When I was in my twenties and early thirties I carried around more than just weight. I was painfully shy and felt out of place in my own skin. That, combined with the fact that I also had no self esteem made me feel invisible to others. I would avoid social situations like the plague.
When I did have to attend an event and was introduced to someone I’d never met before, this is how I imagine it went:
MY THOUGHTS: she’s not going to find me interesting. I should just keep my mouth shut.
HER THOUGHTS: It’s like she’s pretending I’m not even here.
MY THOUGHTS: I’d just say something stupid.
HER THOUGHTS: What, she thinks she’s too good to talk to me?
MY THOUGHTS: Maybe if I just talk to people I know, I can hide the fact that I want to crawl under a rock.
HER THOUGHTS: Wow, she is really stuck up.
Of course, I didn’t realize that I was coming across as pretentious or stuck-up. I actually thought that I was so unimportant, so invisible, no one would notice if I didn’t speak. Those feelings obviously haunt me, even today.
Just last week, I was at Sephora. I don’t like to go in there because I can get a tad overwhelmed sometimes. I cannot explain why. Maybe I’m subconsciously intimidated by all of the makeup tools they carry in their front pockets. Maybe it’s because they all wear black and therefore look as skinny as a beanpole. Who knows.
Anyway, I had been in the week before and one of the sales consultants remembered me. ‘Me?’ I thought. She must be confusing me with someone else. ‘No, see…I was here looking for something but it was out of stock and I just wanted to come back and see if……’ Before I’d finished she said, ‘Yeah, wasn’t it shampoo you were looking for?’ I was stunned.
You know what the most unsettling part for me was? On my way home, I tried to reason with myself as to why she remembered me. She must be in this type of job because of her memory. Yes. She has an exceptional memory. And she has exceptional sales ability. She is special.
That is a possibility. Maybe the average sales person wouldn’t have remembered me. But why should I always assume that’s true? Why do I feel like I should I have a face that is so mundane and unremarkable that it isn’t worth remembering?
There was a study done a while ago that has always stuck with me – I don’t remember any detailed facts about it at the moment but it went something like this:
Two women walked into a social setting. One woman was stunning to look at but her personality lacked character, depth and interest. Another woman entered the same social setting; she was average-looking. However, her personality was warm, inviting, and it drew people to her. When asked which was the more attractive of the two women, the respondents replied that the average-looking woman was considerably more pleasing. Her personality, charm, the way she carried herself made her more physically appealing to those around her.
I have been thinking a lot about last week’s comfort zone challenge. I received a lot of great feedback from people who gave me advice on how to better approach people. Shantell mentioned smiling more and offering a compliment as a conversation starter. These are great pieces of advice. But in order to try these things, I have to believe I can do them. And that day, I didn’t.
Here is the truth, plain and simple: My comfort zone challenge fizzled last week because I did not exude any confidence in myself. It wasn’t because I didn’t do anything to my hair; and it had nothing to do with the fact that I had on no makeup, either. I smiled. I was polite and courteous. The fact of the matter is that I simply didn’t carry myself in a way that anyone responded to. I did not present myself as someone worth talking to.
Each one of us is a presence in this world. We breathe in air. We occupy space. We interact with others. We are not invisible. Once we start realizing that, we’ll carry ourselves differently and others will take notice.
I forced myself to take part in another comfort zone challenge this past Friday night. I had to try again. I had to put myself back in that same social situation I used to hate so much. And I was determined to own. that. room.
Come back on Thursday for the details of my do-over comfort zone challenge.
I wonder how much of it the red shirt had to do with all of it. Like did you feel your best in that red shirt? I realize you wore it to add to the challenge, but I wonder how much it made you feel more off your game in an already challenging situation.
I identified with today's post – huge. Except I over compensate (say too much) and then die a thousand deaths later.
really good post.
I think that's a good point. I get an idea in my head and run like fire with it, sometimes. It wasn't 'enough' for me just to do the task…..oh, no. I pictured the whole thing in my head and that shirt was going to fit in there whether it was a good idea or not. Part of me feels like I needed to be stripped of my security, though. I needed to see that I could do it raw. Very good point, though. I'll have to think about that.
Man, your words could have come right from my mind. I am the exact same way. But then, when I say something really dumb or embarrassing, I am absolutely positive that they will never forget it, therefore I never want to go back into a situation with that person. Reality is, though, that people rarely remember what other people say. They remember the tone of the exchange, but they rarely can remember the topic. Thanks for reminding me of that!
I know, MM. Our minds can be our worst enemy. I sometimes talk to myself in a way I would never, ever think of talking to anyone else. I do agree that the tone of the exchange is what people respond to.
I am pretty much the same when it comes to social situations. I'd rather avoid them than go to them and if I do go there, I would be pretty happy to sit in silence than chat to random people about random things.
The frustrating thing I find with myself is that I know that I am a nice person and I like to have a laugh but when it comes to social situations with people I do not know, it's easier to go back into my shell rather than just be myself.
To be honest, I'm surprised I am even writing all this to random strangers. I would never EVER say this to anyone in person.
Well, I'm glad you were able to say it here. We all can air our dirty laundry on this blog, Tim! I've got plenty more to share, so don't you worry a thing about it!
I agree. I'm with you and Tim. I have had people tell me that I look irritated or unimpressed when I feel totally great. I don't mind getting a conversation started but I usually say something stupid intentionally to break the ice and end up looking foolish
I'm sure you don't look foolish, Shanilie. We really are our own worst enemy. The thing I'm coming to realize is that if I just SPOKE the way I WRITE, I'd be a really hip person! LOL
As you can guess, I completely relate to this post!
I'm going to guess you were polite and friendly and that's why she remembered you because in retail the nice, friendly customers are often a rarity.
I am extremely polite when I do any kind of business with people in the service field. I used to work in sales while in high school for a while and I developed a great respect for anyone who does that kind of work. It is HARD dealing with customers, and I see that from a customer's point of view today.
First of I will like to say I enjoy reading your posts because they are so well written and expressive. Secondly I will like to say you really should work on your confidence and stop saying what you can’t do that will only cause anxiety.
Something I used to do that may help is go over conversations in my mind. I would try to come of with responses for the conversation just in case the situation came along again. If it does then you would have something to say. Like with the sales clerk. In response to her remembering you you could have smiled and say “Wow you remembered me? You have such a great memory, I am impressed.” then you could say ” You want to switch? I will gladly take such a good memory”
I used to work in customer service and chances are she remembered you because there was something about your presence that stood out to her.
When you meet someone at a party you can ask them what they think about the party or what they normally do for fun. Talk about the food. Depending on there answer you can come up with other questions or topics of interest. Just act like you are interested in what they have to say that normally keeps the conversation going as well. The more you talk to people the more you interact with others the easier it becomes.
thank you for your advice! I thought about what you said last week when I had my 'do-over' challenge on Friday night. I decided to do things differently and it had an effect!
cool
I am happy I was able to help.!
Rooting for you!
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