Garden Therapy for Me and the Fairies

By Ellen | May 16, 2012 - 5:32 PM | Personal

Remember last year when I decided to attend a fairy garden class? I was so proud of that little garden but unfortunately, all of my plants died over the winter. So I carefully packed up my miniatures and stored them in the basement. I came across them this morning while looking for my hummingbird feeder and found my inspiration for my third Get out of my Head task for the week:

Spend some time outside weeding and clearing a spot for my new fairy garden.

I had some ground cover blooming along creek side and thought it would be the perfect spot to place my garden. It was extremely therapeutic just being outside with nothing but the birds keeping me company. Here are the photos of my morning’s work:

Task completed. At least most of it. This fairy gardening stuff can get quite addictive. You could just keep adding and adding things to it. I don’t think the fairy house I made last year is going to last the rainy season without falling to pieces so I’m going to search for a more weather resistant one – maybe of resin instead of wood.

Have a great Wednesday, everyone.

~Ellen

Getting out of My Head tasks

By Ellen | May 15, 2012 - 4:11 PM | Personal

14 Comments

Those of you who know me in person are pretty much aware of what my habits are when I’m depressed. I tend to withdrawl from social engagements, I don’t answer my phone and I spend a lot of time stuck in my head. What better title for these little assignments than Getting out of my Head tasks. Today I completed two:

Pick up the phone the next time it rings.

It’s been over a week since Patty’s death; you’d think after a week I’d be okay with talking on the phone. Unfortunately, no. I’ve been avoiding it like the plague because I haven’t been able to talk without crying and I’m tired of puffy eyes and headaches. Today though, my ex sister-in-law called me to see how I was doing. I love this girl and we don’t get to chat as much as we used to. When she called my home phone I didn’t know if I could tolerate answering questions about Patty or how I was feeling; before I could make a decision the phone stopped ringing. Then she called my cell phone. I picked up. So glad that I did. Talking with her was exactly what I needed and I was able to discuss my feelings without crying for a change so that is progress.

Task Number Two:

Agree to have breakfast with a friend.

Mel, a dear friend of mine who also happened to know Patty, met me at one of my favorite restaurants for breakfast this morning:

This place serves some of the freshest food in town and they specialize in vegan/GF and organic dishes. I had the oatmeal with berries so perfect they looked fake. I was sorry not to have taken a photo of them. Here’s a photo of my favorite thing to look at there – better than berries:

Being out with Mel is always very therapeutic for me. We talked, cried and laughed over Patty, but we also talked about other things that are happening: my surgery, men, life. It was nice to discuss life in general and I actually felt normal for a while. Again, progress.

Even though these tasks are small, I feel that I made huge strides today. I can’t take all the credit, though. Knowing that I’ve promised myself to post my completed tasks here on the blog reminds me that I can’t just give up on myself and remain stagnant.

Thanks for reading. I’ll be back here tomorrow with hopefully more steps in the right direction.

XO,

~Ellen

Dealing with it

By Ellen | May 14, 2012 - 8:37 AM | Diary-Style

14 Comments

There are Five Stages of Grief.

Denial and isolation.
Anger.
Bargaining.
Depression.
Acceptance.

In the last week I have paid a visit to all of these stages. More than once. Stage Four and I currently have a closer relationship than I’d like. I’ve been hanging out there a lot; ceaselessly loitering, actually. At first I tried keeping to a routine, so I got out of bed at my regular time and stayed busy. By Wednesday though, I couldn’t seem to talk myself out of bed. With nowhere to go and my husband at work, it was just me and the dogs. They were great lounging buddies. They slept close by as I buried myself under the covers. I never realized how painfully slow time passes when your mind and body won’t cooperate with each other. Evidently, sleeping the day away is only a saying because I actually tried doing that and it doesn’t work. My mind kept looping back to reality and leave me wishing the days away instead.

For the last 72 hours or so I’ve added a couple of Stages to the above list: Fear and Uncertainty. As I cope with the loss of Patty in my life I now have to come to terms with the fact that I am unemployed, and will continue to be unemployable for the next couple of months. For a woman who totally digs her comfort zone, all of these changes bring on a fear that I can’t begin to describe.

