PM
As I curled my hair and put on my makeup (hey, I needed to pull out the ‘big guns’ for this challenge….this was no supermarket, after all) I let my mind go wild with thoughts of standing all alone by the taco dip or worse yet, following my neighbor around all evening like a lost puppy. I paced the floor for a while and then decided to test the theory that if you pet a dog, your blood pressure will go down. I think I came close to rubbing all of Brulee’s fur off.
Friday night: 6:25 PM
My husband sees me watching for April at the front door. He gives me a pep talk. Says I’ll do fine.
“Don’t forget to smile,” he says. Check.
“And whatever you do,” he adds, “don’t stand like that.”
I look down and see my arms firmly crossed across my chest.
“That makes you look like you’re on the defensive.” Double Check.
Friday night: 7:00 – 9:45 PM
I walked in and everyone was waiting for me. They all clapped when I took off my coat and complimented me on my hair and my fabulous sense of style. Three people fought over who got to fetch me a drink and I spent the rest of the night throwing my head back in laughter as everyone around me lined up to talk to me, even for a brief moment.
Friday night: 7:00 – 9:45 PM (OK, OK…..what really happened)
I smiled; I complimented Joanne on her lovely home; I grabbed a bottled water from the kitchen, and I made sure that every person there knew my name. They didn’t have to remember it; nor would I be hurt if I wasn’t spoken to past the initial, ‘nice to meet you.’ That wasn’t the point. The point was, I was not invisible and I was reaffirming that thought every time I said, ‘Hi! I’m Ellen.’
I will admit, it wasn’t an easy crowd. Everyone there knew each other. Their kids all played together and everyone was from the neighborhood, so you can imagine the things they all had in common to talk about – things that didn’t include me. But that was really OK. It didn’t matter. Because I did succeed in talking to two of these women past our standard introduction. They didn’t leave after a minute of small talk. They stayed because they wanted to.
I smiled, felt confident. I gave compliments on hair and clothes; I asked how they knew Joanne. And I did one more thing that worked like magic: I asked them about themselves. People love talking about themselves. You just have to remember not to ask too many questions – you don’t want to appear like you’re interviewing for a job as a stalker.
When it was time to go, I made sure that I didn’t forget the receipt for the pair of earrings I’d just bought (you really didn’t think I’d get out of there without making a purchase, did you?), let everyone know how nice it was to meet each of them – and we left.
It wasn’t until I got home that I felt really and truly proud of myself. The party itself wasn’t bad compared to the anticipation of it. I think if I can get over that part, I may just have this whole thing figured out!
So, success this week’s challenge and I’m glad! I’m more than ready to move on and attempt something that I should have started doing 20 years ago. Something that could have changed the entire path of my career. You’ll find out what that is and whether or not I pass or fail……next Thursday. See you then.
Great job, Ellen! As someone who shares some of the same social anxieties, I know how difficult these kinds of situations can be. The story I tell myself when walking into situations like this is that it is highly unlikely these people will cut me up into little bitty pieces and eat me. Once I realize that the situations won't really harm me, I do better. I love how you had a plan for this, even down to what to say. Perfect way to minimize anxiety. YAY!
Good Morning, Roxie! I missed all of that kind support while you were away on vacation! So glad you're back!:D
I think this was particularly hard challenge because these were (mostly) all people with kids who knew each other.
It took me back to bowling league 25 years ago (I am 49 and my kids are 20, 16, 12).
Everyone (but us) had kids, and the topic always seemed to be Girl Scout Troupe DRAMA. I kept thinking – REALLY?
We had just bought our first house and were living in a neighborhood with families. We joined the bowling league in an effort to meet people.
I was (also) trying very hard to adjust to life in a smaller town. Those were the days when I took the train into Chicago to see a play and shop and visit friends on a very regular basis. Your post took me back to those days. Now, no one would guess I have ever been to Chicago, let alone Europe or the Bahamas or anywhere other than here.
I am really enjoying your challenges. This is one of those topics where someone might say – how is this maintenance post – but it REALLY IS maintenance. It just isn't food and exercise. It is working on the inside parts and our body and self perceptions. Very important.
Vickie, thank you for saying it the way you did: it isn't just food and exercise. I do these challenges now, because I never dealt with them when I was heavier. I figured I'd be a 'problem solved' once I reached goal. I feel so strongly about mental health being just as important as physical health. Hopefully with these goofy challenges, people will see that just because someone is in maintenance, it doesn't mean life is all roses – there's still work that needs to be done…to undo the damage that carrying all that weight sometimes brings.
I can completely see how going from a larger town to a small Indiana town can bring a sense of culture shock. It is not for everyone. I almost applied to the Chicago Art Institute after high school but then had second thoughts because I thought I'd drown in a city that size. Now, Chicago is my favorite city…..go figure.
Your challenges are so inspiring! Well done again
I so agree with Mary. On the other hand I would rather party with strangers than family. My family are usually the ones who create ll the drama, judgment and opinions.
….and we can't pick our famiy like we can our friends. This is the time of year for us in the States when we're bombarded with family get togethers, too. Thanks for reading today, Shanilie.
Congratulations.
It sounds like you had quite a breakthrough. People are only as scary as we make them out to be in our imaginations.
WWWOOOOOOOHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Way to go! I am so proud of you! I understand all those emotions you talked about. Ask our common friend on facebook how I do in those types of situations – especially when she first met me. You are doing an awesome job of cleaning your emotional house.
I'll have to ask her about that…..maybe it will make me feel better about myself! Thanks for your constant encouragement, MM. Always appreciated so much
Well done!!!!!!!!!! That's amazing!! I've been waiting for this post ever since you reminded us about your Thursday challenge on Monday (i think). You've done brilliantly and it is really inspiring. Your post is also really funny and at one point I giggled like a school girl when you wrote about everyone lining up to meet you and rushing to get you a drink…only for you to say what really happened.
You should give yourself a huge pat on the back!
yeah, I WISH that had happened, Tim! I'd have reminded myself of Paris Hilton if I had people fetching drinks for me!!
I love this challenge! It sounds like you did an amazing job! I have to admit I had to re-read your first evening about 3 times. I thought to myself "people really clapped at what she was wearing, WOW, I have to know what caused such a huge scene". Then it took me a minute to realize that it wasn't true (give me a break I was at the dentist all morning lol). I avoid parties like those because I can't stand feeling like I'm on the outside looking in.
Anyways, awesome awesome job! When is your next party?
Ah, if things had only happened that way! Sorry you had to re-read the paragraph over and over. I kind of got wild with my imagination there for a minute! Thanks for visiting and for reading – so glad you're here!
I'll be in IN soon seeing Craig
And my accent is only cool if you can understand it….Ask Craig, he's like…uh say that again? lol
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