Life will move along whether I’m on board or not. At least I have enough sense to realize that I can’t continue down this path. I’m having major surgery in less than a month and it’s extremely important that I’m physically and emotionally prepared for it. I firmly believe that attitude can aid or hinder recovery and that our bodies respond to the way we are feeling, so, I have put a plan in motion. Not a big one, but a plan nonetheless. One accomplishment before I go to bed every day this week. It doesn’t matter how big or small; I just need to be deliberate in choosing a task that will distract my mind and take away some of these feelings of uselessness. Getting dressed doesn’t count (she repeats to herself).

Because I need some accountability, this little series of assigned jobs is pretty much what you can expect to read about over the next few days.

Today’s task was sitting down at the computer and writing this post. A huge accomplishment, believe me. Trying to find something of value to write about has not been a strength of mine lately.

A belated Happy Mother’s Day to all you Moms out there. See you back here tomorrow – task number one (whatever that may be), completed.

XO,

~Ellen

Everything and Nothing

By Ellen | May 10, 2012 - 8:41 AM | Diary-Style

17 Comments

Lately it feels like this blog has been suffering from an identity crisis. The title, Fat Girl Wearing Thin leads the reader to believe that he/she will stumble upon a series of posts that are related to weight loss or maintenance, but the last several posts have read more like a train wreck. Writings of health decisions, major surgeries, deaths, mourning. Today I’m just writing for me – because I need to. It’s about everything, yet nothing. Feel free to read or skip today, depending on how you’re feeling.

For the past 12 years I knew that my job was temporary, but I became comfortable as the years went on. If anyone was going to live to celebrate her 100th birthday, it was this woman. Every medical appointment she attended left her doctors impressed at how healthy she was for her age. In fact, just last week she had a complete physical. Her blood work came back better than people half her age.

Losing her to an infection – similar to the one that killed Jim Henson (creator of the Muppets) was completely unexpected; now that she is gone I’m realizing just how intertwined our lives were. I feel as though I’ve lost a spouse; a mother; my closest friend and in many ways, a child. For twelve years we were in constant contact with one another. She was my responsibility and I felt needed. And loved. Now, I feel useless.

The one piece of comfort I can take in all of this is that I was able to keep my promise to her. She wanted nothing more than to live in her home until she died. I told her that I would do everything in my power to make that happen, and that I would take care of her until the very end. I’m very grateful that she died not having to go to ‘Senior Camp’ (her common term for a nursing home), nor did she suffer. As the ache becomes less intense, I’ll remember my promise to her as one of my greatest accomplishments.

Surgery. I am scheduled for the morning of June 5th. Funny how it isn’t that important to me, anymore. All that worrying and now I barely think about it. I’m sure that will change as it gets closer. I recently realized that the majority of my loose skin resides in my lower tummy area and that is also where the scar will be. If not done properly, my stomach could end up looking worse than it already does. I put in a call to the doctor to see whether or not I should have a consultation with a plastic surgeon. No bikinis in my closet these days so no worries there, but I feel that I should avoid further trauma to my skin if at all possible.

The comforting words you’ve all sent to my inbox and/or left as a comment once again reminds me of how lucky I am to live in this online neighborhood. I can’t thank you enough for your love and kindness, and hope you’ll stick with me as I make my way through these changes in my life. As I find my way beyond today, I think of this pin I found on Pinterest:

Ain’t it the truth.

XO,

Ellen

Change and Loss

By Ellen | May 7, 2012 - 4:45 PM | Personal

28 Comments

I’d like to tell you a little bit about my employer and closest friend, Patty. Most of the time when I’d mention her it would be regarding which massive book I’d be reading aloud to her. For those of you who read here regularly, you know that I have been her caregiver for a very long time. In 2011 she turned ninety-two years old; I began working for her the year she turned 80.

By the time I started working for Patty she’d suffered from Macular Degeneration for years and was getting to the point where she really couldn’t read her mail any longer, nor could she drive. She needed someone to take her to the grocery store, to doctor’s appointments and keep her medications straight. Among those hats, I wore many others. I was chauffer, therapist, nurse, secretary, letter writer, seamstress, personal shopper, reader of books, narrator of movies, and chef.

If you knew her, you’d find her to be one of the brightest women you’d ever meet. She was not known to brag, so it would surprise you to hear her suddenly speak of the many places she was fortunate enough to travel. Take Egypt, where she was determined to ride a camel at the age 83, or her favorite trip to Antarctica with her son at the age of 86. She has slow danced with Presidents and sat next to such famous writers as Truman Capote.

All of this sounds to good to be true, I know. How on earth was she able to have so many encounters and lead such an exciting life? I wondered that very thing myself, for several years. But as I got to know her, I learned that her first husband came from a family of successful entrepreneurs, while her second husband owned a well-known newspaper business. Patty was indeed blessed with opportunities and there wasn’t anything that she couldn’t do. She not only believed she was capable of achieving whatever she wanted, but she achieved many of those things in spite of being legally blind.

One of my favorite stories involving Patty has to do with a special luncheon that was being held here in our town. Justice Sandra Day O’Connor was giving a speech. Patty said that she knew Justice O’Connor and hoped that she’d have a chance to say hello but if she didn’t that was okay. She didn’t want to make a big deal about it. I escorted her to the luncheon where eight other high society dames sat around our table who’d heard this ‘rumor’ that Patty knew Justice O’Connor. Frankly, I don’t think anyone believed her.

After the luncheon was over, the ladies whisked Patty out of her chair – two elderly women in smart looking hats and pink and green flowing chiffon gowns grabbing onto each arm, steering her through the crowd towards the speaker of honor. I heard one of them whisper to the other, ‘This should be fun!’ They impatiently stood in line and when it was Patty’s turn to approach Justice O’Connor, Sandra looked at her and said, ‘Patty!! How are you?? I haven’t seen you in years –how are the the children??’ They hugged and chatted for several moments. I was beaming from ear to ear at that sight, while the other ladies stood back, half stunned, half put-out. Apparently they didn’t quite get the show they were expecting!

Yesterday afternoon Patty died with me at her bedside after a very brief and aggressive illness. I’m so grateful that I was able to tell her how much I loved her, how much she meant to me, and how her kindness has changed my life. I am a better person for having known her and I miss her terribly.

Change is hard.

Loss is harder, I think.

Thank you all for your comments to my last post regarding my upcoming surgery. I intended on writing each of you back, but have been at the hospital all weekend. I appreciate your thoughts as I work through these changes in my life. I read each and every comment and email you send, and they mean a great deal to me.

Be good to one another. Until next time,

~XO,

Ellen

A Mini-Break

By Ellen | May 3, 2012 - 2:09 PM | hysterectomy

15 Comments

Is it possible to feel relief, anxiety, fear, optimism and grief all at the same time? Apparently so.

The truth of the matter is, I can’t seem to find anything to think about, much less write about that isn’t related to my upcoming hysterectomy.

Earlier this week I was given a web address for a site that offered video counseling divided into short segments according to topic – what to expect after surgery, how you will feel, what kind of potential problems to look for, etc. Every time I went to watch another segment I’d start crying. That’s pretty much how it’s been this week. I don’t particularly want to write about it because I’m not even quite sure what it is that I’m feeling; it’s just one big melting pot of emotion.

I’m going to take the rest of this week off from blogging and collect my thoughts. Work on facing whatever issues I seem to be keeping at arm’s length and come back next week with a fresh perspective. Or, at least a less emotionally-divided one.

Have a good weekend, everyone. I hope there is beautiful weather wherever you are. See you sometime next week.

XO,

~Ellen

Blog Block

By Ellen | May 1, 2012 - 8:53 AM | recipes, The Dogs

14 Comments

I’ve got nothin’. It seems as though not one interesting post can be squeezed through this space between my ears today.

I have notes tacked to my journal in case I ever found myself in this mental void but, who knew I’d actually draw a complete blank for over three days?

Things to blog about when you have nothing to blog about:

Idea Number One: Review old posts and elaborate on an idea further.

Not to sound whiny, but it takes a long time to review old posts.

Idea Number Two: Pick a quiet place to sit and think. Choose a place with few distractions.

I went into my tiny office and sat. It was quiet. Too quiet for this household. Where were the dogs, anyway? As it turned out they had their own things going on. Important things! Take Brulee for example:

Idea Number Three: Take a break and run a hot bath. Sink way down in the bubbles while the mind fills with ideas.

Nope. Only two ideas came to me while in there: shave my legs; and maybe not take any more photos of my feet.

Idea Number Four: Carry your camera and take photos of everything you did during the day, showing what you’ve been up to.

I decided to spare you pics of me standing in line at my local pharmacy and waiting for lunchmeat at the deli counter. I did take a couple of photos from my iPhone while at the park. Want to see those?

How about that one on the left? I surprised even myself with how well that one turned out!

I did make an incredible meal in the kitchen this week. Lately I’ve been trying out new crock pot recipes so that my husband will be able to throw meals together in a breeze while I’m on surgery vacation (surgication? How about vacurgery? Eww…that last one was really awful! I need a good catch phrase so I can stop using the words ‘post surgery’. Any ideas?)

Anyway, is there anything easier than creating a meal in a crock pot? I think not!

My recipe came from Waisting Time (thank you, Karen). It is her famous Mexican Chicken Crock Pot Casserole. I’ve slightly modified her recipe according to taste but if you click here you’ll sail off to her site where you’ll find the original recipe along with others just begging to be tried. Here is what mine looked like – I know you need no reminders that this is not a foodie blog:

Mexican Chicken Crock Pot Casserole (modified) courtesy of Waisting Time:

5 chicken breasts
2 (15 1/2 ounce) cans black beans, drained
1/2 package frozen corn
6 ounces sliced black olives, drained
1 onion, chopped
1/2 red bell pepper, chopped
1 (15 ounce) jar salsa, mild
1 (8 ounce) package of fat-free cream cheese
1-2 tablespoon taco seasoning

1. Add all ingredients to crock pot EXCEPT cream cheese.
2. Cook on high for 4-5 hours.
3. Add the cream cheese to top of cooking chicken mixture for last 30 minute of cooking. Stir in before serving.

My husband has instructed me to assure you that even though this particular picture isn’t terribly appealing, he ate from this meal for three days – a new record for him. Translation: seriously yummy. We used this mixture as filling for tortillas. So easy to make.

Well, that’s about all I can muster up for today. Hey, at least you got a great recipe out of this post; that’s something, right?

Tell me, what do you do to get your creative juices flowing when you’ve got Blog Block?

It’s Never Too Late

By Ellen | April 27, 2012 - 9:56 AM | hysterectomy

28 Comments

Very recently I have been witness to the debilitating effects that avoidance and fear can have on a person. Tonya, a good friend of mine never graduated high school. Over the years I’ve watched her struggle with the idea of going back to school. I recently spoke to her about why she’s never taken that step. She said, “When it’s time to sign up for classes, I’ll drive as far as the school only to turn around and go back home. I’m afraid of failing, and that people will laugh at me if I get a wrong answer.” Further discussion revealed that Tonya had test anxiety as a teenager and felt extremely uncomfortable when called on in class. When she didn’t know an answer, she heard laughter in the background and it made her feel inferior; self-conscious. Dumb.

But recently Tonya had her moment of clarity. The same one that I and maybe you had when you awoke out of the blue and said, ‘Today is the last day I’m going to be this weight.’ Tonya drew in a deep breath and finally marched into her first night class. Not only did she take her placement test, but she did well. Very well.

We talked afterward and she told me, “I realized as I was sitting there that every one of my fears were baseless. Completely inaccurate. Going back to school as an adult is NOTHING like being in high school. People are there because they want to be; not because they have to be. No one laughed at anyone else because we were all there for the same reason – on the same level.” I reminded her that the test anxiety seemed to be a thing of the past as well. “Yeah,” she said. “Taking that test didn’t even bother me. For the last fifteen years I’ve had this ridiculous idea of why I couldn’t go back to school. I had blown up such an unrealistic image in my head and every year it kept growing and growing. It has always been on my mind – always; and that was very draining. So, I’d push it away. And then that would take a lot of effort. All of that wasted energy – for nothing.”

Tonya is openly aggravated at herself for what she calls, wasting almost half of her life. I tell her that she is still young (in her early 30’s) and has her whole life ahead of her. I tell her that she shouldn’t be so hard on herself. That many people never get their moment of clarity; that what she did took great courage. That you can always tell when it’s too late to do something: when you’re about to take your last breath.

I have been taking my own advice. For years and years I’ve suffered with endometriosis. I’ve been told by several doctors that I needed a hysterectomy. But I made it my mission to try every single non-invasive treatment out there. When one thing didn’t work, I’d wait until something new came along. In the meantime I’d endure the pain and need stronger pain meds to control it. Between you and me though, one of the reasons why I didn’t want to have the surgery was because I was afraid of the unknown. I convinced myself that it was better to deal with what I understood and expected than dealing with something that was foreign to me – even if it might make me better. Like my friend Tonya, my fear grew into something massive and constantly loomed in the recesses of my mind. Finally, I had my moment of clarity. In March, after my tenth day of constant pain I suddenly grew weary; more tired than I’d ever been in my life. I was literally fed up of being in pain and in fear. I didn’t want to be this person anymore. The next week I called my doctor for an appointment and said the words I never thought would pass my lips: I’m ready for surgery.

I am surprised that I have embraced this decision as well as I have, but honestly – I’m too excited at the possibility of living a normal, pain-free life to think about the past. I’ve had a lot of time to be alone with my decision and I’m gradually warming up to the idea; even counting down the days. I am determined to think only good thoughts from here on out. This is the first phase of my new life. I will be better when this is behind me. This pain will be behind me. I will be free.

Having this time has given me a chance to be better prepared for my recovery period, too. Yesterday, in a split-second decision I went and had my hair cut so it would be easier to take care of while I’m schlepping around the house:

My first thought when I got home: what have I done?! Is it too short? But after a few hours I started to relax. More so after my guy said that he liked it. His exact response was, ‘It’s funky; really artsy. It suits you.’ I’m not 100% sure what ‘artsy’ means, but I’m taking it as a compliment.

Yep. You’re looking at the new me – Phase One.

When I was little…

By Ellen | April 25, 2012 - 7:32 AM | Memory Lane

18 Comments

I so enjoyed Karen’s version that I had to follow with my own trip down memory lane. If you feel like playing along, I’d love to read some of your answers to any or all of the questions below.

Haircut courtesy of the local beauty college.

I wanted to grow up to: run my own rescue sanctuary for mistreated Circus animals.

I refused to eat: school cafeteria mashed potatoes. You could lift the whole thing off your plate with one stab of a fork. We weren’t allowed to go out for recess until we cleaned our plate, so I‘d fling my ball of potatoes under the cafeteria table.

My favorite thing to do outside was: get an empty egg carton from my Mom, sit in the alley behind our house and search for pet rocks. I’d line the compartments with toilet paper and place a rock in each one until all 12 sections were filled. When it was nap time, I’d close the lid. To this day whenever my husband and I go on vacation, I have to bring home a rock to place in my garden.

I thought that Santa was: Scary! I liked the idea of Santa, but was too shy and afraid to visit him at Christmastime. I much preferred the thought of him tiptoeing in and out of the house unnoticed. There is only one photo of me sitting on his lap:

I must have wanted something pretty badly that year to talk to the Man himself!

I was the: Shyest kid there ever was. Whenever we were at an adults house and I saw a candy dish, I’d walk over to my Mom and whisper in her ear to ask if I could have a piece of candy. I think I must have unintentionally created the phrase, ‘Children should be seen and not heard.’

I got into trouble when: I rarely got into trouble. I was always a rule follower, so my parents never had too much trouble out of me. However, if I ever said a swear word in front of my mother, I’d get into trouble. Even today she still scolds me if I let one slip!

My favorite food was: (typing quickly) Donuts. What are you, new? lol My father would occasionally take me to the local donut shop and we’d sit at the counter eating donuts. I’d have milk and he’d have coffee. We’d sit in silence because we really didn’t know each other very well (Dad worked a lot of hours) but it was just us and that was special to me.

My favorite toy was: my growing Snoopy collection. My Dad gave me my first stuffed Snoopy when I was 5, and from then on I started collecting anything and everything Snoopy.

My favorite memory as a child: When my mother wrote Charles Schulz (creator of Peanuts) and told him what a big fan I was. He wrote back with a letter and a signed Peanuts book. My Mom came outside where I was sitting and told me that I had a package from someone special. When I opened it, I started to cry. That was the best moment ever.

I hated it when my Mom: combed knots from my long hair. To this day I cringe when my hairdresser washes or combs out my hair.

My very first record was: a single by the Police, called ‘Spirits in the Material World’. I played that song over and over again – then again, that was probably because it was the only record I had.

On family vacations we used to go to: My grandparents house in Kentucky. I would help feed the baby goats and watch my grandpa gather honey from his bee hives. There were always chickens roaming around the yard. I named them and pretended they were my pets. I noticed one went missing right before supper. On the table was fried chicken. I vowed at that very moment I’d be a vegetarian for the rest of my life. I refrained from eating any meat whatsoever for about 15 hours. The smell of homemade sausage gravy and biscuits woke me the next morning.

My Sign-of-the-Times favorite outfit was: A blue and white striped t-shirt with yellow floral pants. Creating new trends, 70’s style:

Your turn!

Under the Garden

By Ellen | April 23, 2012 - 7:57 AM | Blogging

18 Comments

Good Monday, everyone. Hope your weekend was a nice one. Mine was spent working in the yard. The idea is to get most of it into maintenance-mode so that I won’t be out there post-surgery, watching an army of weeds plan their hostile takeover of my few perennials.

Readers often ask about my yard. In fact, it’s one of the questions I get most. With summer right around the corner I thought I’d take you on a little tour and hopefully answer some questions along the way.

When we first moved into our house the backyard was completely overgrown. The property extended beyond the dried up creek bed but it was completely hidden by giant bushes. Here’s a snapshot taken from the deck right after we acquired the keys to the house. It had a wild kind of charm to it, but getting to the shed (yes, there is a shed behind them there bushes) was kind of like trekking your way through the Amazon.

A ton of hard work, a bulldozer, several loads of dirt and many years later, this is what the backyard looks like today:

You can’t see from this angle but the creek started flowing with water again about two years after we moved in. It hasn’t been dry since. We don’t have massive amounts of property – our house sits on just a bit more than two-thirds of an acre. You’ve heard the old saying, ‘one man’s trash is another man’s treasure?’ Well, we don’t like that saying very much around here. Our former owner used to bury his trash in the backyard. OH! the things we’ve uncovered:

Clothing.

Broken wine bottles.

Part of a tombstone.

Silverware.

Dinnerware.

An old, rusty coffeepot.

Christmas lights.

Lighters.

Door knobs.

Hinges and coils.

….oh, I could go on – believe me. But you get the point. When we look out over our backyard now, the first thing we say is, ‘We’re so very lucky.’ But the second thing we say is, ‘Do you remember what a nightmare that was?!’

Of course we don’t regret the work we’ve put into our yard for a single second. But we do have second thoughts whenever we want to tackle any project that involves digging. And in case you’re wondering – no, we’ve never found a bag of gold or a coffee can stuffed with cash. Just license plates. And broken coffee mugs. And a winter scarf. Oh, yeah; I was going to get off that topic. Sorry.

Our yard will always be a work in progress, for as long as we decide to live here. Maintaining it truly is a labor of love. But as you already know, hard work with any task always pays off. The obstacles you encountered along the way make the finished product that much more satisfying, the frustration a bit less important.